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hates school

14 replies

redpants · 17/01/2009 18:53

my dd who is 4 has started to cry and totally hate school ,It starts first thing in morning i have to pull her out of bed then fight her to get dressed for school she cries screams and this does not stop ,the teacher then has to pull her off me ,they say she settles about 30 to60 mins Ihave asked ,all she says is that she misses mummy any advice would be smashing thank you

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onwardandupward · 17/01/2009 20:26

[puts head above parapet]

Your dd does not have to be in full time education of any kind until the term after she becomes 5. That's the law. Schools like to get children in earlier because it maximises their funding.

In your shoes, I would weigh up the perceived benefits of keeping her in school at this point against the possible drawbacks of doing so (severely traumatised child from what you say). I would also balance up whether you could be with her in school until she is completely settled and happy to be left.

She may just not be ready to be away from you 5 days a week, and that's fine. 4 is so very very very young for some children to be apart from their parents every day in a school context. Was she in nursery before? Take her back there to the familiar environment if there's no chance of childminder/parent/other relative looking after her during the day?

You're likely to have people say "mine went off to school at 4 and they were FINE and they settled in the end" but if your instinct is saying that this situation is not good for your child, then your instinct is what needs to be followed, not other people's reassurances that other children were ok in a similar situation.

If you would be concerned about her falling behind academically or socially if you took her out until Easter or September, say, come and talk to us counter cultural loons in the Home Ed topic...

[puts head quickly below the parapet again]

lenny101 · 17/01/2009 20:40

[puts head slightly higher above parapet than OandU... your child doesn't have to be in school..... that's the law, currently. I'm not suggesting you home education or anything, just wanted to be clear regarding the law.
I hope you find a solution that's good for her, and you.

larahusky · 18/01/2009 00:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onwardandupward · 18/01/2009 14:07

Options:

  1. Keep forcing it and hope it will either get better or at least that child will stop expressing their unhappiness about the situation.
  1. Change schools to see if that makes it any better (NB you'll know whether it is that particular school or the institution in general which is the problem, and if the latter, there's no point switching)
  1. Coldly assess your working arrangements and support network of child's father/your parents and ILs (if relevant)/other relatives/close friends/local childminders.

With the logistics of child care in mind for your particular situation, you can then begin to explore

...for an under 5, asking them "do you want to go to school today?" and when the answer is "No", you just say "ok, then" and do something else. (people may say that children have to learn to honour their commitments. I would reply that it's a bit much to expect a 4 year odl to honour a commitment made on their behalf and against their wishes by a bunch of adults). If you are finding that the answer is "No" every single day, then school is perhaps not the best option at this time.

...for an over-5, perhaps find out about the possibility of flexi-schooling. Advantages are that the child stays on the school roll and gets some of the school input. Drawbacks are that the school usually (and of course quite justifiably) decides what the hours should be so it's not as "flexi" as it sounds at first. Also, the child has to follow the national curriculum in full even though they are only in school part time, so there is a legal onus on the parents. Also, the head teacher has the final say over whether to accept a flexi-school arrangement, and some are very resistant to the idea

...or, like I said yesterday, consider educating your child yourself until he/she is ready to go happily to school. Some people do this by following the national curriculum, some do something which looks a lot like school at home, some people do what's called "autonomous home education", which follows the child's interests. If you want advice about the HE options, come and ask in the HE thread - I don't want to hijack a perfectly good Primary Education thread with HE evangelism

And, just a thought. I read here recently someone saying that "school is really just a free form of child care and anything extra they get out of it is a bonus" (paraphrase). If you think of school that way, then it's just the same thing as thinking about a child going to nursery and crying about it every single day - you'd probably be looking for a better child care arrangement.

Flocci · 18/01/2009 14:27

Just wanted to post and say that my dd started reception last week and we have exactly the same problem. i was beginning to think i was the only person in the world going through this. It amazes me to see all the other new starters happily skipping off each morning without even a backward glance, whilst mine is literally kicking and screaming and having to be pulled off me.

Things got slightly better towards the end of last week. She was still very upset when I left her but apparently soon calmed down and was quite perky when I picked her up.

I haven't been given any advice whatsoever from anyone at all. noone seems to have any ideas other than just keep going and she will understand soon enough that it is an OK place to be. Whenever we talk about school we include in the conversation that mummy will be waiting at the gates at 3.15 to pick you up as I think there is some anxiety about being forgotten there.

Other than that, no idea at all.

Am thinking of asking the teacher if there is an older settled child in the class ( it is mixed aged group) who may be able to take her under her wing perhaps or just generally if the teacher can help to foster some friendships so dd has some friendly faces to look out for in the playground.

It's heartbreaking isn't it?

redpants · 19/01/2009 07:34

thank you for your post ,sometimes just knowing you are not alone helps.I hate this but i would not take her out of school she needs to learn to make friends and also learn.we had tears before bed so i am dreading getting her up .Thank you again for taking time to reply

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juuule · 19/01/2009 08:20

Great advice from OandU.

throckenholt · 19/01/2009 08:39

have you visited other schools in the area ? Maybe there is another one that would suit her better ?

I suggest this because a friend was telling me this is what happened with her DD - she stuck the first school for 9 months of hell and watched her DD crumple into a nervous wreck - then they moved schools and things improved dramatically.

Worth considering at least. And part of that is trying to work out what is bothering her so much. In my friends case it was partly moving from a big busy "urban" school to a small rural one that helped.

nickschick · 19/01/2009 08:43

I do home ed ,but as a nursery nurse with nursery and reception class experience - school initially starts as quite an exciting time theres new toys,new 'things'-book bags and the like and then just after the Christmas hols it clicks on a little ones mind -'well ive done painting,drawing,reading,sand and water' etc and school can be quite a strict routine that just doesnt suit the natural inquisitive mind of a small child theyve had a time of being at home in the excitement of christmas and school becomes a bit of an nti climax really.

aside from the very good suggestions already made you can have a kind of treasure hunt on the way to school of familiar things you see,tlk about an aspect of the school day and ask her/him to remember something to tell you at home time - bizarre example being 'mrs jones wears lovely shiny shoes i wonder if she will wear them today do remember and tell me 'etc so you re 'sharing' the school day .

You can talk about your plans for the day and your boring routine and how at hometime it will be nice to get home and look at your comic together.

At 4 i think they are so small and dont need these pressures.

onwardandupward · 19/01/2009 11:22

"she needs to learn to make friends"

just to say... you don't have to go to school for that, and if you are hating school then you are unikely to be building friendships there

TooFoggy · 19/01/2009 17:17

You could try taking her home at lunch time, maybe she would settle better if she does a half day. Doing this would also give you more time to think about your options. When will she be five?

cory · 19/01/2009 17:27

What I would want to find out is whether she hates school- as in, is unhappy during the bulk of the day, not making friends etc. Or does she hate going in- separation anxiety.

If she was unhappy most of the time, then I would think about withdrawing her. If it was just a separation thing, I would weigh that against any fun she had during the rest of the day.

Dd has always been very sociable and enjoyed herself at school, but went on hating the parting situation for a long time (but was fine when taken to school by the childminder).

redpants · 21/01/2009 14:19

Thank You i think it is a separation thing,she did part time for 4 months then went full time .She seems to getting a little better she got stickers from school which really did help . she trying so hard not to cry (her face says it all) ,i hope she can gain confidence and start to enjoy doing things with out me all the time.

OP posts:
mimsum · 21/01/2009 15:11

dd's in y1 and loves school at all times apart from the moment when she crosses the threshold - she's been like this ever since she started and we have been racking our brains as to how to deal with it

As soon as she settles she's not just fine, but bouncing, loves her teacher, has loads of friends, completely engages in every activity - she's also fine if dh or anyone else takes her to school. She's now old enough to articulate what's wrong and she's very clear that it's separation from me that she doesn't like

I've been in a dilemma about this, but have come to the conclusion that as it literally is just act of parting from me that she dislikes and otherwise is having lots of fun that I'm going to keep her there. Taking something she's done at home e.g. picture to show her teacher seems to help as well

good luck - I know how draining it can be

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