Is this the beginnings of bullying?

[KebbyP]

DS is 4 1/2 and started school last week. He went straight from doing nothing to full - time with only a few visits. He started off all super confident and happy but at the very end of the week started crying a fair bit at school.

This week, he's cried a lot at home in the mornings. This morning, it must have been well over an hour of distraught sobbing, which is really hard to listen to.

He tells me he hates the playground. First of all, he told me that he doesn't have any friends and he sits alone and doesn't play. The teacher caught me about it at the end of school a few days ago and mentioned she may try pairing him up.

The last two days, he's come home talking about an older boy in the playground who steals his hat and runs off with it. He throws it in the air and let's it drop into the puddles and when DS tries to get it, runs to get there first.

I've been really upset about it but haven't shown it to DS. He has told me a vague name of who he thought it was. It was someone with an unusual name so he couldn't remember exactly. I really think I should have a chat to his teacher about it.

Being as he's my first to go to school and being as I'm really paranoid because I've been bullied in the past, I am wondering if I am being oversensitive to what could be very normal stuff in the playground. I'm also wondering about putting someone into the spotlight for doing this. I don't want to create waves before he's been there any time at all and get a reputation!

What should I do?

Oh it's bloody horrible when they start school and tell you something like this. I've had 2 boys go through infant school and your instinct is to march up to the playground, grab the culprit by the throat and tell them to lay off! Obviously, this is not gonna happen (and may land you in a lot of agro .

I would leave it and see what happens. I don't think it's bullying, just normal hierarchy, peer behavior. Especially with boys, the playground in very territorial and these kinds of things go on all the time (I used to help out at lunchtimes at my kids school). It's just a bit of a shock when you're so little and it's happening for the first time. I'm sure your dc will find their place in the playground and in school after a while.

If it's still happening in a few weeks with same child, mention it to class teacher and get them to observe playtimes. You will look back in a years time and realise you didn't need to worry so much

Hmm, it's a tough one isn't it?
Do you know of any other children in your son's class? Perhaps arrange a few playdates in a few weeks time?
I think mentioning the older boy to the teacher may be a good thing, if she is quite softly softly and watches out for any teasing then she can reprmand the older child. It may be good if she is aware of the situation.
Poor your DS and poor you, I understand how hard it is when they are sobbing and you just want to help them.

You need to talk to the teacher. Don't leave it.

Bullying is such a strong and emotive word and has a lot more connotations that make people very emotional. Personally, I would not call this 'bullying' just some troubles .

I would tell the teacher that your son has been unhappy and that an older boy has been stealing his hat, she/he will have a quiet word more than likely with the boy's teacher who will in turn have a chat with him.

The reason I give this advice is that DS started in yr 1 and a boy in yr2 did something horrible to him. I talked to the teacher and there have been no more troubles.

I would NOT march up and take the law into my own hands. I would also NOT use bullying as a word. If you take the law into your own hands and other things happen, it will be even harder to get the school onside.

Some good advice here already. I'd have a quiet word with the teacher. The teachers are used to this sort of thing so don't worry about 'putting someone in the spotlight for this'. if it's causing your DS this much distress don't leave it.

Inviting a friend round for tea is a great idea.

Definately tell the teacher. If you dont want to name names then just say that your son has been coming home saying his hat is being taken dropped into puddles etc, can you please keep an eye on it please and make sure it doesnt happen.

Then if it still carries on, then mention the dc name to the teacher.

Also tell your son to tell the dinner ladies there and then.

Hope it all smooths out, its horrible when this sort of thing happens.
good luck!![smil]

Hi Kebby,

I was in the unfortunate position of being the parent of the child who was causing the upset. The mother of a young boy (in a class lower than my dd) approached DP at the school gate one morning. She was sobbing and said her ds was crying every morning before going to school because of my dd. I was absolutely horrified to further learn that she had mentioned her concern, when things were not quite so bad, to the class teacher who said she would talk to me but hadn't. The was no physical contact between the dc's but nonetheless it was making her ds time at school sad and upsetting and I don't think any child should have to deal with that.

I can assure you being the parent of a child who was bullying (or whatever term should be used) is awful too.

We put an end to dd's behaviour immediately and in fact the two became friends. Would you consider talking to the parents?

Occasionally my ds gets upset by something that happens at school and I refer to it as 'teasing' when I go and talk to the teacher. This is much more neutral than a bullying allegation but still makes it clear that something is going on that you would like sorted out.

Sometimes big children like to play with the younger ones, but play in a way that is too grown up or too rough (happened to my dd). Most teachers will intervene, and I think if you go and explain to the school they will keep an eye on it. I don't think you should worry about naming names; the boy who is doing is unlikely to get into a lot of trouble; he will just be told to stop. Or the school might have a general talk with all of the children about being kind without naming names but pointing out about not taking people's hats etc.

It might be the start of bullying, but it is much more likely to just be high spirited boy type play, but your son is too young for it so an adult should intervene. I would make it clear that your son is very upset and crying. As long as you explain calmly then I don't think people will think you are making waves. It sounds like the teacher is making steps to help your son, so is aware of the situation anyway.

I wouldn't speak to the parents; they may react well, but they may react really badly.

I don't know if that made sense; I meant you should name names. It is no big deal if done calmly.

I dont think its 'bullying' as such,the playground is a huge pot of children with different personalities and different abilities some children will be content to be alone others will seek out a friend others be more content in a group,it all depends on their personality and developmental stage.

This doesnt negate from the fact that your little ds is finding the playground hard I should speak with the teacher and ask her to 'pal him up' with someone,do you know any of the older children who would keep an eye on him at playtimes? is it possible for him to take a little toy so he can occupy himself at playtime? invite school pals to play after school?

This will only last a short time by summer you will be collecting a grubby little boy who has been playing wwe (wrestling) at play or who has been looking for worms or racing so hard his school shoes will be scratched to death.

Definately talk to the teacher. Your child is upset about situaions that happen at school it is their responsibility to make sure this kind of thing dosen't happen.
unfortunately my little angel has been in the posion of victim and bully. he fell out with girlfriend but didn't know how to handle it so wouln;t take no for an answer and kept trying to kiss her. she got upset and didn't want to go near him he ended up spending all day every day for a couple of weeks moping about the classroom. he wouldn't talk to any freinds and spent the whole time saying you're not my friend so in the end he went from a popular boy in the class to having hardly any frinds. He ended up hitting a girl and scratching a girl he was so unhappy.in the end the teacher sorted it i just wish i;ve told her sooner

Would agree to tell the teacher. When ds started in reception there were 2 occassions when 2 much older boys dragged him behind a shed, would not let him go and pretended to shave his head.

At the time, I thought these children were the spawn of Satan. I still think they were pretty horrible, but that perhaps it was not quite so evil as I thought.

We told his teacher. She and the head confronted the older boys about it and it has never happened again. On the otherhand, ds later wanted to play with these boys and of coourse they want nothing to do with him.

You tread a fine line between protecting your child and over re-acting so I would always advise doing it through the school and letting them bring some objectivity to the process.

sorry your dc is having a hard time - it's so upsetting. Agree with what's been said about approaching the school, but keeping it low key. I've done this when my ds was in reception and upset by some over-boisterous behaviour. I think the teacher had a general chat with the class about nice ways to play and then kept an eye out. I would fully expect the school to take action (even if a low key way). HtH

I just want to say thanks to everyone for all your kind and helpful messages. I've been at work today so couldn't spend long looking until now but I had a quick look at your advice before leaving to pick DS up from school.

I decided to mention it and had barely got out "DS is having some trouble in the playground with an older boy" when the teacher told me that it had come to the fore that day. I think DS had told her himself and they had spoken to the boy in question, who is in year 5, so quite a bit older than him. She then completely surprised me by telling me that they had to have a word with DS as well because he had hit him! . That's not like him at all. Hopefully now they've both been spoken to, that will knock it on the head and he'll be able to get on with settling in again.

When it becomes apparent who DS is getting on with best, I think I'll definately invite one or two people over for play dates. That's a good idea.

Scardy pants, yours was such an interesting message and very true. It must be hard to be the parents of the person who is accused. I try to take what DS says with a pinch of salt, too. "This boy is always....." could well really mean that he did it for two minutes!