I feel so shy at the school gates

[crazyashell]

Hi
Just wondering if anyone else has this problem or is it just me.
I have always felt shy and awkward at my ds's school when it comes to the drop off and pick up and sometimes I don,t even talk to anyone.
What is worse at the moment as well is that my ds started a new school in Septemeber where I don,t know any of the parents and after almost 4 months I have only really spoken to a couple.
I would dearly love to get to know more people but the thought of trying to make conversation makes me freeze with fear.
I usually end up standing on my own and feel really stupid like a real loner because everyone else is standing in groups chatting away with ease but I have always struggled even making small talk and have never got a clue on what to talk about and I worry that people will think I am nosey intrusive if I do try and talk to them.
Its a real nightmare and I know it can only have an impact on my ds who is trying to settle in at this new school and probably needs me to start arranging playdates etc, however the thought of trying to arrnage one makes me cringe as I feel that if I go up to someone to ask if thier dc wants to come on a playdate they might think I am odd.
Please am I the only one with this problem at the school I am naturally a shy person anyway but for some reason I find it all the more difficult at the school to mix in.
I also shy away from talking to a familiar face at the school if they are already engaged in conversation with someone and if I do try and stand with two or more people I have no idea on how to involve myself in their converation and usually end up just standing there while they carry on talking to each other.
I truly detest been like this and feel as though I am the only one.
I even deliberately get the school at the last minute so I don,t have to endure the agony of looking silly standing there like a bill no mates.
Can anyone relate to this at all.
I come away depressed every day.

oh you poor thing!

How you feel is perfectly normal, almost all of us feel that way at the school gates, some of us just manage to hide it better than others.

Try to remember that these women have known each other (peripherally) for potentially years, and, whilst they are probably not deliberately leaving you out, they have things that they can chat about.

As your little one settles in at school, you will find that you settle in at the school gates a little more as well.

Some things you could try to get to know some of these people a bit better:

If your ds has a particular friend, take the bull by the horns and ask if he can come to you for a playdate instead of waiting for your lad to be asked to someone else's house

If the school has a fundraising committee, go along to the next meeting, they will make you welcome (they will be falling over themselves to make you welcome, they need all the volunteers they can get, probably!)

Act confident, if you act as if you are completely happy in your own skin and it doesn't matter to you whether people talk to you or not, you will give off an air of fab-ness that people will want to get to know better (and sooner or later you may start believing it whether they do or not)

Remember, those women are no better than you, if you were to know what their lives were like, they will have the same insecurities as you and quite possibly more problems

Smile, make yourself look approachable

And most of all, don't worry, it's only a few minutes every day and even though it seems like aaaaaaaages, in the grand scheme of things, it's a teensy bit of time, you can get through it.

Good luck.

xx

Avoid the school gates is my advice! A lot of gossipy, cliquey groups. I drop my DS and then rush into work. Suits me fine. Most of the time the mums talk shite outside school gates anyway. I have 2 good friends from the school who are lovely lovely. When they go off to secondary school everyone tends to go their separate ways anyway.

Don't feel too upset - they are only mummy friendships by and large.

Next time there's a PTA plea for help to run a cake stall/serve tea at an event/whatever, sign up for it. It's a really good way to meet other people in a slightly different situation.

And get some kids round to play - put a note in their tray/bookbag to the parent with your phone number if you can't face bringing it up face to face. Then when the parent collects, ask them in for a cup of tea.

You are not the only one who hates this forced social contact

I can relate to this a bit. My Dt?s moved school in October and I still don?t feel like I know anyone at the school gates. After 3 years at the previous school I still felt like an outsider , although people spoke to me I always felt it was out of politeness and they were really itching to get away back to their own little group. Not much help but I know how you feel. I try not to let it bother me. As long as my boys are happy at school and are making friends , then that?s the main thing for me. I have always felt like an outsider anyway , always at the edge of the crowd, from school days onwards so I suspect I?m not going to change now I?m in my later years

I don't really notice what is going on in the playground; I don't know who is good friends with who and who stands on their own. So please try not to worry too much!

Don't worry about the playdate thing. It is perfectly acceptable to just walk up to someone and say, 'oh hello, are you x's mum. My dc really likes x. can x come round to play?' Then you'll get chatting and get to know them. People will not think you odd; they will just be flattered that their child is being invited somewhere.

Just try the general tricks of any social situation. Tell someone you really like their coat and ask where they got it, or say you like their new haircut or ask if they had a good christmas.

I am sure people have not noticed when you are stood on your own, and if they have they will just think it is because you are caught up in your own thoughts, not because you don't know anyone.

I think squonk is right, a lot of women have just been at school longer and have gradually got to know each other, and they are not better than you! I don't feel nervous at the school gates but I sometimes feel that way at work conferences so I do sympathise. I hope it all works out for you as it is a horrible feeling.

Does your child's class have a 'class list' of all the kids along with any contact emails or phone numbers. We arrange this for our class (I'm a t/a) and with the permission of the parents include such details. They are a great way of getting to know who's who and if you are shy, you can always email a mum and ask for a play date. You should have a class rep appointed by the PTA - ask the teacher who they are and if there is such a list. Good luck

What squonk said

love post squonky baby x

I agree with other advice-volunteer to help, it is much easier to talk to someone if you are doing a job. You don't have to join the PTA for this , if it isn't your thing, just do a one off thing like man a stall. Also invite your DCs friends home-I got to know quite a few people this way.

Hi. I feel a bit like this also. I'm fairly new to the area and feel like everyone knows everyone else.One or two people are a bit friendly and smile/ say hello, tho there are some who are very cliquey.

I found it very hard when I moved from a small village school to a large junior school in an area where I knew no one. I often felt near tears because no one spoke! The best thing was joining the PTA.

My DS moved school during reception year due to a house move (he is now in Year 2) and I found it really hard to be the "new mum" at the school gates again. I know what you mean about standing feeling "billy no mates" (although I'm sure noone else was thinking that). To get through this I used to make it a goal to speak to someone on every school run, even if it was only "do you know if they have PE tomorrow" or similar. After a few weeks I didn't need to do this as had got to know a people and now it wouldn't bother me if I was on my own sometimes as feel comfortable there.

I found asking people if they had a dc in my ds's class was a good initial icebreaker and once you can get to arranging playdates (and most people will be pleased their dc is getting an invite from a new friend), this is a good way to get to know people on a one to one basis.

Wishing you lots of luck

Just look friendly if someone looks at you, say hi when you pass someone you recognise and try not to avoid eye contact. You sound like a nice person anyway, and you will eventually get talking to people don't worry too much.
There are obviously some people who will be cliquey or unfriendly though I agree but I am sure you would not want these people as your friends anyway.
There was a mum who used to appear to look right through me whe we first started school last term - I couldn't think what I had done to offend her so much - and yet we had a 20 minute conversation this morning outside the school gates.

Sorry to hijack but I have had this problem since we moved to a new area 2 years ago. I find it very hard to strike up conversations unless I am spoken to first but try to stand there with what I hope is a smile on my face (maybe it looks like I'm gurning!) but still no one seems to notice me . The kids love the school and have made lots of friends but because I work they go to the afterschool club so I never get the chance to invite their friends over for tea.

They have never been invited to anyone's house either and I don't know if that is because the parents know I work or because they think I'm weirdo because I don't speak to anyone .

The area is also densely populated with yummy mummies in Ugg Boots and Juicy trackies (and I don't think I fit into that category just yet - am trying!) which makes me feel vulnerable .

I did make a NY's resolution to try to start talking to people but dont know how to start because what will people think if I suddenly start to make conversation after all this time? When they're all standing there having a good old goss I do wonder what makes me so different that they can't talk to me??

DK- the more you worry the worse it will be. You need to stop looking for people to talk to and be happy standing alone.
Get a paper or an ipod or something and stop gurning.
You have to relax, give it time and let things happen naturally.
Do your dc get invited to birthday parties? That's a good way to meet mums

Yeah they do go to birthday parties. Normal routine is standing around for a few mins to check DCs are OK then going off after letting the host know. Did have one party where they wanted the parents to stay and that was excrutiating (must check spelling), had to keep pretending I was sending texts!! Can't figure out whether I look unfriendly or whether I live in an unfriendly place!!

Hi Thanks for all of your responses.
I had a bit of an ice breaker one of the moms actually spoke to me it was her ds and mine that caused this to happen as they did a bit of clowning around coming out of school which enticed her to talk to me.
It was just run of the mill conversation really I asked her how long her ds had been at the school etc etc but at least it was a start.
She told me that she has found alot of the moms at the school to be quite cliquey and her ds had not got that many friends and if her ds and my ds are good friends We can get them together sometimes after school.
I had been telling her how my ds has been struggling to make some good friends at the school and she was really nice about it saying she will ask her ds to look out for him.
I felt quite pleased when I got home that I had spoken to someone.
I know a good way to get to know people is to invite my ds,s classmates on playdates its so difficult though when your still not completely sure who is even in his class although I am slowly figuring it out.
It is s slow process for my ds as well with making friends he still doesn,t really have managed to get established in some good friendships like he did at his last school so its difficult to get out of him who he would like me to invite.
However I figure I just have to get a name out of him and go for it and I have actually given the sister of one of his classmates a note to take home to his mom inviting him on a playdate but no response so far.
It all feels quite disheartening at times as I am worried about myself trying to get to know people and at the same time I am worrying about my ds getting in there, I also feel that its me who can give him the helping hand that he needs by getting to know other moms.
Each day I go to the school that I just stand there again on my own with no playdate arranged for my ds I feel like a failure for it I just have to get myself moving.
He has been invited to a party on sunday and I am happy that he has been invited alhtough I think the whole class has been invited, but I am dreading it at the same time as thinking this is a chance to get to know people.

I had to chime in. (2nd time in years of lurking) I completely understand. I loathe the gates, and loathe the cliques. After 4 years, I have gotten used to it, and usually find a few people to talk to.

someone suggested an ipod. I second that. I received one for my birthday and use it for just such occasions. It is brilliant at the school gates, and I get to listen to my choice of un-interrupted music, which is a luxury these days!

Hmm. The school gates can be a bit scary. At DS1's primary, I would be considered as part of a clique (and I promise you I am the most un-cliquey person ever ). I got to know one of the mums because our boys played together on the first day and she happened to be someone I clicked with and I now consider her as one of my dearest friends. The other mums in our 'clique' have just kinda joined us. However, I always talk to new/other mums and invite them out, etc, but some don't want to come. It is always the same mums who do, so we are perceived as cliquey and exclusive when we are so not.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that not all groups of women are unfriendly, but I know how it can appear and how it can make you feel. For example, at DS2's preschool, I felt, until recently, like the odd one out. Then I realised that I had distanced myself from the other mums as I was trying to come to terms with some of DS2's speech/language problems, so this made me look standoffish. Anyway, he was invited to a party and I was dreading it, but I went and held my head high and said 'hi'. Turned out that these women were not cliquey at all, but 2 were sisters and had known the other mums from previous groups. Now I say hi to them all the time.

Again, sorry for rambling, but sometimes it just takes for you to be a little brave and make the first move. If they ignore you, they are not worth knowing . Good luck.