I am worried about my ds at school

[crazedupmom]

Hi
I am in such a pickle about him.
He started at junior school in september where he was the only new boy in class and I get the impression from him that things are not really taking off on the friends front.
The infant school he went to previously he always seemed happy at and he had quite alot of good friends.
I moved him to this new junior school because it was closer to home and easier for me to do a new job, and I thought it would be good for him having friends closer to home.
It doesn,t really seem to be working out that well for my ds though he has just gone 8 and is in yr 3.
He made me feel so sad last night he said he doesn,t want to go back to school and he misses all of his old friends and wants to be back with them all.
He said that at his new school he has difficulty getting someone to play with him and when they do play with him its only for a short time and then they are off with someone else leaving him on his own.
He said he walks around on his own and that everyone that doesn,t know him just looks at him.
I just feel so awful for him and I feel like the worst mom in the world for moving him.
His old friends mostly all went to the junior school that is federated with his old infant school however I do know that things are differnt there now as his old friends have all been slit up and I told my ds that he probably wouldn,t be any of his best freinds class again and things may not be the same anyway for him.
What should I do should I try and get him back with his old mates.
My dh thinks that it would be unwise and that some day or another he has to move away from old freinds and get used to change and thats its best to do it while he is young.
I have spoken previously to my ds's teacher about this and she said he seemed to have loads of freinds but I am not sure that I would trust teachers to pick up on this sort of thing properly.
Please what would you do my ds was terrible this morning not wanting to go he said he was scared of walking around again on his own.

Have you invited any of the children from his class back for a playdate? Are there any after-school clubs or activities which he could sign up for to meet some children from school who share the same interest in football or whatever? If you are worried, I would speak to his teacher again and ask (in a nice way) if she actually sees him interact with other children, who he plays with, what games he likes etc). I think it is difficult for teachers to know about each child in detail but she should have a reasonable idea of what he is up to - certainly enough to either reassure you or confirm your worries!

I think that you need to go back to the school again and explain that he is still unhappy. If possible, take your son with you and ask him to tell the teacher exactly what's happening - ie. children playing with him for a short time.

If the other children are willing to play with him for a short time, then I think there are other things that need to be considered though. Is he trying to dictate the sort of games they play? Why doesn't he go with them when they move on to other people? Is he trying to be too exclusive?

Does the school have anykind of "buddy" system for playtimes and lunchtimes.

I have to say that I agree with your dh that moving him again is not the answer yet.

From my own wxperience with Ds2 + talks with friends who also have 8 years old boys who have started junior school last september, I think it is a very hard time for them. Even when they have not moved school. So I can imagine that for your DS it must be an even bigger challenge. What we have tried to do was to go for a "self esteem boost" where every achievement, as small as it is is used as an exemple of how well he is doing. You could also triy to invite some of his old mates after school , maybe, being back in touch with them could bring the old him back and get him more confident to start new friendships.

On school work is he doing as well as last year or did the change of school also play on that side of things?

I have invited just one so far which went well and he even got an invite back.
There are no clubs at the moment they don.t start until the spring.
I have tried to encourage the playdates with him asking him if there is someone that he would like to invite but he seems really hesitant about it as if there isn,t really anyone that he regards as a good enough friend to ask.
He does seem to be struggling to make a good freind or even a few that he can call his best mates.
He still sees a select few of his old freinds from infants and my dh thinks that maybe that isn,t a good idea.

Yes Gorionine I have spoken to a couple of moms from his old school who say that their ds's seem different, and the one said her ds seems to have become a bit withdrawn since starting junior school.
Littlefish there is an element of what you say with my ds he does like playing specific games and he has said that he doesn,t like some of the other childrens games.

His school work has not suffered at all.

My DCs moved in October, so i know how you feel crazedupmom.

THe only think I can recommend is at least 1 playdate a week with maybe even more than one boy. For example take a group of them to the park after school and home for tea.

Although clubs aren't running yet, what do the other parents do with their Dcs? Do they take them swimming or Scouts or anything that you could tag along to?

I don't let DS and DD see any old school friends as I want them to focus on making new friends at their new school. They see them very occassionally in town and we always stop and say hi, but that's all.

I would also keep raising it with his teacher, keep on at her / him and she /he should be able to help you by sitting your son with someone in class, helping him along, telling you who he is playing with at break etc.

Good luck, its hard but it will be fine. DO NOT MOVE HIM BACK.

crazedupmom, I really think you might need to do some work with your ds and the school on the issue of wanting to play his games. I'm a teacher, and when children say "no-one wants to play with me", what they often mean is "no-one wants to ply my games with me". In order to make friends, children need to know that they must compromise, and know how to play other children's games as well as their own.

If he had been at his previous school for some time, the other children in the class will have grown up with him and his games and so, tend to be more forgiving. However, when moving to a new school, different skills come into play.

Does your ds like football? Things are often much easier when they can get on the field and play football - not so intense!

If his school work is not suffering it is a very positive sign. I am not sure I agree with OneLieIn RE not letting him see his old school friends at all. A boy in DS's class has changed school this september, we still see him every now and then because thay like each other and I do not see why being in a different school should mean they cannnot possibly still be friends, it does not stop him from making different friends in his new school IMO. At this age I don't think they can possibly have too many friends...

I do agree with her about not moving him back.

Okay I will try and start arranging the playdates.
I think that maybe my ds doesn,t have a problem in the classroom and probably always has a group around him to talk to.
I think that maybe the problem is in the playground where he is having a problem getting in there with people.
I have explained to my ds though that he needs to be more accepting of what others may want to play.

I mean back in September when I had my first parents evening his teacher said that he had settled in tremendously well.
She said he was really popular and had made loads of friends she said that everyone wants to talk to him.
I can,t believe that I am now in this position of worrying about him and he feels the way he does.
I do wonder if at first because he was new he was interesting to everyone oh new boy sort of thing, but now they have got used to him he is not so interesting.
He hates football but he does seem to be lacking a certain pushiness for that so thats probably why.

Interesting that he hates football. In my experience, Y3 is a big year for football and teams. It's also a time for quite competitive games and danger/rescue games. What sort of games does your ds like playing?

Is he friends with any of the girls?

His teacher should really be making an effort to help settle him in and build relationship ie: pairing him off for various tasks/lessons, making observations at playtime etc. They are not only there to educate, but the pastoral care and nurturing are also vital. Getting a few of the lads round too after school or at the weekend is a great idea.

I moved my ds when he was 8 (into yr 4) ... it broke my heart, but I made a real effort to get him involved outside of school with other boys (he was at an all-boys school). This is usually easier once the weather is better as you can meet up outdoors. Good luck!!

A new boy started in dd's class this year and he must have had trouble settling in because one day the teacher spoke to the class about it. They handled it very well, the boy went to talk to the head and while he was out the teacher had a chat with them about helping him to fit in and told them all not to tell him about the chat. According to dd he's very popular now and they had just all got used to the old friends and not really thought about how he might feel. I'd have another talk to his teacher.

Im sure he will settle in. He may just be missing his old friends.

I have an 8 y/o DS, and he doesn't play with the same people all the time.

Try the playdate idea - Good luck.