How do you cope with having different expectations to h regarding education?

[admysteltoe]

I'm having trouble understanding where h is coming from the way he talks about the dc's education. They have to get grade A or he isn't happy and thinks they should have all toys and treats taken away so they can learn.

I've put this in primary education as ds is 10, he'd be in the 6th year on UK buther ein Germany he's in a grammar style school already and it's really tough marking. One mistake and your A is gone. He ha sbrought 2 grade C'S home (a 3 in Germany) even though I sta with him all weekend doing maths he only got a 3 in his test. H says he must be stupid (ds) and what if I went out to work full time and didn't sit with him and work, he'd be even more stupid.

Am I maybe too easy going on the dc? I just tell them to do their best an dtry hard and I sit and help them with learning for tests etc but FGS they are 9 and 10. I wantto move back to UK because of this. H's answer is well millions of Germans get through their system so why can't our dc...

Off to church now, end of term service for dd but I'll be back on this afternoon. Thanks for your views ladies.

It's possible that your DH's approach isn't working well for your DS - he may be rebelling against your DH's wishes.

Any chance your DH knows that his unhappiness is down to his unrealistic expectations of himself? Because you don't want this stupidity passed on to your kids ...

admysteltoe on Fri 19-Dec-08 08:43:59
"I would like him to sit with the dc and do homework but he has about 15 minutes a day with them - that's how much he works. He says there are are no dc who can't get good grades because it's all just practise."

Really? So what's his excuse for not passing the army entrance exam.

And what would he have done if he had had a child with genuine learning difficulties?

Mid-life crisis is all very well, but he can't expect your ds to have one just because he does. If he wants more achievement, he'd better do his own achieving.

Point out to him firmly that quite a few children that have been pushed to achieve results that are too high for them end up as disaffected drop-outs. Continued success (which is presumably what he wants for his son) is partly about enjoyment of your work. He is turning it into a miserable joyless exercise.

I've had students turn up at university burned out at the age of 19. A fat lot of good their early success has done them!

Admylin, your h hasn't a clue. Bad enough you and the children battling the system here without him being such an arse.

Have heard repeatedly esp since half-term how hard it is for y5 and Y6 to get high marks at Gymnasium. From mums of those who sailed through primary with 1s and 2s.
Feel really sorry for your two.
And you.
Your h only really seems to care about himself tbh, not sure "mad professor" excuses it.
If he works so much and has so little time for his family, maybe it would be better if you returned to the UK. The secondary system here isn't going change any day soon and neither you nor the children seem v happy.
Will be back on the German thread later with Glühwein and sympathy.

What cory says about burnout is so true.

My DSS2 is neck-and-neck first in his class with a girl he was also at primary school with, who used to beat him easily at primary - basically because her parents made her work extremely hard.

She is, at 11, frequently in tears because she is no longer first in the class and has told DSS2 (who is basically a kind little boy) that she works all hours. He has told her to relax a bit more and work less as he thinks her results might improve with less pressure.

And burnout is so different from the happy coaching situation described by Anna in an earlier post. I had a great situation at home, with highly educated parents who encouraged me to read and made me think I could do anything. But they never made me feel that their feelings about me depended on academic success or that I would let them down if I failed an exam.

From what I have gathered over the years, admylin's ds is very bright. I would say without a doubt that he is an academic type. However,he is not flourishing as he should be within his current school system. That's the problem. Adymlin is at a loss to know how to bring about these A's and B's consistently through-out the year in order to obtain the overall yearly grade required in all this continual testing. It's stress-city all round.

I'm afraid I agree with fink, admylin, as you know. The system is not going to change to suit ds better and the longer he is within the system, the less enthusiastic a learner he will become IYAM.

Wish I had an easy answer for you but you have my sympathy.

I'm going to have to try and talk to h about all this. Trouble is getting him at a good time. By the way he failed the pysical exam for the army, the academic side was OK which is why he now puts zero importance on extra curricular activities like sport or music or art. Only thing that counts is being top of the class. He has a family member who is a major in teh army and everyone bows down to him and respects him, I think that was what h was after then. Now he gets his respect at the university and he gets to boss a few technicians and students around.

I was brought up to try my best, my parents never told me off if I got bad grades but I wanted the praise so I automatically tried harder. You are all right that h's method is just putting the dc off learning and trying because - as in ds's case - however hard he tries, the Gymnasium will not hand out A's. He's left for Berlin today so we'll have a relaxing weekend alone and the first thing he asks his dc when he comes back will be 'have you been learning?'

If you cannot leave admylin, what answer, if any, do you find to the whole dilemma? What do you want h to do/agree to?

Good question! I need him to lighten up and also to pitch in abit and sit with the dc or atleast ds and do maths so he sees taht he can do it. Then he might realise that the marking at school is teh toughest part.

In Geography ds had a 3 in his test. One question about a planet with 17 moons wasn't even in his book so the dc who answered that correctly must have bene doing extra revision (online maybe?)

planet with 13 moons?!
Definitely vital general knowledge anyway I'm sure Things these poor kids have to know off by heart these days.

He doesn't sound all that light a character generally admylin. Do you think he would have the patience, approach to actually be a help to ds though if he put his mind to it? Or do you think he might get exasperated and start telling him he's stupid? (In which case obviously better not to involve him)

On the rare occasion that he has tried to explain some matsh to ds he always goes too far and explains stuff that he hasn't even covered yet. He doesn't get that ds doesn#t know about algebra yet and starts adding bits about that and it just confuses even me. Dd would run a mile if he wanted to help her as he's had her in tears before. Dd works well with me, patience and quiet voice essential.

By teh way I think it's Uranus that has 17 moons. And it's 4 times bigger than Earth. Good to know eh.

well as you well know I am clueless about how to work the German school system (not to mention your dh), will back out and make way for women wiser than myself who may have some good tips for you.

Hope 2009 is a major turn-around admylin. Good luck finding a solution