Son (4 and a half) doesn't seem to have friends - please advise

[Cheeseycheese]

I feel anxious about the fact that my ds has never been asked for a playdate. He's in reception. Do children really need playdates? At the moment he doesn't seem bothered by it because he probably doesn't even notice that his school mates meet up outside school. I am bothered though as I hear other mums make plans and I just seem to be out of everything. My ds is lovely, gentle, bright and sensitive. I wonder if he's just a bit forgettable? Should I worry about this? If he goes for a whole year without being asked for a playdate, will this cause him damage in terms of his confidence? I know you're going to ask me why don't I invite another child, but I have, and so far this hasn't been reciprocated. Should I just relax and let things happen when they will? Do children care about this as much as we do? Am I the only mum who worries about their chidren not having friends?

Hi Cheeseycheese. You are not the only mum who worries about their children having friends. This could be me writing the op.
My DS is 5 and started in Reception in September. He has as yet not been invited to any playdates although I'm not sure many others have either.

In the first few weeks I got myself very stressed as he came home one day (When he was a bit ill) and said no one played with him at lunch time He hasn't said it again and is very happy both going in and coming out of school. So I'm really trying not to let it bother me.

I think as you said my DS is a bit forgettable. He's well natured, kind and caring, but doesn't stand out so he's overlooked sometimes.

DS talks about nearly all the children in his class, but doesn't seem to have any special friends.

I think (and I'm trying to convince myself here as well) that if they are happy to go to school and the teacher think they are happy at school then we should not worry. It's still early days in school and I know my DS went into the school not knowing many other children.

i'm sure friendship is one of the main things that all mums worry about. at his age, i would think he probably doesn't notice though. playdates are probably set up mainly by mums who are already in friendship groups. try not to worry too much. he sounds like a lovely little boy and he will find a group of friends in his own good time.

I agree with RR. DS1 didn't have a playdate until yr3 but I think that's mainly becuase I work fulltime and haven't really got pally with any of the other Mums. I feel guilty that he's missing out but he has lots of friends. His best friend now is the youngest of 3 and his Mum works fulltime so she doesn't really do the playdate thing so I try not to let it worry me too much.

DS2 started reception this year and he seeems to have loads of friends but no playdates. Again the children who seem to have had are the ones where the Mums are SAHMs or work partime. I don't think it's the popularity of the child if there is nothing else. I think it can just be circumstance.

Thank you both. I know that I am projecting my owm fears on my son as I hoped that him starting primary school would boost my non-existent social life. How sad am I? But it is precisely for this reason that I don't want my ds to go through the loneliness I experience everyday.

You are not sad CC. It has only be a term and I'm sure if you continue inviting children back it will be reciprocated. Shame we don't have children at the same school!

Let's see - DD also started Reception in September, and we've had two different friends back after school (once each) and she's been to the their houses in return. With both children, it was me who made the original plans (ie she didn't try to sort it out herself, and it wasn't the other children's mothers either). They're also both children she went to nursery, so I already knew the mums.

I do actually feel very fortunate that both have been reciprocated - if they hadn't been, I'd actually planned to ask. I work roughly school hours but occasionally need to work later, so I have a readymade excuse for saying 'do you think you could pick up DD after school next Tuesday?' - instant playdate. Not had to do it yet!

But I wouldn't be at all surprised if a lot of the children in DD's year weren't doing anything after school - a lot of Reception children are really tired after school and not really fit for much.

It could be something simple like working mums! My ds (4.5 in reception) has been invited to two playdates this term, including one where the mum collected him from school, gave him tea and I collected on my way home from work at 7pm! I've only managed to reciprocate one because I work full time and we seem to have had really busy weekends this term. I'm planning to email the other mum I haven't reciprocated to invite her ds to a playdate which realistically won't be before the end of Jan/beg of Feb. I'm also trying to keep more weekends free to organise playdates with other classmates.

I only drop off my ds occasionally at school and never collect. Whenever I do I'm acutely aware of this whole playdate scene that my ds has practically no part in because his mum works full time.

Personally I'd only be worried if my ds didn't have anyone to play with at school. If you are concerned that that is the case then have a word with his teacher. My ds was upset for the first two or three weeks of term (sobbing at bedtime) because he said he had no one to play with. When I finally made it into the school to have a word with his teacher she nearly collapsed laughing and said he was one of the most popular boys in his class. When I asked him to clarify why he was upset he then said it was because none of his friends wanted to have a sleepover at his house!

AngeGabriel, thank you for your very kind words.

MollieO, right now I feel I wish I had a job so that I could avoid all the school-gates politics. It's a minefield.

In my head I do believe that right now my ds is probably not being damaged by all this, but I still find it hurtful, so I wish I was oblivious to it.