How can I help DD make friends?

[MrsClausOnTheMove]

DD is in Yr1, in a small village school. We were new to the area when she started school so she did not know any other children. She started reception eager to learn and was especially keen to read. The children didn't start phonics until midway through the second term, by which point DD had 'switched off'.

Despite a few problems with another girl, she settled in well and had a best friend..

Now in Yr.1 - the class is split and BF is in reception. DD plays with no other girls yesterday she spent lunch sat on her own (confirmed by a lunchtime assistant) She seems to 'live' her day waiting to be with her BF.

We've had lots of other girls over to play after school (she doesn't get invited back) and this year is not being invited to any of the parties.

I am at a loss with what to do, she 'hates' school, I don't think she is reaching her potential, but then she seems so unhappy. DD2 due to start school in Sept. we have even considered moving schools but I don't think that is the answer.

Sorry for the long post, but could do with some help?

This is more of a problem with small schools IME, there just isn't that much choice of friends.
Have you approached the teacher yet? you need to talk to her, explain your concerns and see if she has some plan to help.
I moved my boys from a small school, for lots of reasons but this was one of them.
They now go to a much bigger school and the first term, ds2's teacher moved ds2 weekly to sit next to different people. Now at Xmas, he has 4 friends to play with which is 4 more than he used to have

BTW does dd like being on her own? It took me a while to get to grips with the fact that ds2 prefers his own company to anyone elses. Also he took a while to understand the idea of taking turns at which game to play. So if his friend wanted to play something else, eg... batman instead of Star wars he'd rather go and play Star wars on his own. could your dd be like this?

Thanks ingles2, we recently had parents evening I mentioned it and her teacher said she 'would look into it' but as the class was 'large' somethings get overlooked

DD is generally well behaved and from her account sits next to the Yr 2 'naughty' boys and a Yr2 girl. The girls in her Yr had paired off from day 1. My concern is that DD and BF are 'a handful together' and don't bring out the best of each other - at home that is fine but next Yr they will be in a class together and I think DD will become more distracted.

I feel we have two issues 1) the social side of school and her unhappiness and 2) How that could effect her work

??

sorry X-post

She plays very well with others, she has a fantastic relationship with her sister and is very social with her peers.

I suppose part of it is the fact that she was so keen to go to school in the first place that I feel it has not lived up to expectations. The school wouldn't have been our first choice, but bad timing on our part meant that we moved house after the LEA allocated places. Although it is our local school - all the others in the pyramid were full including this one and the LEA had to create a space for her as her original place was allocated to the village we had moved from (1/2 hr away)

Dd1 goes to a small village school, she has 12 in her class (5 boys, 7 girls), she hasn't realy got a best friend, she has alot of girls (mainly the year above) who talk to her but struggles with the girls in her class, most of them are realy girly, into barbie and dd1 is more into science, cars and art.

Dd1 is only in reception so at the momment hasn't realy noticed that she hasn't got many friends in her class.

Its hard, i feel sad for dd at times and i think if she was getting upset about it too it would make things seem alot worse.

Thank you Marne,

DH and I had a long chat about it last night and decided that moving her to another school might not help.

It was so sad yesterday when I collected her from school and asked about her day. The tears welled up in her eyes as she told me it was 'fine' when she couldn't hold them in any longer she said BF had been off school sick and the other girls would not allow her to join in the games at play time. Apparently a member of staff had encouraged some other children to let her join in but then she got left out.

I guess partly because when her BF is there she is happy with just one friend and wouldn't normally bother with the others.

I wouldn't worry about her work so much at the moment, imo infants is for social stuff and basics. If she's in the yr1/2 mixed class as opposed to the R/yr1 class she is definitely either average or above.
In the new year, go and a see the teacher again, insist a plan is put in place to help dd make friends within her own year.
Girls are the biggest problem in small schools I think. the school we moved from had loads of problems of the you're not my friend, threesomes that fall out variety. my friends dd is really struggling with this in yr 3, she's thinking of moving her. What are your other school options like?

This sounds like my dd, she only had one friend at nursery and in p1 and p2. This worried me because when friend was off or if they had fallen out then my dd was on her own. I made a real effort to get her to talk to the other girls in her class. Her new teacher made them sit boy girl boy girl and then put them into other groups (her and her bf are a bit wild and silly together so we had asked that they be seperated in class). She now comes home talking about loads of other girls and boys and although she often says she spent lunch time on her own etc she is happy. It took MN to make me realise that she is happy on her own.

I would speak to the teacher again tbh and see if she can be moved round the class or made the milk person or whatever so that she can talk to the other kids in her class. I would also ask if there is any way that the playground supervisor could help her to talk to other children.

I would def make an appointment to see the teacher though if it was my dd coming out in tears. HTH and hope it gets better soon.

p.s I would also ask the other parents for their numbers and have some round during the holidays too.

ingles2

I am worried more about the social side and DH and I decided that we will arrange to go back to school at the start of next term.

We are very fortunate to live in an area (very rural) with lots of good schools within distance, problem is they are all village school primaries with less than 100 pupils. So mixed Yr's. Her Yr. was oversubscribed so our problem would be in moving her. The other school that we would consider is expecting to be under subscribed for next Sept. and having spoken to the head DD2 is 99.9% likely to get in, however DD1 yr is full but as the classes are mixed both the year above and below has a space. The Head has said they are happy for DD1 to join but will have to get permission from the LEA (who have said no in principal!) We would have to appeal.

I don't want the girls going to different schools DD2 would be heartbroken so it would be a huge gamble. Hence we have till the start of term to decide as DD2's school application needs to be in!

mmm...difficult
Why would the LEA say no though? is the school out of your catchment? We're very rural too and when we decided to move, I went to see all the schools with spaces, picked one and moved. that was it.

DH said he was like this at school and so was my brother. However my brother was also very unhappy with it and consequently didn't do well, whereas DH did fine I worry too much.. but just want her to be happy and to not feel left out. She comes home asking when it is her turn to go to friends as they come here or why she isn't invited to a party.

It is her birthday next month and I think I will invite all the girls from her Yr. (8) and take it from there.

That will definitely help. What about the boys? in small schools, it could be she makes good friends with a boy.
ds2 is not a typical boy, doesn't like rough games, football, likes his teddies etc. The girls always seem to like him more than the boys.

ingles2

school is 1 mile away but not catchment, according to LEA (just checked)

You have my sympathy. My DD1 really struggled in a small school with only a few other girls - all who are so different to her and so finds it hard to socialise. When DD2 started this year, life improved a lot. They are very close and play together a lot. I was worried it might stop DD2 making her own friends but if anything it has helped DD1 make a few more as DD2 is naturally more outgoing and mixes with the girls right across the age groups.
How well do you know the other parents of these girls? Just wondering if you could confide in one of the most likely "friendship candidates" and mention that DD1 is struggling to make friends and it would be lovely if you could get the girls to play together outside school now and again? Could be a hint big enough to encourage them to invite DD back to their house now and again?
What about after school activities to help meet other children socially? Near us a lot of them go to rainbows and then brownies all together, also several are in the same swimming lessons.

I would not read too much into the lack of return play invites. I know it is upsetting and difficult for DD but I have given up worrying about it. I think a lot of parents just find it hard to keep organising play dates and this busy time of year is the worst. DD1 has had several girls over from her class and not been invited back. I know the parents well enough (and small enough village that I would find out) if there were any issues, more they are just busy people or don?t prioritise their kids social lives the same as others do.

She does play with the boys from her class - they have been here after school and her to their homes to play. Yesterday she sat next to one of them for lunch, but they didn't want her to join in the 'boy' games. TBH she plays well with lots of boys at home, but is very good at persuasion (often has them dressing up, playing babies etc. which they seem to love) but is not that keen on 'rough and tumble' stuff but will when necessary.

Lemontart,

Thank you for your reply. TBH DD2 will probably help the situation as she is far more outgoing and I do think it will help DD1. DD2 already has a wide circle of friends and if she was to go to the local school with them I have no worries at all. DD1 goes to Rainbows and is starting another after school club next term (which BF is not going to)

Will work on the mums later and try and sort a couple of play dates during the holidays.

Thank you all for your comments - it makes me realise that this is 'part of her makeup', hopefully school will support us next term at giving her the opportunity to sit with others and make some new friends.

Only a couple of school days to go and she can have a lovely family break away from it all. I bet that will do her the world of good x
My DD fell out with her best friend today - absolutely the end of the world. Just been on the phone sorting it all out. I am sure that it is end of term exhaustion and over emotional. Harder to cope with the little knocks at this time of year. Hopefully your DD will find it easier in the new term and with a new club too.
Good luck - I know exactly how worrying and stressful it can be. You (and your DD) are most definitely not alone in this situation and hopefully it will improve soon x