Help - childs behaviour at school out of control, I no longer no how to cope or what to do.....

[oliandjoesmum]

I haven't posetd on here for a couple of years now, but if you are interested in the background I guess you can search on my nickname. I am not sure how to do links??
Anyway, my eldest DS is now 8. His behaviour is so extreme, I have no idea how to cope any more. He was recently moved to a larger school for year 3 because we thought he would manage better there, and his brother (4 - in reception) wanted to go there. His violent outbursts got worse and worse (hitting/ biting/ trying to stab a child with a pencil), and his depression and self harming attempts (biting himself/ hitting himself with heavy objects/ scratching/ pulling hair out) also escalated. I eventually had to take him out the day I found him running around the school screaming his head off and unable to even recognise me (no teacher with him). I think he found the size/ sensory overload/ social demands of the school too much.
He is now at another smaller school (the school he had left) part time, but he is so withdrawn and suicidal. He can't look at people, he puts his coat over his head when walking in to school. He can only manage two hours a day, and certainly no lunchtimes.He has violent outbursts at home, kicking and throwing, and he hides under tables/ beds etc. I also have a 4yo and 1 yo to care for, and a part time job.
The other parents are being horrendous, the gossip is atrocious. My son is undergoing an ASD diagnosis, he quite clearly is mentally disturbed, and he can't help his actions. However people are saying I don't care, that I am cold and rude (I am actually acutely depressed, and unable to cope with the playground anymore). They have also started chinese whispers that my 4yo is 'naughty'(he isn't, right perfect peter) to paint me further as a bad mother.
I am in constant conversations with educational psychologist, CAMHS, CASADT, consultant, head teacher etc etc, what more can I do?? Nothing ever actually seems to happen, mental health process seems to be a complete nightmare.
Have applied for IPF, really hoping this might help, but really, I don't know what to do. Is this ASD/ conduct disorder/ ADHD?? I just don't know. I am at breaking point and having panic attacks frequently about him being excluded/ taken in to care. The other mothers have no idea, they say 'we/him are not punished enough' for his behavoiur, they have no idea of the hell. I need some help, but I don't know where else to turn....

[Decena]

I am afraid that I have no experience of this but wanted to say how desperately sorry I feel for you and hard though it is, try to take care of yourself as well as your kids.

[bamboostalks]

You must completely focus your attention away from the other mothers and focus totally on your son. I know that is tough to do but it is essential, you are being distracted by them. You have a huge amount of outside agencies involved, is there a parent's advocacy service that you could access?

[bamboostalks]

Also wanted to say that you have my utmost sympathy with this tough situation, it is so so difficult and totally relentless. You sound as if you are doing a great job.

[Countingthegreyhairs]

Poor little guy and poor you.

So sorry to hear the other parents are making your life even harder too - that is unforgiveable

Just wanted to post to say you are doing a briliant job.

Could you possibly afford to get him to see a child psychologist on a private basis and circumvent the system or perhaps a family member could fund this? It might get things moving a bit quicker and alleviate some of your stress.

Take care x

[MmeHereWeGoAWassailLindt]

I have no experience with this kind of problem but wanted to say that you are doing great, you obviously are doing all you can to help your son, despite having little assistance or support. Don't let the other parents get you down (easier said than done, I know)

The mnetters on the Special Needs board will be able to give you lots of practical tips and suggestions anott where to get help.

[kittybrown]

Hi there O&J's mum. My heart goes out to you. I've had a few similar experiences with my son's behaviour and the rumour mill at school. Hold you head up high as you are doing a fantastic job. It's tough but it doesn't matter one jot what they think of you or your son, what matters is your son getting the help he needs.

I know you haven't had a diognosis yet but this is a marvelous forum www.asd-forum.org.uk . Loads of good posts and tremendous support from parents and carers of similar sounding children.

Take care.

[munkeebiznessunderthemistletoe]

Hi o and js mum,

Just wanted to add my best wishes and empathy. Stay strong- these are tough times, but it will not always be like this. Ignore those ignorant parents as much as you can: it's really hard to deal with all those agencies, and the cogs of SEN support certainly do move slowly at times. Stay focussed and hold your nerve. YOU ARE A GREAT MUM AND YOUR DCs NEED YOU.

Hope you can find more help on here soon. xxx

[Coldtits]

You poor poor sod.

Get on that phone to every single agency involved and demand help, NOW IMMEDIATELY.

For WHATEVER reason, your son has needs that are clearly not being met by the school and they have to help you. He is UNABLE TO ACCESS HIS EDUCATION. Do the people involved with his diagnosis know that he only does two hours a day? He has a RIGHT to a full time education, if your school can't cope with him, he needs to go to a school that can. And they need to sort that out for you NOW.

[onwardandmerrilyupward]

I have been thinking of you since I read this last night, but this is my first chance to come back and post.

Firstly, have you seen this? There is beginning to be an acknowledgement at government level that SEN children are being let down by schools.

And secondly, I wondered whether you had considered taking your son out of school altogether? He's clearly not thriving there, and not being helped as he needs to be, and it doesn't sound to me like it is doing his mental health any good, or yours for that matter.

Home Education is a through-the-looking-glass world you could enter with him, a world which has a lot of children in it who have been labelled or not properly labelled within the system, and whose needs were not/could not be met within the system. If you're interested, come and ask questions in the Home Education thread, go and look at HE Special Needs site (and they also have an active and supportive email list where you could ask questions. There are lots of blogs written by HEing families where there are various SENs among the children - I can give you links if you want. But first, go and look at this thread and this one because you can always find all the answers you need on mumsnet

I might be completely off the rails of what is desirable or doable for your family, but just reading your post, it seems to me that your son is being so badly let down by a system which cannot respond to his needs that things certainly couldn't be worse if you and he opted out altogether.

[oliandjoesmum]

Thanks for the HE advise, I would love to do it. Prob is, even though I only work 18 hours per week I take home nearly £2000 for that, we can't live without it. I also have a one year old at hone when not working. Who would have him when I was working? Not being dismissive, just don't understand the practicalities
General update - We saw GP yesterday. She was furious/horrified that nobody is doing anything to help him or us. She rang CAMHS and demanded as a priority that he gets some help. Waiting to here back from her. CASADT (autism support team) have written a quite useful report including some good strategies, have said also to do a story with the other children for them to understand why Joseph finds some things (personal space being invaded/ eye contact/ change) difficult. They also need to explain why he just says whatever is in his head, doesn't know how to regulate thoughts. Will also explain why he reacts by running/ throwing chairs/ hitting out. I understand that 7/8 year old children are scared, it is the parents I don't understand, one of them is actually doing a masters in psychology, and she is one of the ringleaders!! The IPF may be the stepping stone we need whilst awaiting dx.

[onwardandmerrilyupward]

hello again.

Well, if you'd love to do HE, then the thing to do is to brainstorm your way around the practicalities to see if you can find a way of working the 18 hours with both children being cared for by someone else

which is where we start to think of...

extended family to do some childcare?
a childminder for both children?
someone you trust to come in and be a nanny for both for those 18 hours?
if there's a Dh around, having him shift his hours around so you can juggle the children between you?

changing your hours to make them happen when someone you trust is free to care for both children?

and then going crazier without any expectation of you saying "yes! this would work!"

downsizing your lifestyle so you could manage on fewer hours work, or your Dh could (if there is one)? In order to live on a single full time salary, we rent rather than home own, we don't run a car, we tend to buy things second hand not new, our holidays are always to relatives, that sort of thing

finding work which pays more per hour so you can do less of them? (because obviously there are 100s of those jobs knocking around as the recession continues...)

finding a way for you or Dh to work partially from home?

flexi-school where your son is only expected to be there while you are working?

The big thing - I would ask your son for his ideas about how his life might be improved. Quite often it's the children who come up with the off-the-wall and genius solutions.

[onwardandmerrilyupward]

This sentence "finding work which pays more per hour so you can do less of them? (because obviously there are 100s of those jobs knocking around as the recession continues...)"

needs a after it!

[cornsilk]

Have you spoken to the Head about the attitude of the parents? That really needs to be addressed as it can easily be transmitted to the chn. There is a boy in my ds's year with SN who can be very aggressive but the situation is handled really well. It sounds like you have a brilliant GP on your side anyway.

[imaginaryfriend]

oliandjoesmum, I really feel for you. I don't have any experience to offer you and you're much further down the line in seeking help than I have any knowledge of.

I was just interested to ask you about his behaviour at home and about what seems to calm him down / make him happy? Has he ever managed longer days at school? Has his behaviour deteriorated as he's got older? Is he able to talk to you about his behaviour / understand why he shouldn't do certain things?

I really hope you get the help you need and deserve.

[Creole]

Re HE, wouldn't he be further isolated if you take this route? What about the OP? Probably working, gives her time away from the kids and respite.

I really don't think HE is the answer here.

I really feel for you though, some mums can be really horrid. Just try and ignore them and focus on your child - hard I know, but I've developed a thick skin as I hate the playground too.

Really hoping all goes well for you and your boy.

Take care