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y1 friendship problems - should I say something to the other mum?

9 replies

mimsum · 06/12/2008 18:58

DD's in Y1, and according to her teacher is a perfect pupil (at parents' evening I had to keep checking that the teacher wasn't actually talking to another child's parents behind me )

At the end of reception the two classes were mixed up to balance up the social and ability mix - one class had been much more 'middle class' and had more very able children than the other class. The school did their best to keep established friendship groups together, although obviously they couldn't keep all the friendships in the same class. DD was moved up in a friendship group of 4, DD, two other little girls who I'll call X and Y who are also among the older girls in the class, and another little girl Z who's one of the younger ones. I was a little concerned about this as X's family had always planned to leave the school at Christmas and Z's childminder is Y's mum so obviously Y and Z spend a lot of time together. Y is very dominant and I was worried that once X had left DD would be left out on a limb as part of a 3. I'd been encouraging DD to branch out with her friendships especially after she was the only one of a much wider friendship group who wasn't invited to Y's party last year.

DD is already upset as it's X's last week at school and I've just found out that Y has not invited DD to her party again this year and DD is understandably devastated - if asked, she would always say that Y is her best friend, and when I've asked the teacher she says that DD and Y are constantly playing together and never seem to have any problems.

Should I say anything to Y's mum?

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imaginaryfriend · 06/12/2008 22:53

It's complicated isn't it? Do you know Y's mum well? Is there any reason at all that you can think of as to why your dd's not invited to Y's party? Is she more keen on Y than Y is on her?

colie · 07/12/2008 14:21

Don't really have the answer but I have been in exactly the same situation with my daughter. Y in our situation didn't invite dd to her birthday party in yr1 and again now in yr2. To make it worse X in our situation, who hasn't left the school, just had her birthday and didn't invite DD.

X and Y are the leaders of the "girly gang" and all the girls will tell you this.

I was desperate to ask Y's mum, especially because my DD had invited both girls to her birthday party in yr1, and again like you, my DD classed both of these girls as her best friends.

I decided against asking the mum, because I thought if the truthful answer was going to hurt my feelings then she probably wouldn't tell me anyhow.

I am pleased I haven't asked the mum, as the situation has escalated in school, and I am now going to have to tell the school that dd is getting bullied by Y.

If I was you I would just leave it as do you think you would get a truthful answer. Also, I don't like confrontatin, not sure many do, so just left it.

Although, I am determined this year that DD is not inviting X and Y to her birhtday party but will invite every other little girl in the gang . Need to teach them young, what goes around comes around.

I would also try and encourage a friendship between your dd and Z. Get little girl back to yours for tea and bake cakes and have play doh out etc. I know Z's mum works but try for a saturday morning or something if after school is not suitable.

Good luck, some people are just so horrid. I really feel for you and your daughter as I know how horrid it is for this to happen.

roundcornvirgin · 07/12/2008 14:23

no don't say anything,just keep encouraging your dd to have other friends. Horrid situation.

flixx · 07/12/2008 18:13

You need to leave it really. As hard as it is you can't make other children be friends with your DD. You'd be better off trying to teach your DD how to handle these situations because unfortunately thats life

mimsum · 07/12/2008 18:23

I know, I know .. I will have to leave it although secretly I'm harbouring murderous thoughts ...

the ridiculous thing is they ARE friends - whenever Y sees DD in the street she cries "DD!" and rushes over to give her a hug, she came round for tea the other week and they got on brilliantly and when I've asked the teacher who DD's playing with it's almost always Y she's not getting an invite to DD's next party though

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CrushWithEyeliner · 07/12/2008 18:24

How can a Mum not invite a girl who their child plays with every day to a party? That is bloody awful! I am not looking forward to this with my DD, girls and their Mums seem like a 'mare....
I also feel you may have to leave it. Could there be an explanation?

colie · 07/12/2008 19:32

Awww, sounds again like mine. DD played with Y and X everyday, also whilst waiting on morning bell going and for at least 15 minutes after school each day. Like your dd if they saw each other on way to school they held hands and giggled all the way in. Also I have had Y back for tea.

As others have said, all you can do is encourage other friendships. Have others back for tea etc.

My heart goes out to you as it is so stressful going through this.

imaginaryfriend · 07/12/2008 21:37

Is it a particularly small party? Can you think of any reason why your dd wouldn't be invited. It seems so odd.

frecklyspeckly · 07/12/2008 21:59

Bless you.Had this problem with ds when he was 4. The other child was grandson of next door neighbour. They had always played together.DS thought that he was his friend, then he had a party and invited all the group of boys and left ds out. I was so upset. Kept thinking how could the mum allow that having known us for so long? no prior incident, no warning, it felt like a smack in the face. Basically this kid unfortunately turned out to be rather mean and did it deliberately to then tease ds in a rather bullying, excluding way.But then, he was only 4 so no great masterplan probably. I just think it is sad the mum was rather rude and had no social skills or manners (not v bright) after all the times the boy had played at our house etc.It hurts. You will get over it. I confronted mum - was wrong thing to do. She just said 'well he doesnt want him there'. TBH it was one of the reasons I moved him out of going to the same primary school as this kid. And do you know what - now, when this kid comes to see grandma next door he is all smiles and waves at my ds and says he misses him - it doesn't really mean anything. Stay strong, be patient, have other kids over if you feel like it - by the time she is grown up she will have made many friends, dont worry.

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