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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Original poster

Ds came home and told me he had been sent to the head for fighting why didnt the teacher tell me!

23 replies

theirmum · 25/11/2008 21:56

My Ds is 4 1/2 and he and his friends get very silly when together I have had a word with the teacher a few weeks ago DS went to nursery with the other little boy and they seem to have a love hate relationship I had agreed with the teacher than DS would not be allowed to sit next to said child in school for both their sakes!

Today after school on the way home in the car DS told me that him and the other boy had been sent to the headteacher for fighting (chasing each other around the room) he was told that if he was in year 6 he would have been sent home anyway I am getting this second hand from a 4 year old why on earth didnt the teacher say anything??? if My kid is naughty enough to send to the head I think I should at least be told!

So should I have a word tomorrow?

OP posts:
saadia · 25/11/2008 22:07

You should have been told, but the school may not see it as a big thing if it was a one off.

Reminds me of the time that ds1 was in Reception and he told me that he and another boy had pulled their trousers down at playtime . When I questioned the teacher (who had not mentioned it to me) and asked how his behaviour generally was, she said there were no problems, just that he was easily led. The other boy had been sent to the Deputy Head though.

mabanana · 25/11/2008 22:09

In my experience, you should take EVERYTHING four year olds say with a pinch of salt. You might get a very different story when you mention this to his teacher tomorrow morning. It may even not have happened at all!

Original poster
theirmum · 25/11/2008 22:17

My Ds is also easily led! I think I will say something tomorrow just to hear a grown ups version. He did tell me a few weeks ago he broke some ones tie (they are elastic) when i asked the teacher if I need to buy a new one for someone I was told he hadnt Kids!!

OP posts:
Redazzy · 25/11/2008 22:55

I had two parents tell me that they had been told by their children that ds who started reception in September had been sent to see the head on two separate occasions, once for knocking something over and not apologising and once for biting someone. The first time, I asked ds and he seemed so shocked at the very thought, I just ignored it. The second time I rang the school to find out what exactly was going on. It was all a load of rubbish. There had been no issues of bad behaviour at all. So I am with mabanana, check with school before you do anything else. There is a huge mythology built up in reception about being sent to the head's office and sometimes the facts might not be as they are reported.

seeker · 25/11/2008 23:12

Also at our school being sent to the head's office can mean "I got a bit angry/sad/overexcited/boisterous/upset and I was taken to sit with Mr X until I calmed down and to have a chat to sort it out" Not a punishment a parent needs to be told about - just a way of removing a child from a aituation or group thats not working very well.

sunnygirl1412 · 25/11/2008 23:14

In my experience, schools often prefer to deal with minor misdeeds 'in house', then it's all over and done with. I think they feel that if they've dealt with it, then it's right to draw a line under it and move on, rather than telling the parents who might punish the child again.

Original poster
theirmum · 25/11/2008 23:17

I see what your saying sunny poor chap had a right telling off from me my mum said she thought it very good of him being honest wish I hadnt told him off quite so much no treat, no TV and no story! Just the thought of him being so bad he is sent to the head

OP posts:
seeker · 25/11/2008 23:21

I do think it's a shame to tell him off and send him to bed with no story unless you've got the full picture from the school - you may find yourself having to apologize to him tomorrow!

I do thing that what happens at school should stay at school - if he was naughty at home you wouldn't expect him to be kept in at playime at school, would you?

Original poster
theirmum · 25/11/2008 23:29

He did get to have his story tape though the thing is I have told him not to play with the little boy he got into trouble with DS went to nursery with him and he was a right handful there (the other little boy) at parents evening his teacher told me she though it best for them to be kept apart and that the other little boy had concentration issure that she and his mother were addressing (am sure she shouldnt have told me that but its her first teaching post) I just dont want my DS to miss out and get into trouble because he is copying the other boy

OP posts:
cory · 26/11/2008 07:18

I think this is something we get quite often here: parents being really worried about their offspring having been sent to see the Head, because in their day that meant something dreadful. These days it tends to be rather differebnt. Our Infants Head was a thoroughly cuddly woman with a sense of humour whose superior soothing skills would have difused any situation

Also, what the other posters have said: never trust a 4-year-old eye witness. My MIL in her 83rd year still cringes at the thought of the time when she went storming into school because her 4-year-old had told her that they were being taught wrestling in Reception.

cory · 26/11/2008 07:21

Sorry, posted to soon. Meant to say: Being sent to the Head at dc's infants would not have meant Serious Punishment but more There Let's Calm Things Down A Bit Before We Carry On Learning.

Original poster
theirmum · 26/11/2008 09:46

Spoke to the teacher this morning turns out the three boys were sent to the head because they were told to stop what they were doing (bundling each other) and didnt! they were sent to the head so he could tell them just how naught fighting is and that it is not allowed. So I dont feel bad about punishing him! The teacher did also say that on the whole the three boy's behaviour has improved and she is happy with their progress I did tell her that in future if my DS has been nuaghty enought to be sent out of the class room I would like to be told. So all sorted

OP posts:
seeker · 26/11/2008 12:02

Can I say - very gently and being prepared to be shot down in flames-that I really don't think you ought to punish a child again at home when the school has dealt with it. Apart from the natural justice of it (you wouldn't expect the school to keep a child in at lunch time if he was naughty at home, would you?) it might make him reluctant to tell you about stuff that happens at school in future.

choccyp1g · 26/11/2008 12:10

I agree with Seeker, that you generally shouldn't punish again. But I'd prefer the school to tell if DS has been sent to head, as that is pretty much the ultimate sanction in Yr3.
My approach is if DS "owns up" to me, we have a little talk, to ensure he understands what he did wrong, and agree some strategies to stop it happening again (e.g. sitting away from friends at carpet time) then that's the end of the matter.
If I hear from someone else that he's been in trouble, and he denies it, then I get VERY CROSS.
However, I often have to suppress my amusement at some of the mad things DS does ..

Original poster
theirmum · 26/11/2008 12:18

I suppose its each to their own I think if he has been bad at school its should be followed through at home I think he should know that just becauae I am not there it does not mean he can be naughty.

OP posts:
seeker · 26/11/2008 12:25

Would you be happy for the school to punish him for something that happened at home, then?

I don't mean that you shouldn't tell him that you're not happy with his behaviour at school -of course you should - but I don't think he should be punished again.

He is only 4.5 - teeny weeny. And boys bundle - it's a fact of life. He hadn't done anything very bad!

mabanana · 26/11/2008 12:27

Gosh yes, a bit of friendly pushing and shoving at the age of four is hardly a crime. ALl I would do is say, 'You must listen to the teacher and do as she says'. He's just a baby at school really.

pralinegirl · 26/11/2008 21:32

We've had similar experiences. At first parents' evening about 5 weeks in were shocked to hear our son was fighting and being mean to children in his class. This was the first we'd heard about it. The teacher actually asked my husband 'Do you want to hear this?' Of course we did, but some time before. He had been naughty enough for other parents to request that he be moved away from their child. So I suggested rules and a daily behaviour chart. But teacher leaves out days and then don't know whether he's been 'good' or not or how to reward/'punish'. Last week it was filled in on Friday for most of the week. I thought he'd been fine. He's missing nursery and the chance to run around but we take full responsibility for our part in improving his behaviour but teacher disinclined to communicate good or bad behaviour. I know she's working hard with him in class - I just need some communication and he does too!

wellsie · 02/12/2008 21:02

Can I just say how relieved I am to read this thread. I've been in quiet turmoil since DS1 started Reception this September with concern about his boisterous behaviour. He has been in trouble a few times for rough play but I make a point of communicating through his homework book about any issues/concerns and his teacher & teaching assistant has been very responsive to this.
I'm wondering if I put too much pressure on both me and him expecting him to be good all the time. My Mum keeps telling me "he's a boy" and "He's only 4" but I worry that he'll still be behaving like this in years to come. I also worry that he's getting a reputation for being naughty but I think I might be imagining this as his teacher has assured me he is no better and no worse than every other little boy.
Anyway guess what I'm trying to say is thank you to all those who have posted on here. I feel loads better for having read this thread and realising there are other mums & sons going through the same thing.
Wellsie
P.S. Theirmum, your situation sounds identical to ours with the "friend" from nursery

plus3 · 03/12/2008 11:10

Wellsie that could have been my post.. Am in tears at the moment for all the above reasons...

wellsie · 04/12/2008 21:56

Oh bless you Plus3. I've found it to be such an anxious time and am quite looking forward to the Xmas hols where we can all chill out.
Goodness knows what I'm going to be like when he's a teenager
Wellsie
x

cat64 · 04/12/2008 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hellywobs · 09/12/2008 12:30

Personally I would be glad that the school is dealing with the issue appropriately and not moaning to you. And it's also good that he told you. I had exactly this happen last year in YR and was surprised they hadn't told me, but pleased the school had dealt with it properly. I don't agree with double punishment.

And this year, my son is a model pupil and his teacher is very pleased with him! They do grow up and they do realise that it's easier to conform and behave - and maybe Y1 with its more demanding curriculum suits some better than YR. Boys can be a problem but there are plenty of "naughty" girls too! Kids have to learn social norms and they can only learn those through being told. They aren't born knowing how to behave.

However, with all the emphasis on discipline in YR, you've got to ask where it all evaporates to in secondary school when the kids are rude and don't want to learn!

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