Should i ring the school?

[Marne]

I posted this in SN as dd1 has aspergers syndrome, but thought i would post here too.

Sorry i didn't know who else to talk to, i am sat here in tears and not sure who i should be talking to (at the school).

As some of you my have seen in my other thread dd1 has not been eating and comes home with most of her lunch still in her lunch box. Today she ate one bite of her sandwich, when i asked her why she hadn't eaten her lunch she said because she was upset, another child (my neighbours dd) told me that another child (we shall call her 'o') has told dd that nobody likes dd and she has no friends, 2 more children came up to me and told me the same, i felt so for dd1.

When we got home i asked dd1 again about lunch time and she said she couldn't eat her lunch because she was crying because of O being nasty to her . I offered dd1 her lunch when she got home but she refussed to eat it.

O has been nasty to dd1 in the past, she has locked her in the cloack room and has hit dd1, i am friends with O'S mother and we have been over there house for a play date, O was realy rough with dd infront of her mother, i was that her mother just laughed at O.

Anyway i have 3 issues that are upsetting me.

1. Dd1 not eating and the school not helping her to eat her lunch.

2. Dd1 not eating at home and not gaining weight.

3. Her problems at school with O and possibly other children.

Now for a few questions.

1. Do i need to speek to the school about both issues?

2. Would it help if i got her statemented? and how do i do this?

3. Who do i talk to about her eating problems? (GP, Health visitor etc..)

4. Is this just how life is for AS children reg being different and having problems at school?

Sorry for the rant, i hope you can advice me on what to do for the best.

I feel so sad for you and your daughter. It is awful when your children have a rough time at school.

I would request a meeting with the teacher or ask her at pick up time today/tomorrow if you can have a word with her. IME the teachers have nothing to do with dinner time so the teacher might not know what is going on with your daughter.

Can you involve your daughter with what she has in her lunch box to make it more appealing? When I send bananas in my children's boxes I write a message on the skin with a biro and it makes them smile.

Dh has phoned the school for me as im too upset and angry, dd1's teacher is away on a trip but is going to phone me when she gets back, dh spoke to the lovely lady who works in the office, she said the school are aware of this girls behaviour and they wont tolerate dd1 being upset as dd is such a lovely child , they have offered to mover dd1 to another table with another year group for lunch times which doesn't realy seem fair as the other girl should be moved but dd1 was happy about this.

Dd1 is scaired of O and whilst in the doctors yesterday O came in with her mother, i could see fear in dd1's eyes and she wouldn't leeve my side.

Dd1 is alost 5, i know at that age they can find it hard to make friends but this has realy upset me, what if O is rite and dd doesn't have any friends?

yes you need to ring the school. sorry i didn't see the thread in sn.
does she have any support?
school action/ plus? does she have an iep? social targets can be set, and other issues too (eg some sort of coping strategy for lunchtimes)
i would ask for an appointment with the teacher and senco and ask them to go through everything with you. maybe there is a quieter area she could eat with one or two others if the lunch hall is too overwhelming? sorry, not sure how old dd is?
ask them what level support she is on at the moment and discuss whether this is sufficient and whether they can introduce some lunchtime/ social support. you can ask them if they believe she needs to be statemented - it is easier if parents and school agree, but not impossible otherwise.
is she becoming pickier about food? quite often i think lunchboxes are an issue - is it food she will eat at home?
have you got nas support/ contact? thery are usually a mine of information and have loads of ideas how to deal with many common issues.

How horrible for you both, it makes me so sad and angry to think of children being bullied like this. I would suggest that you most definitely speak to the class teacher and firstly explain about how sad dd is because of 'o'. If that is dealt with then dd may be happier about eating her lunch.

I would definitely speak to her teacher in the first instance. If nothing much happens from there I would go straight to the Head. My DD1 is not SN but was terribly bullied (not physically, but similar to what you describe) earlier this year and it made her life a misery. I left it for a while in the hope that 'things would improve' but they didn't. When I did go to the Head she said she wished I had come to her earlier, and she dealt with the bullying problem straightaway.

On the upside, I think most children have problems making friends at school at some time. You don't mention how old your DD is, but my younger DD2 is nearly 5 and she is not mixing well with her peers, preferring to stay with DD1 and her older friends in the playground.

I sympathise - it breaks your heart when children tease your child and you wonder how much you can help them. You are not alone. Go and speak to the school today - I hope things improve soon. I'll be watching this thread.

ok - just seen she is 5.

it's really important you make your relationship with school a good one. ring the 'lovely lady in the office' back and explain that you would like to arrange a meeting with dd1 teacher and senco for when she returns, please.

it will all be ok. but you need the teachers and senco to understand, not the secretary lol.

Oh your poor dd - and you too

Yes, please speak to school straight away. This "o" shouldn't get away with it.

Do you think you could bear to speak to the mother?

Romy- She's not getting any help at school, she has only just started having lunch at school (last week), when she gets upset in class they take her out to calm her down which works well. A coping stratagy would be great. She used to have lunch at nursery and always came back with an empty lunch box. Her teacher isn't there for lunch times so they have dinner laddies, dd1 says the whole of reception sits at one table (14 children), she said she would be happy to sit with year 2 as she has friends in that year (one paticular girl who she loves).

At parents evening i was told dd has lots of friends and doesn't need any help with her AS apart from when she gets upset, she said sometimes dd is over sensitive and crys for no reason).

Dd is a year ahead with reading and writing and does realy detailed drawings, i don't want the social side of things to hold her back IYKWIM so i need to get this sorted out.

Do you think i should speek to O's mother? I have her phone number as i am friends with her. Or would it be best to leeve it to the school?

no. let school deal with it. they need to be speaking to o's mother, not you.

ask to talk to them again and ask whether they can set up an iep with social targets/ ways of coping with stress.

in a way they are already putting something in place if they are removing her from the room if she gets upset (not my first choice of 'coping strategy' but you have to start somewhere lol) have they got a quiet corner within the room? chill out area?

i assume they have got all details of dd's dx etc? sometimes the lea has an asd outreach worker/ sta - it might be worth finding out and having a chat.

it always takes a while to get to know a new team, and for everything to settle into place, but really important that they know how difficult this is for dd (and you).

Leave it to the school, don't get yourself into a stressful situation with the other mum. Bullying problems are not uncommon, for NT children either. A good school will know how to deal with them. Don't assume it is all to do with your dd's social skills: it sounds as if the other little girl has problems. A meeting with the teacher is the way forward. Maybe also with the SENCO.

They have some of dd1's details but we are waiting for a dx which will be on the 5th december. Her teacher has been great and has even looked on the net for info on AS (in here own time). She was also very helpful with getting dd over her toilet phobia.

From what i can see alot of the children are upset by o's behaviour, her mother knows what o is like but seems to find it funny when i talk to her about it.

i would meet up with school before 5 dec as the lunch thing needs sorting - just as a thought - is it an infant school? if so, those lovely year 2 girls that dd will be relying on won't be there next year... hopefully it will all have been sorted out by then, but i would be a little wary of teaching her to rely on the older girls if you think it will be more difficult to renegotiate later on - only you know how she is likely to be with that...

It not an infant school, just a small primary school, the classes are slightly mixed, receptions and a few year ones, then some year ones and year 2 together etc...

She has 2 or 3 friends in year 2 which will be going up to another class next september and will eat after dd1. At the momment dd plays with the year 2's alot, mainly with a girl who hasn't got many friends in year 2 (lovely girl) and a boy who i suspect is also on the spectrum. She has a friend in reception who is my neighbours daughter, they play alot outside of school but don't seem to play together at school.

that sounds nicely mixed up - no problem with reliance lol!
they'll get there, you just need to be firm about the o behaviour and lunch and hopefully the social things can be worked at slowly.

Just wanted to offer you my support as I have Asperger's. (I was only diagnosed in September, my son was dx'd the previous September)

I CAN still be oversensitive sometimes, but I feel I've done well in my life regardless, with 9 O levels, 3 A levels and a degree in Maths, followed by a career in computing. I have a wonderful husband and 2 lovely children.

I think its fabulous your DD has lots of friends, do everything you can to encourage that, because if that's one thing that has caused me problems is lack of friends.

I'm not the only "Aspie" mum on here either.

If I can help at all, CAT me.

Thanks MaryBS, its so nice to hear how AS children are when they become adults as being a parent of a child with AS i constantly worry about what the future will hold for my dd's (dd2 ASD).

At least you know WHY your DD is like this. The diagnosis was a huge relief for me, because I now had an explanation for so many things that happened in my life, and I can also help my son. There are lots of adults out there undiagnosed (and I'm learning to spot them!). It seems many, like me, are only finding out about themselves when their children are diagnosed.

DH said to me, when I first told him that I thought I had it too "I needn't worry about DS then because YOU turned out alright". Probably the best thing he could have said to me!

The school/dd's teacher has phoned me and explained that O isn't supossed to sit next to dd but as the teacher wasn't there today they sat together. She said that they have been to relaxed with O but this time she has taken it to far. She said dd1 has alot of friends and is always picked first in games etc.. (all the children like sitting with dd), she said this has to be delt with ASAP as she doesn't want dd thinking nobody likes her. As for the eating she said dd doesn't eat much as she is too busy chatting to her friends, i told the teacher about her eating problems and she said she will make sure dd gets extra help at lunch time (someone to prompt her to eat). She suggested if it doesn't get better i should talk to our GP.

She then phoned O's mother. O's mother then phoned me to apoligise for O's behaviour, she said i did the rite thing by phoning the school as she is having problems getting through to O herself. She then made O apolagise to mo on the phone but wouldnt let her talk to dd1 as she would get upset, O then started screeming down the phone . She is going to say sorry to dd in the morning. O and her parents have a meeting with the school on monday as she has upet another child as well as dd1.

have a nice glass of wine tonight and relax.

school will be ok - but you will need to keep prompting them until they know dd well enough to make decisions themselves...

hope school manage to sort out o's problems too. so difficult when they are all developing their own personalities and stray outside of the boundaries...

good luck with the lunch thing x

Thanks Romy, hopefuly tommorrow will be a better day.

I hope O gets the help she needs too.

Dd has eaten some pizza and chips and is now asking for chocolate .

O's mother said she is having trouble socialising with more than one child at once and she's being rough with other children. .

Not that it helps O's mum but at least you know now that O is just picking on your dd because of her SN.

Gosh - the school are very on the case for you, that must be reassuring?

Just a side note really ... but has 'O' been assessed?! I was thinking when reading your posts that her behaviour is not typical of a 5-year-old girl. Dd is 6 and has encountered her fair share of less pleasant girl behaviour but never anything so markedly like bullying at this age. It sounds to me like 'O' has the problem, not your dd, as your dd has friend and chats at lunchtime and 'O' seems to be doing nothing but making enemies.