Self-esteem in 6-year-olds

[imaginaryfriend]

My dd's seems to be flagging. She's in Y1 and doing well academically but said to me the other day that 'it's like I'm invisible' because she doesn't get her name on the achievement board, she's never had an achievement award nor been chosen to have a role in a play.

The trouble is I can kind of see why. She's very much a 'shrinking violet', she never puts herself forwards for anything and she's so shy that perhaps the teacher thinks she doesn't want the attention. That's partly true but I know she would deeply love to feel like a 'chosen one' sometimes.

It's like she's never bad enough nor good enough to be noticed. But I don't think she's mediocre, some kids have to be of course, I think she's got great talents that perhaps get missed in the busy classroom.

Aw she sounds lovely. Could you have a quiet word with the teacher to see if she could actively be chosen for something like a role in a play.

Ds 3 is like this and doesn't put himself forward but improves greatly when he has to do something in front of the class.

The teacher might not realise she would love it.

Yes, I suspect people might think dd would hate it but in fact I think it would boost her confidence hugely. We've got a parents' evening this week and I might bring it up.

Have a quiet word with the teracher IF. The teacher won't mind IME.

Had a similar conversion witht he teachers at DD's school last week (not about DD but in general) when I was there helping out - came up as I was that child at school, the invisible one. They agreed it can sometimes be easy to miss them and it is good sometimes to have a heads up from someone outside of the classroom as they can't always see who is missed out, esp if that child is very quiet and doesn't voice their feelings.

I would have a word with her teacher without her in the room so as not to embarrass her. I would have a chat at a time when she is relaxed about who is the cleverest in her class, who can write really well, who's the best friend/nicest child, who would she most like to be like in her class...these sorts of questions. It's very revealing. My ds 1 thinks he's fab and doesn't really have any self esteem issues but he does know his writing isn't great and that 'the girls colour in better than me'. It's meant I know where he thinks he is and we are working on the colouring at home

Hula and Muppet, I am planning on raising it at parents' evening next week.

I can imagine how there can be an 'invisible' child in a large class with only 1 teacher and a TA. The teacher probably relies on there being some quieter ones who just get on with things and don't demand anything. And I'm glad dd's like that, I'm proud of her. But she does need encouragement too. She might seem a lot more self-sufficient than she is.

As for asking her who is the most clever in her class etc., we talk about those kind of things a lot. Unfortunately for dd she's in a very high achieving group and although she's doing well in her own right, the rest of the group usually surpass her abilities and she's aware of that. I find it hard to get her to imagine that she does anything 'better' than anyone else.

Getting an 'achievement' award is becoming a minor obsession with her at the moment especially when in assembley today two awards were given out - one to one of her close friends and another to a girl who has been very problematic with dd, pinching and shouting at her. She just couldn't understand why that girl got an award and she hasn't. I explained how it works, that awards are given to children who have made a significant progression and perhaps this girl needs encouragement too but that's hard for a 6-year-old to take in.

If she just got a small role in the Christmas play, even an instrument to bash rather than being one of the ones on the side it would make a huge difference to her.

Do not all the children take part in the Christmas play? That would be a shame.

They're all involved in the singing part but probably 6 get 'roles', 4 get to narrate, and 10 or so get instruments to bash. So far dd's always been in the remaining 10 who don't get anything at all other than the singing.

Hi, IF

Can you consider Stagecoach or similar? I can't begin to tell you how it has helped dd, I think we have spoken before about it....

We did speak about it before I remember dinny. We don't have a class for dd's age group close to us plus it's rather too much money for us at this point in time. She's been doing a drama club at school though but when I've peeked in she's mostly daydreaming through it! The same thing seems to happen there - the more feisty kids get to do the interesting stuff and dd just doesn't offer herself up so I guess people assume she'd rather be in the background.

oh, that is a shame as it is AMAZING for confidence boosting as they kind of nurture everyone equally...

um, what about something else - what does she enjoy out of school? swimming, art....

I just think praising her and encouraging her are the best thing you can do, and her confidence will grow (dd's year is really highly able, like your dd's, but dd has started coming into her own this year (2)

You should definitely raise this with the teacher, and if you have parents evening coming up you have the ideal reason.

She loves swimming and has been going since she was 4-years-old to lessons. She's a fabulous artist and spends a lot of time drawing.

But what she really likes best of all is role play. And clowning about. She has a couple of lovely close friends who she's known since she was a baby, neither in her class at school unfortunately, who she pretends with, draws with, chats to and generally has a lot of giggles with. And that's her passion, seeing one or other of these friends and being a loony.

I will raise it with the teacher though, just got to find the right words.

it's gutting, isn't it, thinking they are overlooked, but as they get older their talents will shine....and the loud confident ones won't necessarily be those noticed any more

but do speak to the teacher too - when is PE?

Tuesday.

It's gutting to me because I know how dd thrives when someone praises her. She really needs to feel she's doing well and when it seems to her that everyone around her is receiving accolades and she isn't her tendency is to think she's rubbish. I wish I could boost her confidence.

Parents' evening tomorrow. Any final words of wisdom for me?

Have similar issues with Ds1 at times. Tbh I think whilst it's a good idea to discuss it with the teacher I wouldn't hold your breath for any real change in how the school deals with your dd.

My ds1 is 7 and in year two and I've a few chats with him recently about not getting awards when he sees other kids (who often he feels are less deserving) receive them. I have told him that whilst it's lovcely to get these type of things, it's not what really counts. If he knows he's done his best, etc. etc. and if he knowws in his heart how well he tries he should be proud of himself and it shouldn't take anybody else to tell him how well he's done. I keep emphasising that he should judge himself, not wait for praise from others and he seems to understand.

I've lost count of how many time he's scored more goals than any other boy or done soemthing really kind for a friend yet not received praise from the adults in charge.

Trying to teach your daughter to value herself rather than wait for others to praise her is the best way forward.

cissy I don't think dd does particularly esteem herself through the eyes of others. But I do think children have a strong sense of 'fairness' and 'justice' and I think she knows it's just not fair for her to get no reward when she's done something that normally gets rewarded.

You're probably right that talking to the teacher might not help but even a tiny nudge which leads to a tiny recognition would mean the world to dd right now.

My ds1 is exactly the same. He has a really strong sence of justice and he knows when he has performed really well and therefore how unfair it is when others are rewarded.

I'm not saying that your dd only feels worthy when praised by others. I'm simply saying that I've tried to play down the importance of these types of things with ds1 and it seems to have been beneficial, and I've not seen him try any less hard when not valuing these things as much as he used to.

I feel that certain children will be waiting forever if it's medals, certificates, player of the day they are waiting for and it's unfair.

If she's shy why not enrol her in drama or martial arts classes. They may help her to come out of her shell.

Cissy, she does swimming, a drama class at school and a singing class. She enjoys them all but she does them all in a pretty reserved fashion, I can't say she shines in any of them.

I had a good chat to the teacher though. She was totally honest and said that dd doesn't get speaking roles because she is so quiet. She said they have to choose people with a louder speaking voice. The volume of dd's voice in class has been an issue since YR, she even does her reading sessions one-on-one in a very quiet voice. I can see the teacher's point on that to be honest. You can't have a narrator that nobody can hear!

I didn't really get an awful lot else out of the parents' evening. Teacher said that all children will get an achievement award at some point and that they give them out when someone does something that makes them think 'wow'. Dd is probably more of the slow and steady rather than 'wow' quality.

But I'm really happy with other things the teacher said. She had big praise for dd's art skills, attention to detail and observation. She praised her reading too and especially her reading comprehension which she said was the best in her group!

She sounds great IF. I think she'll be just fine.