So, how DO friendships work in Reception?

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Can someone tell me about interpersonal relationships between kids in Reception year? Do they make friends differently to older kids? Do they even HAVE friends as such?

Just wondering, as I was a bit this evening when DS1 told me at bedtime that the little girl who he'd been very friendly with for the last few weeks "was trying to break friends with him". He explained that "she wants to play with other girls and they just walk around". I gently asked if he played with anyone else instead and he said he didn't - he just wanders around, "looking for things" (like conkers and stuff).

I just have this image of him wandering around looking lost and lonely whilst everyone else has got into their little groups or whatever.

He knows a number of kids in his class already from nursery, and when he first started school, they'd kind of hang around together, as well as all making friends with the other kids they didn't know. Then DS1 suddenly clicked with this little girl and according to the teacher (and the girl's mum), they were inseparable. Now, all of a sudden, she understandably has taken an interest in mixing more with the other girls at playtime, but I'm worried it has made my son feel a bit lost, if he's really only been playing just with her up until now.

He did seem a bit sad about it. He is a lovely, sensitive, bright little boy who is not too keen on rough and tumble type games with other boys in the playground (although happy enough to fight with his younger brother at home!). He absolutely LOVES playing football, which would keep him occupied at playtime, but apparently there are none around at playtime (I thought there would be - or don'[t they allow games of footie in the playground when they're young for some reason?).

Is this all normal? Am i just worrying over nothing? PFB and all that......? I think I'll have to ask him who he's sitting with at lunchtimes as up until now it's always been with this little girl. Am imagining him sitting on his own now.......

for him. In our school I think the MSAs would make an effort to involve him with other kids and not let him be alone (I would anyway). Poor little thing. Maybe have a quiet word with his teacher to see how he gets on at other playtimes too, then she can maybe help him get involved with others.

Bloody awful sending them out to the real life that is school isn't it?

Oh it's heartwrenching isn't it. Thinking your DC might not have any friends. I really feel for you as i remember that stomach ripping feeling very well.

You need to talk to the teacher about it. I've done that a few times, and whilst on occasions I've felt I'm being brushed off, it is kind of reassuring and you do need to flag it up - highly unlikely that there is a problem though, IME children this age play with all sorts of people without having a "best friend" as such.

Shame they don't allow footballs.

Riallybig, I wonder if his teacher HAS noticed that they've been getting too close (not in a bad way, I just mean in a way that might hinder them both branching out making other friendships), as he also said that when the teacher calls his name out to do work, she doens't call his friend's name out. I'm assuming he means that whereas up until now, they were in each other's little work group, and maybe now the teacher is mixing the groups up a little bit so she's in a different group to him now or something. (or maybe that happens anyway each half-term, I don't know.)

I know, it's awful......he has always been quite popular, although fairly quiet, just like I was as a child, but it was a few years till I found my niche regarding social circles at school, and I too remember just wandering around at playtime in the infants', wanting to find someone I could be really good friends with. (I think I played with older kids actually, for the first couple of years, as opposed to people from my own peer group). The thing was, unlike DS, I had plenty of friends from the street where I lived, so wasn't short of friends in general, I just found it hard at first to make good friends at school. And I just imagine it being like that for him and want to protect him from it! Not possible, of course, he has to find his own way.....but it's hard.

Pea, I think I will gently question him a bit more about it all, and if he does seem sad about it, I'll speak to the teacher about it. I'm sure she'll sympathise, as at parents' evening, she seemed to think it was very sweet the way the pair of them hung round together. Thanks.

it is hard. even with DS1 (11), sometimes Ijust want to whisk him awy and wrap him in cotton wool

No-one ever tells you it will be like this.

Good luck to you and DS.

my DS has just started reception and attached himself very firmly to a lovely little girl, who is the throes of abandoning him for the other girls!!! It happens, and he does have other friends (mostly boys) who he plays very happily with, he just doesn't give their names up quite as easily! Last week I was fretting about it, this week it's all a bit better...hang in there!

Dd1's best friend at nursery was a little boy and now, in Reception, they are still good friends, but their twosome has extended to include two other little girls.

Tbh, I have the opposite worry, that dd1's very much adored little male friend will succumb to the lure of chasing-games with the other boys. She would be gutted.

I think their relationships are very fluid at this age though. How big is your ds' school? Dd's is big (3 form entry), so if one friendship goes belly-up there are plenty more four-year-old fish in the sea.

I second talking to the teacher and asking if an eye can be kept on him at breaktimes to make sure he isn't lonely .

(Ball games seem to be banned in the Reception playground here too.)

Curly, I think with little ones friendships can be quite random -- based on eg. happening to sit next to each other at lunch, be best mates for three days and then drift off to pastures new without ever actually falling out as such.

Which is fine if both kids are in the same place at the same time, but can be upsetting if they're out of synch, eg. Child A walks off with a new friend, all happy as larry while Child B is left behind broken-hearted and wondering what he/she has done wrong.

Depends a bit on the child's personality, too -- my dd2 is almost pathologically outgoing and very thick-skinned. There's one child in her Reception class she thinks is her friend. Whereas actually the supposed friend is actively avoiding dd2, I think because she finds her style a bit in-yer-face (and she has a point). In fact the supposed friend had a bigg-ish birthday party recently to which most of the other children in the class were invited but dd2 wasn't. Which I think was a bit off of the parents, but I'm not going to lose sleep over it.

It does generally settle down later on, as they start making proper friendships based on genuine shared interests rather than just randomly happening to have sat next to each other on the bus to school. It is difficult if your child is quite shy you can help by being brazen and inviting any potential playmates (girls or boys) to your house after school one day (scores you brownie points with the other kids' mums as well, this does). And also by encouraging your child to play with lots of different children, even in other years or classes, rather than trying to make a best friend. The one best friend scenario is always going to make your child vulnerable to the ebb and flow of playground politics you need to encourage him to be on good chatting terms with as many other children as possible, really.

And yes, some schools do ban or restrict playground football as it can take over the playground to the exclusion of any non-footballers. Could you encourage your ds to look for another football-loving child (maybe he can take a sticker book or similar in to attract interest from other boys) and maybe you could meet up with a likely other footballer and his mum in the park after school?

I wouldn't interrogate him about who he sits with -- he won't be sitting on his own anyway, they're usually packed in like sardines in school lunch rooms. Get him to talk about who the other kids in his year are, start to get a feel for other like-minded souls and then be proactive about organising things.

Good luck!

Our infant teachers actively encourage the children to have a wide social circle. So the friends can change every playtime or after a week or more, they might play on their own occasionally or play with a much older child.

I think in the long term, this breaking of friends will be better for your DS as he will be free to mix more. It's still very early days at school and I'm sure he'll soon find his feet and make more friends.

Only got a minute or two - really must go to bed as likely I'll be up most of the night with poorly DS2 (and coughing, poorly DH!).

But just to say thanks everyone for your replies. I also forgot to say that finding a like-minded male friend from his own class could potentially be difficult for my DS as there are twice as many girls as boys in the class for some reason! It's 3 classes of 30 in the year, though, so thinking about it - yes, I'm sure there'll be other like-minded kids in the playground he could join in with, it's just a matter of finding them, isn't it, I suppose. Hence his "wandering"! Really, I suppose I hope he does just make a small circle of trusted friends rather than one best friend, precisely because of what's happened with his little girl friend.

Plus3 - thanks for the reassurance, very grateful.

Friendships can take time. We all hope our kids will go to school and immediately have a circle of friends who will be kind to them, etc. but that comes easier for some than others.

It could be that there is peer pressure from the other girls in the class for your son's friend to spend more time with them - I always find it a bit sad how quickly friendships groups split along gender lines. If your son likes this little girl maybe you could have her to play after school? You might find that they still get on wonderfully without outside pressure. Other than that, is there anyone else your son has talked about that you could invite over? It can be easier sometimes for quieter children to form their friendships away from the distractions of the playground.

Just a quick update. He very nearly ended up not going to school today as I thought he might be coming down with same virus afflicting poor DH and DS2 (who were awake half the night, and whose noises woke up DS1 who then couldn't get back to sleep.)

I was just about to dial school's number when he said "Stop - I want to go in". We then had a quick chat and it seems he's having a bit of a wobble over lunchtime playtimes now - he said he "doesn't like sitting on the wall in the playground where you can sit if you are tired". He said he'd prefer to have lunch at home. didn't have time to elaborate but I'm kind of guessing that is where he sits when he's wondering what to do/who to play with and he feels a bit sad there or something.

I told him that if he is worrying about ANYTHING to do with school then he should tell me and we will sort it out together with the help of his teachers, and he looked a bit happier about that. The school seems to have quite a supportive, caring ethos about it, so I do think they would be supportive if I explained that his problems at lunchtime are putting him off coming to school. Who knows, maybe he IS coming down with this virus and it's making him extra sensitive to this kind of stuff?

Anyway, he went into school fine, not crying or anything, and I've just been sitting here looking after poorly DS2 and fretting a bit over DS1.

Sunnydelight - I hadn't considered the possibility that this little girl is acting on peer pressure to join in with the other girls. I don't imagine it might be the case here though, as, the way DS1 describes it, the way they became good friends in the first place was by her "bugging him" and following him round wanting to play with him, almost like she was stalking him or something! A few days later they were best buddies. So I think she has firm ideas on who she wants to be friends with.

I think I DO need to invite people over after school, yes. Already been to a couple of other mums' houses after school, so I suppose it's my "turn" anyway. Will see if there's anyone in particular he wants to ask. Apparently, this little girl was very keen to come to play before half term, according to her mum, but timing wasn't good - DS2 and me ill again, so I kind of missed the boat with that one. Her mum is new to the area and doesn't live far so would probably be pleased to come round too.

Thanks for your posts, everyone. It makes me very to realise that everyone understands my worries and doesn't just dismiss it as just one of those things you have to let them get on with.