if your 5 yo was sent to the head, should you expect the school to tell you?

[wtfhashappened]

DS was sent to the head teacher yesterday for allegedly smearing poo on the toilet walls. I am sure he wouldn't do it, as he is disgusted by poo and always spends ages washing his hands after he's been, but he is quite a reserved character and could quite have easily not told me, just good luck that we had a quiet hour together yesterday just the two of us. He's only in reception and being sent to the head is quite a big deal for him - should the school have told me, or does that kind of thing become unwieldy?

My school don't tell me - and ds has been a few times!

No! Parents don't need to micromanage the school. (not commenting on your particular circumstances, just your thread title).

is it micromanaging though to want to be aware if your child has been in trouble? Surely another POV could be that if I knew about it I could ensure continuity of response at home?

er yes.... in this case, for this incident I would want to know about it.
As you say, you think it's unlikely it's your child. So I would want to know what was said and how it was handled.
Playground misdemeanour and incidents no.
In fact ds2 was sent to head for the first time this week for playing on the playground apparatus at the end of school. He knew he shouldn't. I think he wanted me to intervene which is why he told me. I told him I agreed with Head..so he missed playtime.

I think that's my issue with this - we are required to support the school in a myriad of ways, and yet aren't given the whole picture about discpline etc.

If you need to do something at home in order to be consistent with the school's response, they will soon let you know.

If it's a school-only issue, they will handle it in-house, unless the child doesn't comply, and then will seek your help.

I think it depends why.

I do think that as parents we seem to have this need to know about everything that happens to our children and when and where and why, when in reality if the teachers/head spoke to every parent every time a child had been naughty they would spend more time talking to parents than educating our children. If a school has dealt with an incident satisfactorily then IMO there's no need to involve the parents too. The only exception to this for me would be repeat offending, or things that were serious ie bullying/serious violence etc.

Also, I would be careful not to just assume that your child couldn't have done it, as children often behave differently when out of the home/in the company of others than they do for their parents. But often it takes our children actually doing something which for us is out of the ordinary to realize that.

What would you have done with the information if you had it? Told him off (unnecessary if the school has already dealt with it)? Supervise him extra closely in the bathroom? Gone to speak to the head about it? I think you are probably more bothered about it than he is - I am sure the head was gentle but firm.

Good posts, WB and TPL

Really, I wanted to know their side of the story, as his was incomplete, and far from presuming he is automatically innocent, in the case concerned I really think he was - but if it was hitting or pushing, I would be fairly sure that he had instigated it. Ultimately, I would want to be able to back up the head, like another poster said - for example, when he said ' the head spoke to me about such and such', and I knew what had happened and how it was dealt with, I could have explained why - so I guess this is why I wanted the info. This is not a me v the school thing, but wanting to know what had happened so there would be consistency at home as well: not for secondary punishment if the school were satisfied, but so that if he said 'such and such happened and it wasn't fair,' I could have reiterated whatever the head said. It may have been handled to the school's satisfaction, but it clearly wasn't to his, and that is why as it has been brought home and is an issue to him I would like to have been fully informed about the situation so that I could make an informed response back to him when he was talking about it to me. I fail to see why that makes me a micromanaging parent.

and, TPL, he was extremely bothered about it, and still is. Hence the OP.

I would want to know about this, wtf. I don't think you are being unreasonable. He is 5. You are his parent. That's it.

Thanks TWC - I deliberately didn't post in AIBU as I didn't want loads of YABU responses when it wasn't that much of an ego issue. I am genuinely trying to sort out this in my head so that I know what to do after half term.

If the school is happy they have dealt with it, it is fine- if they thought it was a big problem they would tell you.

i would want to know, as i would want to decide if there was an issue that i , as the parent, needed to know about, and to back up at home with any further consequences. surely being sent to the head is a big deal in terms of shcool discipline?

I would def expect to know, esp if only in reception.

Being sent to the head no big deal these days- not like it used to be.

i would personally want to know as i too have a ds who being the youngest in year one - august birthday - is often in trouble for minor things eg standing when meant to be sitting, not sitting still in assembly. I always find out because it would appear my school deal out the punishments without finding out the cause i.e ds was standing as he was going to put this work in the finished tray, he was squirming in assembly as the child behind was pinching his back. I do understand that he isnt totally innocent always, but i dont want him "labelled" as naughty when unfortunalty he is a "sheep" and copies the others - and then is the one who gets caught

Personally, I think you risk blowing the punishment out of proportion if you insist on going in and discussing every instance with the teacher; it can give the child the impression that being disciplined is a lot more serious than it was intended to be- and in consenquence that they are a lot naughtier than they thought they were.

I expect my dc's school to deal with minor incidents without anyone getting very upset. If there is any serious or ongoing problem, I'd expect to be involved.

I know ds has been disciplined on occasion for talking in class, but I never felt that meant he was "labelled". Though to be fair, you wouldn't need to stick a label on him to see that he's a little chatterbox.

Normally, I would not expect the school to inform parents. But in this case, as it's a serious incident, I think tey should have told you.

I can understand people wanting to know if their dc has been sent to the Head/in trouble at school, but my ds's primary school explained to me that they preferred to deal with some things 'in house' so the child didn't get in more trouble at home.

I would want to know if it was my child. Dd's school let us know evrything, if dd has fallen over, if she has been upset or in trouble, but sometimes it can be the next day before they tell you.