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Would you be concerned?

16 replies

snackattack · 15/10/2008 19:03

If your dd (just started reception) and had been as happy as larry for the first 4 or 5 weeks, suddenly comes home in a right old strop and teary. Tells you that a girl has hit her at school and she "can't stop thinking about it".... So, I write to the school in the message book as per instructions at beginning of term - a nice note saying dd is a little upset and could they keep an eye on her... My friend whose dd is at the same school knows the girl in question as her dd was bullied by her in nursery (my dd didn't go to that nursery)... apparently the teachers are well aware that this little girl can be a little rough to say the least.... Tonight I get a long-ish note in the diary saying that the episode in question was "not as bad as X is saying" and saying that my dd was not in a good mood that afternoon anyway and the teacher had had to speak to her a couple of times to get her attention.....and that the incident in question was an argument over a book that both girls wanted and they both slapped one another's hands and "neither seemed upset at the time"... In other words, I feel they are blaming my dd's bad mood rather than saying that it was just a tiff between the two with both sides taking part (which is how I read it). My dd is quite sensitive so I can only imagine she would probably be more upset than most kids about a relatively minor incident but I'm a bit peeved that there was no mention of this girl being in a bad mood or in any way contributing towards the argument.

I do know this is petty but I'm just a bit peed off that they saw the incident, made an incorrect assumption that my dd was not upset by it, made another assumption that as she was grumpy it was her fault and that's that..... or am I being over-sensitive here?

I'm about to go and "respond" in the diary so need some sensible thoughts on this without the emotional input that I seem incapable of leaving out!!

Sorry for rambling.....

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/10/2008 19:05

God why do you need a diary to air your concerns over bullying?
Arrange to go in and see them in person.

peanutbutterkid · 15/10/2008 19:06

You weren't there, there are 2 sides in every dispute (usually 2 contributors). I would try to speak to the teacher IN PERSON to clarify what happened, so that you can work together to help prevent it (even if it's only to teach your DD to ignore annoying classmates).

soultaken · 15/10/2008 19:07

I don't think there's any point responding to be honest, it will just escalate things needlessly.

You've sent in a note and it's been seen to and dealt with.

Cammelia · 15/10/2008 19:07

Agree. I wouldn't write stuff, I would talk directly to the teacher. Quickest way to clear it up.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 15/10/2008 19:08

I wouldn't write in the diary. I would go in and talk to the teacher or let it go.

debs40 · 15/10/2008 19:09


I got in to a situation last year with my school with notes being passed in books and it winds everyone up.

It is hard because teachers are not always accessible and you can feel like you're being a nuisance (hence the notes) but I would try and go and see your daughter's teacher as things are often resolved face to face and that way the teacher can see how concerned you are.

It's worth noting that the teacher is not likely to make any comment on the other girl's behaviour/bad mood etc unless she felt that the other girl was to blame.

Also, teachers do not see everything and are fire fighting most of the time and my experience is that what seems major to us and our children can be a storm in a teacup to them

snackattack · 15/10/2008 19:12

We have "communication diaries" and we are encouraged to use them during the week and put in anything that the teacher needs to know or should know. I will arrange to see the teacher but I'm probably over-reacting. It's easy to think the worst of this other child because I know she's bullied in the past....but it's equally very unusual for my child to be upset like she was - I've never known it before....

OP posts:
compo · 15/10/2008 19:18

be very careful
my ds' book bag had someone else's book in it the other day
it's just a reading diary but your book could get mixed up with the girl's in question

bigscaryorangespiderami · 15/10/2008 19:19

To be fair, you were not there. Perhaps your dd was in a bad mood because she is overtired. She has been in reception only 5 weeks - it is exhausting for them! So perhaps she, due to her being overtired, got into an argument over a book with the other girl. And likewise, due to her being overtired, is overly upset about the 'argument'.
I also don't think it is fair to automatically make the other girl a scapegoat. Yes she may not always have been nice in nursery but that does not mean she is to blame for every incident which happens in reception.

I would not take it any further. There is nothing to be gained from it.

bigscaryorangespiderami · 15/10/2008 19:21

I also don't think you can say that a nursery child - a 4 year old - 'has bullied in the past'.
4 year old say adn do unkind things without thinking them through. That is just them being 4. Bullying is when a child deliberately teases another to cause hurt.

Please think about how you are labelling this other child.

MollieO · 15/10/2008 22:26

If it is the first time I would have let it go. Bad behaviour is not the same as bullying. Bullying imo is where one child targets another repeatedly. I don't think a 4 yr old is capable of bullying.

critterjitter · 15/10/2008 23:19

I'd want to know why the teacher hadn't initiated contact with you regarding your daughter's alleged behaviour, IF it was as poor as she is making out (she said she had had to speak to her twice etc.)

Why did she only tell you about this once you had contacted her about this other girl's behaviour? It would suggest that she wouldn't have told you otherwise: which would make me very suspect about her motives for telling you this.......

seeker · 16/10/2008 06:45

To be honest, if a reception teacher talked to the parents every time two 4 year olds had a spat over a book or a toy, she'd be talking to practically every parent practically every day!

Maybe your dd was in a bad mood - it's getting to the end of term and a lot of then have had enough by now. I think it's really important not to take on face value everything our children tell us about what happened at school, and also not to listen too closely to what other parents say about other children!

i would put this down to experience - but I would also echo what others have said that it's better to have a quick word with the teacher about this sort of thing than get into an exchange of notes.

Apart from anything else, the teacher can't really put in writing to you anything about the other child's behaviour, but face to face she might be able to say something like "well, there were both in a bit of a grotty mood that afternoon" or something like that.

forevercleaning · 16/10/2008 06:53

I think you will find that these things do happen from time to time with all children.

The best thing to do is to let it go for the moment. If there becomes a pattern with this same child, and she does this to your DD again, I would go in and speak face to face with the teacher.

You can say you let it go last time, but now there is a real possibility that your DD is being picked on by one child and you would like to see something done about it.

It is coming up for the hols and they are probably all getting rather tired and the excitement of starting school is wearing off. They are only tiny dots (bless them!) and sometimes it just all gets a bit much. I'm sure you will find things settle down after a half term break.

snackattack · 16/10/2008 08:52

Thank you everyone, for words of wisdom. I take on board what all of you said and I've not written anything else in the diary. I'm moving on!! Thanks once again. This board is great!!

OP posts:
Bucharest · 16/10/2008 08:56

Agree with the others, but I do feel for you! Hope your dd gets over it quickly!xx

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