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Primary education

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Original poster

Appointment With Head About Child in DS's Class. (long)

29 replies

gscrym · 07/10/2008 11:38

We've had issues with a boy in DS's class since ds started school. DS is in P2. There's been instances of threats ranging from 'I'm going to punch you' to 'my mum's going to beat up your mum' and the more sinister 'my brother's going to get you when you're sleeping'. This child has also been picking on some of DS's friends. Last year, I spoke to the school on the occasions where DS had spoken to us. I also wrote to the school about it and was told they would monitor the situation. I hadn't heard anymore so thought it had been dealt with.

DS has been coming home again saying this child is hurting him. Last week, he hit him in the throat and another day punched him in the groin. The throat thing was playing and the punch was because he got angry at DS for not putting his coat on to go outside. Yeterday, after being off, he kicked 1 of DS's friends and when DS told a playground monitor, the boy got him on the ground. One of DS's friends pulled him off, then got kicked himself for his trouble.

I wrote to the school again about the first 2 instances but now DS has a new teacher. I spoke to the head and made an appointmemnt to see her.

After this long ramble, (thank you for staying with me), what sort of things can I suggest? I don't know if this boy has any behavioural problems but I'm sick of DS getting picked on. I need to know that the school will take me seriously and not palm me off. DH has suggested that if it doesn't change, we should move DS to another school and get the education authority involved. DS loves his school and I don't see why he should suffer.

Thank you again if you made it all the way through this.

OP posts:
rosbif · 07/10/2008 11:40

Just wanted to wish you the best of luck, you must be very concerned, I am sure it will get resolved very soon

Original poster
gscrym · 07/10/2008 11:40

Meant to say, there were instances of this boy hitting mine and other children last year.

OP posts:
Original poster
gscrym · 07/10/2008 11:42

The thing that worries me is that the school aren't telling me about all these occasions, I'm hearing it from the parents of DS's friends. DS also thinks that nothing matters, all that'll happen is the boy gets his traffic light chamged. It goes back to green everyday so it's not really a huge issue.

OP posts:
SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 07/10/2008 11:44

I don't suppose suggesting karate classes for your ds so that he can kick this bullies behind woudl go down well would it? (must remember not to encourage violence in children)

I'm only joking of course. But karate is a great confidence builder and bullies tend to pick on thos ewith low confidence so maybe it might prevent it happenning again.

For the meeting could you suggest that you all sit down together (yourself, your dh, your ds and their family) with a teacher to try and get to the bottom of what is causing this?

Good luck with it.

Original poster
gscrym · 07/10/2008 11:48

DS did taekwando most of last year. I'll give you a couple of things this boys does.

Knocks pencil off desk, child bends down to get it, boy smacks childs other hand.

Waits till someone is rady to sit down and pulls chair from under them.

Holds door open and slams it just as someone walks through. Says it was an accident.

Backs kids into a corner and tells them that no-one can see them if he does anything. He told DS he was going to torture him.

Sinister isn't he. He's 6.

OP posts:
Ohforfoxsake · 07/10/2008 11:53

Sorry to hear you and your DS are going through this. I've no direct experience of it myself, but I think each school has an anti-bullying policy which should lay down the procedures and steps the school take to deal with bullying. It might be wise to request this so you can look at it before the meeting. If the school has a website it might be on there.

If the school does not adhere to its policy, then you can get the LEA involved, and write to the Governors. I'm sort of speaking off the top of my head here, but if you do a search there's loads of threads which might be useful to you.

I'd also suggest keeping a diary of incidents and any notes, just to keep your thoughts straight during the meeting.

Can't think of anything else, but hope that helps. Good luck, hope you get it sorted.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 07/10/2008 11:53

I don't like that he is saying "no one can see" etc. It seems suspicious to me. I think there maybe more to this. Is there anyway that you could suggest the school offer him councilling?

At that age they copy behaviors learned at home or off tv. I don't think 6 year olds are capable of being deliberately evil. Though it seems like they are a lot of the time.

AMumInScotland · 07/10/2008 11:54

He sounds like a very troubled child But that doesn't mean that everyone else has to suffer - the school need to put things in place to stop him from making other children miserable. Hopefully they will also be trying to get him some help from SS to deal with the longer term as well.

Original poster
gscrym · 07/10/2008 11:58

It just seems so calculated to me. I don't have any other child experience than DS. I know he's not a little angel but I don't think he would do any of the stuff this other boy has.

Seashells - I agree about them not being evil but what does a 6 year old get to watch that would introduce them to torture. MAybe I'm just a bit strict or naive in what I allow DS to watch. I've stopped him watching Power Rangers because he kept trying to copy them.

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ja9 · 07/10/2008 12:02

gscrym so sorry to hear this. do let us know how you get on with the head. fwiw and imo the school will be as 'fed up' with him as you are... children like this really disrupt learning and teaching, and that's not fair on the others...

AMumInScotland · 07/10/2008 12:04

Unfortunately not all parents are as careful about what their children watch - some may have older siblings, or uncles etc who think it's fine to let them watch 18 films, and the child can't deal with it and acts out in real life. Hurting and scaring other people can also be a way of lashing out when someone bigger is hurting you and you have no power to stop it.

MollieO · 07/10/2008 12:06

Does this child have older brothers? He may be picked on by them and be seeking to carry out the same type of threats and behaviour he experiences at home.

What a nightmare for you. I think it up to the school to suggest ways of sorting out this problem. If they don't properly address it then it may be worth speaking to the parents of other children who are picked on in the class by this child.

A friend's ds was being bullied but the school didn't take it seriously until a number of other parents complained about the same child.

GooseyLoosey · 07/10/2008 12:11

DS was subject to some "bullying" type behaviour in reception last year (yr 4 boys dragged him behind a shed and wouldn't let him go and said they were going to shave his head).

He was scared by it and dh and I asked what the school's bullying strategy was. We talked to ds's teacher and the head and the anti-bullying policy was implemented and involved things such as public apologies and talks to the offenders from the head.

Ironically, with the benefit of hindsight, I wish we had focused more on teaching ds how to deal with these boys himself as of course now he wants to be friends with him and they want nothing to do with him!

Original poster
gscrym · 07/10/2008 12:14

JA9, lovely to see you, hope you're well.

Thanks everyone for all the suggestions. I'm going to sit down with DS and explain to him that I have to speak to the head and if there's anything else going on, to let me know.

The boy has a big brother. He's been mentioned in a few threats. Seems like he kind off hero worships him. I speak to the other parents regularly. They keep me informed and I do the same with them as sometimes kids don't always metion things. As DS says 'it fell out my head mum'.

OP posts:
chapeloffearstickchick · 07/10/2008 12:22

Regrdless of what issues this boy has they are not your sons problem - what is the problem is that this boy is clearly having difficulties at home whilst your ds who may well have his own problems at home is also having to cope with being the brunt of this boys anger - this is not acceptable.

School wont divulge any of this boys 'needs' to you but may well hint at situations -do not fall for it,your ds is not to be someones punch bg for their bad day.

I would go with the attitude this this and this hs happened you know it hs there is no reasonble explanation for this boy hurting your son and now as a parent you want this behaviour stopped ,green light systems are for children who act accordingly - bullies dont and this needs to be stopped.

I would ask for a copy of the schools bullying policy and stand firm as to what can be the next step the wait and see approach will NOT work.

Do not allow this to become a tit for tat thing the head may well say well your ds sid xxxxx to xxxxx -that is not what this is about and playground banter does not equal bullying.

I would ask that your ds is told about 1 teacher to whom he must tell if he is threatened in anyway that way you cn speak to mrs xxxxx freuently you cant get fobbed off with oh the message did not get passed on etc etc and i think 1 person will find it harder to distort the truth.

YOUR ds is not choosing to be bullied this child has choice over who he bullies.

at the end of the meet ask for a future date to be arranged so u can discuss how things have worked out,hopefully it will blow over.

KEEP A RECORD OF EVERY INCIDENT FROM HERE ON IN.

CarGirl · 07/10/2008 12:25

I would keep a record of every incident and report it in writing to the head and the chair of governers it is much harder to ignore written complaints.

ja9 · 07/10/2008 12:37

MollieO - what happened then?

AMumInScotland · 07/10/2008 12:59

Yes, sorry if I sound like I'm concentrating on the other boy's problems - whatever they are, they are not an excuse for the school failing to deal with the bullying. If there are vague hints about his situation in the meeting, don't be fobbed off - the school should have clear policies for dealing with bullying, which they should be using.

MollieO · 07/10/2008 13:03

The bully was excluded and allowed to come back on the understanding if it happened again he would be permanently excluded. Slightly different as it was a fee paying school and apparently the parents of the bully were horrified when they found out about his behaviour.

School ignored it for too long imo and it was only a chance remark that my friend discovered that other children were being targeted and then got the parents together. School then realised that they could lose a number of very able children because of one bully.

StewieGriffinsMom · 07/10/2008 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ja9 · 07/10/2008 13:16

Ah but MollieO - it's much easier to get rid of bullies in private schools .

ja9 · 07/10/2008 13:17

IMO it is more than likely that this boy has a difficult home life

but the rest of the class have rights too.

handbagqueen · 07/10/2008 13:26

I would suggest you ask the head for the snti-bullying policy. Also the incidents your DS informed teachers of should be logged by the school and the action taken should also be logged - ask the head for a record of these. If they do not have them tell them you want all future incidents fully documented. Also get the chair of Govenors involved as they can put pressure on the school to take action and will need to be involved if they consider exclusion or suspension.

My SIL was messed around by her Ds's school for years while her poor DS was bullied, so you need to take firm action with the school and make sure you follow it up make a follow up appointment with the head in say 2 weeks to see what actions he/she has taken and the outcome.

Good luck with your meeting - remember be tough with the head, if you're nice they tend to ignore you as an over protective parent!

Original poster
gscrym · 09/10/2008 19:30

Had meeting with head today. DH came along aswell. She asked me to go through everything that had been going on, took notes of it all, dates and everything. She didn't know we had already spoken to the school on various occasions and sent in letters. She didn't try to fob us off at all. After hearing from us, she got DS out of his class and asked him what had been going on. After he told her everything he said 'the other boy is okay today, I've been helping him with his words'. Another thing that had came up was that yesterday, DS said this boy was now his friend. I asked how that happened. He said 'if I give him my pencils, he'll be nice to me'. I nearly cried. Then he told us the same boy had threatened to beat him up again.

Before she took DS back to his class she said sorry to him that this had happened and gave him a head-teacher award sticker. He was so pleased and I was choking back the tears. When she came back, she was so impressed by the fact that even though this boy had been horrible to DS, DS had still tried to help him.

Anyhoo, the way forward just now is she'll talk to the other boy and his family, the support staff are going to be watching him more closely. DS has been given a teacher that he can go too if anything else happens and we'll review it all in a month. I feel that this is a positive strategy but will see how things go. It also turns out this boy has now started on another child with the same things as he started with DS.

Thanks for staying with all that. And also thank you for all the kind and supportive things you all said.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 09/10/2008 19:54

Oh I'm glad that they're taking it seriously - obviously you still have to see how that goes in practice but at least they seem to be trying to resolve it.