How can I help DD (7) become less of a perfectionist and cut herself a bit of slack?

[sandyballs]

She's doing very well at school but she still doesn't seem to accept this. She feels this very strong need to be the best at everything, whether it is writing a story, doing maths, sport, everything really.

A recent example is her coming second in her school athletics and she came home with a trophy. I gave her lots of praise saying how brilliantly she had done and her response was 'I did ok but I could have done better and come first, it wasn't good enough'.

Part of me admires her drive and her attitude, the other part of me worries that she is never going to be happy in life as it is impossible to be great at everything.

God knows where she gets this from as I would have been thrilled to have come 10th at anything at school , and her dad is the same.

can we morph her with my DD who quite frankly doesn'yt give a flying?

sandy just realised my response might be interpreted as a bit glib. It's not, DD (also 7) is really not motivated at school at all. She loves going, but sees it as purely a vehicle for socilaising with her friends and having a good time.

I really wish she had a bit more drive, although I'm sure in your shoes I would share your concerns.

Don't worry HE i didn't see it as glib, it made me laugh as my other daughter sounds just like yours .

We had this with dd1, and 7 was the very worst time. It passes.

I would recommend getting her an activity that she finds slightly more difficult (for dd1 it was swimming and learning an instrument) and making her stick with it. Try to praise effort rather than achievement -- I used to slightly downplay praise for dd1's academic achievements because they came so easily to her, but was effusive over anything that involved actual effort, no matter how puny the result.

iirc 7 was the age at which I had the following conversation with dd1:

dd1: Everyone is better than me at swimming.
Frogs: Well everyone learns things at different rates, and some of them are much older than you.
Dd1: XX isn't older than me, and she's better than I am.
Frogs: Well you're probably better than her at other things.
Dd1: Well you're better at swimming than I am.
Frogs: Yeeeess, I'm 27 years older than you.
Dd1: Well God's better than I am.
Frogs:

It was also around that time that she had a three-hour meltdown on the beach because my mother had unwisely organised a sandcastle building competition, and dd1's effort was outclassed by her 14yo cousin's (predictably enough: well done, Mum).

Mum came back from the trip looking rather shell-shocked and said: 'I always thought you were exaggerating when you talked about her being a perfectionist, but I really do see what you mean!'

It does get better, with patience. Dd1 is now 13, still likes to do well (which is a good thing, on balance) but won't have a breakdown if someone else gets a few percentage points more than her in an exam.

Thanks Frogs, nice to hear she'll grow out of it.

Frogs - your conversation with your dd sounds just like my current one regarding ballet. She needs better 'core strength' so I have shown her some exercises and then get blasted for ''you're better than me''. Mind you, I wish my retort could be ''I'm 27 years older'' as that would reduce my age significantly .
I share your pain sandyballs - my dd just had sports day and she came 4th and 5th in her races.She succeeds in class as she is one of the brightest in her year so I tried the ''well we can't all be good at everything ''line but unfortunately her best friend won all her races and is also one of the brightest in the year. Cut no ice with dd at all and I'm still trying to come up with a positive spin.