I’m losing confidence in my sons primary school but is this just what it’s like?

[naturalstressor]

Ds is in Y1 and had a parents evening last week which wasn’t very encouraging and left me both worried and bewildered. The first time this happened, I worked hard with him to try to help him, but it doesn’t seem to be making much difference.

As well as this, I’m also concerned by the fact that a fairly serious incident wasn’t relayed to me at all. Communication is pretty much non existent and I feel as if I go in twice a year, am told my child is not doing very well and then nothing further until the next one.

I have another child who starts next year and I am really feeling a bit frustrated and fed up. I don’t know if anyone’s moved their child’s school and found it helped? I’m really reluctant to disrupt friendships and so on but at the same time I am really feeling a bit annoyed and exasperated with the situation as it is.

Schools often have different definitions of a fairly serious incident to parents. There are incidents they do have to tell parents about but some parents have unreasonable expectations (want to know each day how much food their dc ate type thing) so can’t advise on that without knowing what it was.

parents evenings and reports are to let you know how your dc is doing. If you want to follow up (eg my dc is not learning as expected) you can ask the teacher for a meeting.

in reception they usually have quite a lot of comms - tell you the reading scheme, which phonics scheme and the books sent home to read with that go in the reading diary.

what specifically are your concerns?

As above, really. I get told that he’s not achieving and a general sense of doom and pessimism but no ‘and this is how we’re trying to address it and these are the things you could try at home.’ Honestly, I feel like they’ve written him off.

I suppose my grumble is I get told nothing until parents evening which largely is a waste of time.

Ok, well the main focus in reception and year 1 is phonics plus a bit of maths.

so if you don’t know what phonics scheme they’re on and what reading scheme they use email in and ask.

beyond that the standard things to check are to do a hearing test (glue ear common at this age) and a vision test. If they are ok make sure he is reading to you every day.

if he’s not l improving after those have been checked and after a couple of months of reading every day then time to start checking some other stuff.

Have you gone back to his teacher throughout the term to ask how he’s doing and what else is being done. You have to be loud and persistent. They should be giving you information on what can be done by school and you to help improve the situation. Go back and ask again.

I would suggest private education if you can afford it. It's for this exact reason I truly believe going private is so helpful in the early years. You'll get more timely and frequent feedback and the teacher will be more open to you inquiring about progress.

I don’t think I said I didn’t know, @Octavia64 .
@Smartiepants79 i have a friend who says this but to be honest when I do speak to her I end up confused. Very mixed messages.

@SWLmama to be honest this was originally my absolute last resort but after today I am thinking it may have to be the way forwards.

i have a friend who says this but to be honest when I do speak to her I end up confused. Very mixed messages.

You mean you have made an appointment with the teacher, but then not understood what she said ?

Not meaning to state the obvious, but at that point, wouldn't you say "I'm not sure I understand what you mean, can you explain it again please?"

I tried to speak to her a couple of times last year. I understood what she said insofar as I don’t believe I have issues with comprehension but it didn’t either reassure me or help me support my child.

Then go back again. What are school doing for him? What support? What interventions?
Is it the same teacher as last year? Has he not moved classes?

Another one to suggest going private if you can. My son reads with his teacher three times a week and even the smallest area of development is flagged with an explanation of what they are going to do to resolve the difficulty and a short timeline for doing so. I actually think if I had to choose I would send them private for the early years rather than secondary as it forms their whole basis for learning and their attitudes to it

@Smartiepants79 it is pointless having a conversation with the teacher. She is a very closed book and makes it very clear that any questions are a nuisance. To be honest, I’m really fed up tonight. I don’t want to send my DD and while I don’t wish to disrupt DS I don’t have confidence in the school at all. It does seem a bit pointless to me to keep banging on at them when I know they will just dismiss me.

Thanks @Byron1990 . I wanted to send mine private for secondary but I may have to dig deep as I can’t believe how poor the provision has been.

@naturalstressor we had our eldest in a state school for reception as we lived in another UK country where the provision was good. When we moved I was shocked at the ‘outstanding’ primaries with enormous class sizes and classrooms that seemed to be falling apart. Now he is in year 1 at a prep I cannot imagine having him anywhere else. I am so impressed with the education he is receiving and he is thriving. Having worked as a teacher in state secondary I think once they get there, if they have built confidence through primary, they will generally do well. I think at primary school if they get a bit lost and they struggle to access the curriculum it can ruin their relationship with their learning.

This is what it's like at our school but I don't think it's like this everywhere. I've had quite a few issues. We're generally quite low maintenance people however when your children are struggling you can't be, sadly you have to fight. Even for just a basic conversation with a teacher it can take weeks, and the conversations can be useless. Until this year we've been lucky and had great teachers for our child who really needed help however this year they have a newly qualified teacher who is lovely but clearly overwhelmed and unsupported. The lack of any infrastructure of support in the school has become a real issue. It was an issue in previous years but we managed with a combination of teacher experience, paid for tutors and some support we directly accessed via the LA but this year it's been a nightmare. If we could afford private I wouldn't hesitate!

This isn’t the case with our primary, we have a lot of suggestions and discussions about what can be done at home to support learning and also additional things that the school will do. For example my daughter wasn’t doing so well with her reading so they arranged for her to read with a TA twice a week. Plus gave us phonics and reading activities at home. She caught up within a couple of terms.
If you don’t want to move your child can you get him a private tutor to support his learning?

To give you specific advice:

Can you give a bit more info about the serious incident? Are we talking injury, bullying (either side), disruptive behaviour? Did they say they should have / thought they had told you?

Have they given you a level he's working at? I think it's meeting expectations/greater depth sort of phrasing they use?

Have they told you how he's doing in different areas or all lumped together?

Have they told you specific things that he's not great at - whether that's phonics or sitting still at carpet time or whatever?

I may be misreading, but you are coming across as rather passive. You have every right to press for specifics. 'Not doing very well' is vague. You need to know a lot more: Is he engaged in class? In which areas is he behind? How far behind? What interventions are you putting in place to address this? Are there areas where he is where he should be or ahead? How is the school building on these? How does he interact with other childre? With the TA, f there is one, and the teacher? Take notes at meetings so you have a record to refer back to at subsequent meetings.

Y1 is very little and there is plenty of time to catch up. The best way you can support your child at that age is through daily reading with him and lots of talking, which you are no doubt doing already. It would be a mistake to step in as a parent to make up for deficiencies in the school's teaching, especially on the basis of two meetings a year, unless your child is keen for you to do so - 'Can we do maths, mummy?'

Other things to consider:

How are other parents finding the teacher? Of you are not alone, a conversaion with the head may be in order.
How experienced is the teacher? Dealing effectively with parents is a skill that has to be learnt too.
Does your child enjoy school, or is he going reluctantly? If the latter, he is likely not to learn very well.
Join your local library if you are not already a member, so he has his own ticket and can choose books.

Thanks both. I’m glad it isn’t just me @Cakeandslippers . I thought it was me all last year but when I came out of that parents evening before half term I thought … hold on, this is not me! I’m doing everything I can and more besides!

He doesn’t seem to be doing particularly well at anything @GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut ! It’s all very ‘well this is better than that but then that is terrible so this is only better because that is so bad.’ Obviously I am paraphrasing there! But it really is so negative.

@IdaGlossop i probably do but even if I have the specifics since I’m not au fait with the levels at Y1 it’s largely meaningless. I don’t think I’m passive so much as wanting to keep relationships positive (especially as I have a younger child starting) and if we get to the point where I want to move them it seems pointless demanding things from them if you see what I mean.

We can't tell if you're being reasonable or not with such little information.

But I'd trust your gut and if the school feels off, you don't trust the teachers and you can afford it I would definitely recommend moving schools.

@dairydebris i haven’t got much information. I wish i could be a bit more helpful.

He is behind in phonics and is not on track to pass the screening test at the end of the year. Mysteriously, he’s on the same reading level as most of the class. I don’t understand that either! Maths is better than phonics but apparently they are pretty dire. I’ve been told to only focus on a couple of spellings a week.

Trust your gut.

I will say we had our children at private through primary and state from secondary and dont regret it. They had a great start, enjoyed their day, loved learning, learned about being in a team for sports, smaller classes more attention etc. My thinking is that they are so much more robust at 11 than 4.
We also have good state secondary near us.

Try another state before private.

Your posts are quite vague re your actual issue, but if that's all the information you have from school then that's probably why.

What are you doing at home?

Move him. This sounds shit! I wouldn’t be happy either. He’ll soon make new friends at that age.

yes another state, they’re not all like that

The language used is not specialist and you will understand it. All KS1 looks at is whether the child is working at on, Below or above the expected level, expected being based on masses of national data. If you are told he is behind, you can ask how many months behind. If it's a year, it's serious. If it's two, it's not such a big deal.

Separating content from manner is the way to preserve and build relationships. You have every right to ask for detail about your child's progress. You can be firm about it without being hostile or demanding.

Another thought is that the class teacher dominates everything at primary. Then they move up a year and everything changes. My DD's KS1 teachers were Reception - amazing, Y1 - fun, young but vague, Y2 - very experienced, took no prisoners, brittle with parents. The only one I felt I could have a good conversation with about DD was the reception one, who was also the least experienced. It all comes out in the wash.