please tell me my very active ds will manage at primary school

[missmuddle]

my has ds (just turned 4)and is very very active !!!, extremely sociable and will not still ever - even eating dinner is hard work. Every time the teachers at preschool talk to me about him they say he is very bright but his behaviour is not so good he can be aggressive, thinks he knows everything (which invariably he does), won't try new things if he thinks he might fail, does not sit for long etc etc - essentially he is a live wire. I am very worried about how he will manage in reception and going on from there can someone tell me he will calm down and everything will be ok

He sounds just like mine! Who is now 7, and doing fine (fingers crossed for the next episode!)

If the reception is operating as it should be - very active, access to outside activities, not formal sit still activities, etc, he will be fine.

Does he start in Sept? Or are you looking for a school?

he starts in september we are visiting this afternoon (he will be 4 and 4mos by september

btw bigtilly when did your ds calm down

Can't offer you any reassurances but I'm in exactly the same boat so at least you know you're not alone. My ds (also just turned 4) starts reception in Sept, sounds just like yours and I do worry about him. I expect he'll be fine - my dd was in the same class two years ago and so I know the teacher is excellent.

Warning bells at the fact that his agression has already been mentioned by the preschool staff.

Everyone always seems to be so reassuring on this thread, but I believe that you do need to be realistic and not just latch on to the fact that "other people's children" are said to have been the same.

No one on this site knows your child. YOu do. THe preschool staff do.
I would speak to the staff at the future school, tell them what you have noticed and been told about your child's behaviour and keep communication open with the school : do NOT blame "other children" or the school if you child finds that he cannot behave in school.
Going to school will be the test of wehether or not the school environment can give him what he needs to learn how to interact and behave without agression or impatience.

I get fed up of the "my child is so intelligent- that is why he misbehaves" syndrome.
Lots of preschool staff and nursery staff and recption teachers blithely mention a child being " quite bright" and my god, some parents 5 years later are complaining to a teacher because their child is only getting average results in tests.

katak you are misunderstanding my op - i do not blame the school, i do not think he misbehaves becaus ehe is bright, i do not blame other children - i am well aware of dss behaviour other children stop at a point
he goes further - always pushing the boundaries, you tell him to us his cutlery at the table he does then two mouthfuls later he is back to his hands you tell him tp stop and the he says so sorry I forgot

I think part of this is lack of consistency in discipline by dh and and partly his personality.

I am not blaming other people!

If he has a teacher who 'gets' him, he'll be fine.

Reception should have lots of outside play, short periods of sitting on the carpet etc, it all builds gradually through the year, until nearly all the children are following the structure of the day without problems.

Schools are used to dealing with livewires and will have strategies in place to deal with issues as and if they arise. I personally would let the school get to know your ds, I wouldn't talk about his behaviour until it becomes necessary. School is a very different environment from nursery, and he may well settle down quite a bit. If not, then is the time to talk IMO.

thanks for that i have been reassured a bit

Missmuddle, he calmed down gradually over time, but much better since around 7. Just very normal boy behaviour, and not too much of a problem at school.
I think it's a developmental thing - moxt boys just aren't made to want / be able to sit still doing formal (boring!) stuff until they are about 7, but a good primary school should recognise it and provide the right sort of environment and activities for them.
It all really came together for him around the time he turned 7 - now able to read chapter books alone / learn spellings, etc as well as play football / so other sporty stuff in his free time.

He won't be the only lively boy in the class!

A friend of mine has a very similar DS who is due to start at our older children's school in Sept. When I mentioned her concerns about him sitting still, the reception teacher said 'why would I want him to sit still?' As long as they show an interest in learning, they are happy. Don't worry.

Just looked at your page and see you have a 12yo DS - how did he get on in reception?

Missmuddle - your son sounds like my son. He is going through a nightmare phase at the moment, being really disruptive at nursery, and I worry massively about how he'll cope at school. He's mostly fine in one-on-one situations, but put him in a group setting like a classroom or playground and he is chaotic, distractable, aggressive at times and generally difficult to contain. We are back and forth to the nursery all the time trying to come up with strategies to deal with this (they're pretty great about the whole thing, to be fair), but I am dreading him starting schol and being labelled 'the naughty kid'.

You'll hate to hear this, katak, but I do put a lot (not all, but a lot) of my son's general arsing around and refusing to 'behave' down to the fact that he is very bright. I'm not a precious 'oh my darling little Tarquin can do no wrong!' type mum either, I promise! I just genuinely do believe that since my son walked early, talked early and is miles ahead of most children of his age in every area (except, unfortunately, his social skills) he has missed out on some aspects of the socialisation process, because he has never really enjoyed playing with children his own age at toddler group and nursery. He doesnt seem to be able to relate with them very well. Believe me, I'm not boasting about my bright little angel. I worry about him.

big tilly oldest ds was a completely different child to ds2 same genes same parents but was really good at reception and has been adored as a model student by all teachers - so we did not have any issues - although i think he does not have the social skills as ds2.

Mrs Matties that is wahat i worry about the most him being labelled the naughty disruptive child - is your child staring this september

No, he won't start until next year, so there is time for improvements in his behaviour I know. But I worry all the same.

I know someone who's son is very bright and very chaotic, etc. He is just like his dad, who is a VERY successful business man!
In my experience, some teachers struggle more with boys (particularly the active, etc ones) and others love them and really get them on-board.
I think the reception teachers will be fine, as they are well set up for boys.

MrsMattie on Fri 27-Jun-08 16:04:15

'You'll hate to hear this, katak, but I do put a lot (not all, but a lot) of my son's general arsing around and refusing to 'behave' down to the fact that he is very bright. ... I just genuinely do believe that since my son walked early, talked early and is miles ahead of most children of his age in every area (except, unfortunately, his social skills) he has missed out on some aspects of the socialisation process, because he has never really enjoyed playing with children his own age at toddler group and nursery. He doesnt seem to be able to relate with them very well.'

I don't think this means this has got to be an ongoing problem for the OP- all children are different.

Out of the two mother-and-toddler groups I attended there were two children (neither of them mine!) who really stood out for being amazingly early with everything: sitting, walking, talking, reading, knowing every make of car in the known universe- you name it. However, both were also very good socializers and played well both with their contemporaries and (eventually) with younger siblings. At least one of them was also remarkably docile (much more so than my dd). 10 years later both children (a girl and a boy) are still doing very well at school, though some later developers (including my dd) have now caught up with them.

I have known other children who have struggled with behaviour and socialisation in the early years, and then things have really come together. It is just impossible to predict.

Does he start 1/2 days, MissMuddle? Only I know that 1/2 days until Xmas will help with my DS (also just 4). Easier to contain their impulses if only 1/2 days.

There's a bit in Steve Biddulph book about boys getting a testosterone surge at about age 4. I never really saw it with DS1, but with DS2 it's very apparent!! He's so much more aggressive now than even a month ago. Luckily my DS is quite shy, so behaves well indoors, thank goodness. It's playtime when he's going to have problems (being bossy, being fussy, walloping games, etc.)

Agree with Iljkk about the testosterone surge. Doesn't affect every child equally but is very apparent in some 4yo boys. Dies down eventually. And the school should have seen it all before.