Anyone ever changed schools because their child isn't very happy?

[scarletlilybug]

....And if so, did it work out for you?

DD, aged 8, isn't particularly happy at school... just coming up to the end of year 3 and we're wondering whether to call a it a day with her present school.

It's a good school, with good staff and a great Ofsted report. Very small school, too - only 70 children. Which is good for getting individual attention in class... but also means that the potential pool of friends is somewhat limited.

Thing is, dd has never really managed to make any friends there and the one girl she is close to is leaving at the end of the summer term (her family are relocating). So now dd's dreading the start of the new school year, without her only "pal".

I have spoken to her teacher about this and the attitude has been "tell her not to worry about next term.... just make the most of having X here before she leaves".

I'm just wondering wheteher enough is enough - would it be a good idea to start again at a new - bigger - school and hope that things will improve? Or are her problems likely to follow her there? And would swapping schools be teaching her that the way to solve your problems is to run away from tham?

I was just wondering if anyone else had experienced similar and whether a move worked for you? Or maybe it didn't? Would it be better to try to persevere and find some way for dd to make new friends?

I'd be so thankful for any input... I'm really unsure what to do. I guess the worst scenario is that she has the same problems elsewhere and that that might start to affect her self esteem etc.

(BTW, I'm a regular mumsnetter with a name change because I know some of the other mums up at the school are also mumsnetters... and I don't want to start any rumours at the school gates before we've made our decision, one way or the other)

Anyone?

We'll be moving to another village next year because we know our child won't be happy in the local school.

Because teh teacher's a negative cow and the first three years are composite.

why do you think she struggled to make friends?

I moved my son at the end of year five for various reasons, including him not being desperately happy. It seems better now. We chose a bigger school so there were more children for him to choose from. It is also private and has more sport, which he enjoys a lot. Worth doing (the change, not necessarily the private bit), IMHO.

Ds changed to a new school after reception. It worked very well but it did take him a while to settle in and get out of bad habits he had picked up in his first school. He's moving again in September because of a number of reasons (new head, new ethos, lack of experience etc). I am worried as he has made alot of friends in his current school. He's outgoing and cheery though so I don't think he'll have problems making friends. I think this depends on the child. The happy, confident ones appear to make friends easily.
We're using the opportunity as a way of starting afresh. He doesn't have to be the clown anymore so I'm hoping his personality will come out.

I guess she feels a bit "different" from everyone else.
She's quite a quiet, studious girl... not as "streetwise" as some of the other children. For example, some of the other kids say she's "babyish" because she enjoys writing poems and the like. And she does have the tendency to take any slight (real or imagined) to heart. Don't get me wrong - I don't think there's any animosity there - but there aren't really any friendships, either.
The other thing is that she wasn't there from reception and a number of the children already hads established groups which she's never (for whatever reason) managed to break into.

In my experience, if a child has porblems with school its better to deal with the porblem rather than change school. We had a parent at our school that took her kids out because one of them was unhappy, they ended up coming back because the child was no happier at the school they moved too.

I also know of one of our parents who moved her child to a different school. Child still wasn't happy and so moved him to another, He's only in year 2 and he has been at 3 schools already.

P.S. I'm not saying to ignore the problem but at first try and find ways of helping your daughter get along at school a bit better

Maybe you could invite another child to tea, help her to try and build up friendships

It's hard. You have to do what you think is best for her. Maybe it's best to find her a school where she will fit in and flourish. I'm sad my ds is leaving but I don't agree with some of the things the new head has done. I don't think he likes ds, ds sticks out like a sore thumb because he's loud, has opinions, chatty and happy. Some people want children to be seen and not heard. It's sad really. There are alot of people leaving because of the head.

Your daughter will cope. They always do. The children will be different and she should be able to find someone she connects with. I hope it all goes OK. It can be very sad for a child when they don't fit in.

I am moving my daughter for precisely this reason - she starts in Y3 at her new school which I felt was a good break point as it is the start of juniors. So I can't really say if it works - but I do hope it does !

I am a firm believer that sometimes you click with people and sometimes you don't - my dd - like yours has never really managed to click with anyone who was available - all the girls she wanted to be friends with already had best friends and those who wanted to be her friend she wasn't very keen on ! My dd also has a long memory and finds it hard to forget past nastiness and has been bullied by a group of girls in her current school and she just can't seem to get past it.

So - we are going and she can't wait !

Myy DD only had 1 real friend in Yr1, and they were joined at the hip, always home for tea etc etc. When her friends Mum told the school they were moving in the summer holidays between Yr1 & Yr2, the Teacher was concerned for my DD and said we would really have to watch her.

DD was terribly upset, but in Yr2 as friend wasn't there she had to talk to someone else and ended up with a small group of friends.

At secondary school, they make another set again!

I was the same - only ever had 1 or 2 close friends, but was never in the "cool gangs"

If you are happy with the school & teachers, and she is not being bullied, I would not want to move her. She may make her "best" friend next term?

My ds is fine with the vast majority of other children, he's very popular. It's the head that has the problem. It's a small school, he took over in September, he's very religious and trying to turn the school into a catholic school with zombie kids that never question and do as they are told. Ds is very bright and questions everything. The head tells him to shut up when he's teaching them that god created the world and how they should all go to church and live by god's word. Poor ds is having none of it. I can't wait for him to go. He never gets picked for teams, it's sad.

I've had similar problems with each of my 3 DDs (8,9 & 11): all a bit quiet, academic, not sporty, not streetwise and had difficulties with friends. But we stuck it out and school (2 form entry so quite big) has turned up trumps in terms of improving DD1's confidence and perceived "differentness". She is now as happy as larry and I'm very glad we didn't move her.

The younger 2 are still trying to deal with all the issues and have experienced some bullying/ exclusion and one has had a fairly ineffectual teacher. We're sticking with the school because I do think they need to learn to overcome problems rather than run away from them. I also think that they need to learn how to deal with bullies/ rougher kids/ more streetwise/ less academic types: if we stick them in with lots of people who are similar to themselves, I think they'll get a real land at some later stage in life. Their secondary school and university will obviously contain kids who are more like them and this is an opportunity for them to learn to deal with all sorts.

Only you can make the decision but IME 8 year old girls mature and can be quite content not being part of the cool gang. Our head teacher gave us good advice telling us to maintain friendships outside school so the child gets some validation away from the group so use the holidays to meet like-minded children (eg your friends' kids, cousins, camps where class mates won't be present etc).

I actually wish I'd moved my son earlier. I see him having more fun now and wish he could have had that for longer.

I'm moving my ds to a school where he can run around, climb trees and dig! Mid morning snack consists of fruit, water and lots of biscuits. Can't wait.

Thanks so much for your responses..
wouldn't it be graet if there was some sort of "parallel lives" machine so you could see what would happen if you carry on as you are, and what would happen if you make a change.
I've tried the invitation to tea stuff and had a few playdates - but the invitations are rarely reciprocated. Dd does do lots of outside activities, so she does have outside friendships and there's never really been aby problems making or keeping friends. I think the poster who said something about simply bnot "clicking" perhaps has it right - the children in dd's class are nice enough, but she simply doesn't particularly hit it off with any of them. But how do we know that she'll "click" with the children at a different school. At the end of the day, I want her to be happy - and I want to do whatever is most likely to ensure that. Gawd... you never realsie just how much you will worry about your children and their happiness until you actually have a child, do you?

I am now accepting that my son is a natural introvertor an observer. He likes having one or two friends but friendship groups baffle himhe simply doesn't understand the dynamics. At least in a bigger school there is more likelihood of meeting someone else who wants to spend all lunch hour bashing a ball against a wall. This year they are mixing up the classes for his year and it's good news for him because all the cliques are being broken up, which means there might be a few more spare boys looking for slightly eccentric ball-bouncing friends.

Message withdrawn

Just made an appointment to look around another school in the hope that that will help me clarify my thoughts. Still unsure what to do for the best, though.

We moved dd1 half-way through reception because she wasn't happy - she was in a tiny school (23 children in total) and it just didn't work out socially for her. She was being bullied and had a lot of nightmares etc. The school didn't do anything about it.

We moved her to our local school (which I had been very snobby about before due to the particular intake they have) - and she was much happier straight away - the nightmares stopped and she never looked back.

As others have said though, do see if you can talk to the school, they may well be able to help in some way - we've had the odd wobble along the way and the school has always been great at resolving any issues very swiftly.

I moved my dd1 at the end of Reception. She started Y1 at her new school. I was the best thing that we ever did!

The school that she was at was the 'best' school in the area - great Ofsted, great teachers, great rep ...but, my dd never settled there. She was unhappy
So, we moved her - she was like a different child!

Ours was the opposite scenario to yours in that she was at a huuuuuuge school (over 800 children, and this is primary) to a more 'managable' sized school (around 250). It worked like a dream and we have never looked back.

I can't obviously say how things would work out for you and your dd, but it worked well for us

we're going through this at the moment, I have 2 ds's in a 70 pupil school, ds1 has a small very close group of friends but ds2 has struggled. In his year there are 6 other boys who are seriously boisterious, nothing wrong with that, it's just not ds2 and there is no other choice. This is not the only problem hence the decision to move in September . We are having a nightmare at the moment though. ds1 is really upset and stroppy, his bf is weepy and I feel like I'm prolonging the agony. I'm constantly reassuring him that'll he's not losing friends just going to make more but have a stomach tied in knots with anxiety.
I would love a parallel life scarletlilybug then I could show him, that things will be better.
BTW, if you have made an appointment to view another school in the same LEA, they will inform your currrent school immediately.

We are in similar position with DS1. He is just finishing his reception year and really hasn't had a great time, including making many friends. Like many others have said, he is in a very small school, with only another six new starter boys. We are hanging on until we can move house (not even on the market yet!) as he isn't really unhappy but it just doesn't feel like the right place for him if you see what I mean!

we moved ours out of a small school at 7 and 9 because they were having problems. 7 yo very academic but not stretched and laughed at for wanting to work, 9yo not academic but never helped or encouraged at school and picked on because of not huge social skills. They're doing far better now.
I understand peoples points of view who say to deal with problems and not to move, but in my opinion life, especially childhood, is way to short to waste on people or things which make us unhappy if there is a choice.
hope the visit was/is productive.

just thought I pass a little reassurance this way. Ds's went for a trial day at their new school today. After a weekend calming a very anxious, twitchy ds1 (and a blase ds2) I was really thrilled, they came out with big grins on their faces, full of info about what they'd been up to. Usually when I ask I get "nothing" every day. I have a really good feeling about this now...I think for once I might have made the right decision