Changing schools after reception?

[CryMeARiverSong]

Feeling a bit lost and would love a sounding board.

DS is in reception at a school we picked as it’s lovely and nurturing. There are much closer schools to us - this is about a 20 min walk away - but we loved the vibe of it. It’s a very popular school and we hadn’t quite anticipated what it would feel like to be at a school where everyone else is super super local (we would never have got in before the drop in birth rate) and where loads of the kids have known each other since birth and are really really close.

DS has done really well and made a nice little group of friends but we’ve just discovered that when they go into year one they rearrange the kids and DS won’t be in the same class as those kids, but will be in the same class as a couple of close knit kids who have been quite mean to him in the past (sure they’re lovely individually but together they can be a bit excluding/scornful of others). We have raised this with his teacher who always reassured us he had lovely friendships with other kids, only for them to now be moving him away from them.

DH and I have always said that although the journey there and back is a pain it was worth it for the school and the friends he’s made. But now it feels like he’ll be starting all over again we’re wondering whether we should move him to the much closer school even though we didn’t get the best vibes from it. Our neighbours kids all go there and seem fine but it’s a very different feel from his current school.

Has anyone else moved a kid after reception and what else should we be thinking of while we weigh up the options? I just don’t want to let DS down.

Hmm I think you should give him a chance before pulling the plug all together. I’m in the same situation in that my DS starts reception in September but we live a bit further away than the other kids he’ll be in class with. I too have also thought about the fact that most of the kids in his class are mostly local as the school is within a large new built development. We chose it as it’s the best school in our small town however we do have a school that’s super close to our house which is perfectly fine.
If we do end up in a similar situation as you then I’d see how he copes in his assigned class for the first term before deciding whether to move him or not.
Also, how does he feel about the whole situation?

We moved our two 5 year olds after their year in reception. They have adjusted fine (just finishing year one now) and it was the best decision. It’s a bit of a longer walk than their old one but they’ve had no issues making friends, the change of lesson layout/curriculum wasn’t a problem either. We took them to look round the new school and made sure the eh felt their opinions mattered but thankfully they loved it.

You’re anticipating a problem. Why not wait and see if there is one.

I would definitely wait and see how he gets on in Year 1. It's pretty normal for 2+ form entry schools to mix the classes every year. You can't move him every time he's separated from friends. Treat it as an opportunity to make new friends, which he will (and he'd definitely have to if he went to a new school, too). The children who have been mean aren't the only children in the new class with him. There will be children from the other class too. He'll still see his old friends at playtime too.

If he's really unhappy after the first term, you could look into moving him. I definitely wouldn't do it yet though. You chose this school over the more local one for a reason. Remember those reasons.

Our school mixes in y1 and y3. The teachers were great in taking friendships into account, as well as who is a good/bad influence, the mix of SEND, ability levels etc. Could there be some reason you arent aware of that he is being split from friends?

I would be very cautious about pre-empting a problem (as a previous poster said). In addition, even though he is still very little you DS may well surprise you and cope well with these changes. Moving children for minor problems, or problems that haven't arisen yet, has the danger of giving them the message that you don't think they are resilient enough to handle these situations (and as a mental health professional I can say with quite some confidence children really do internalise these messages). My daughter had a very tricky time in Y1 with a controlling friend, but finally figured it out and stood up to her. As a result this has given her so much more confidence in expressing what she will and will not tolerate in friendships.

A class doesn’t just have a few mean 5 year olds in it! What about all the others? Are a few dc that big an issue? Learning who isn’t friendly is a lesson too. You haven’t given it a chance. Why is he being split up from his friends? They usually keep dc together who work well in class. Plus what friendship groups can he gatecrash in another school? The same issue could well arise. I’d stay put - you haven’t given it a go yet.

I wouldn't rush to move him. He'll still see those friends at break time, and make new ones from the other class that get mixed in with him.

Thanks to everyone for your advice. We honestly wouldn’t have even considered it if we hadn’t already been weighing up the distance issue, it was the two combined that made us worry. I am sure he will make new friends, he’s normally a sociable little creature and has always made friends at holiday clubs for eg, but I think we were taken by surprise that he was being split up from his friends when the school themselves had always told us how brilliant those friendships were and how it worked well for the other children, whereas other kids are being kept with their very close friends.

We’ve obviously not been anything but positive to him but we are going to talk to the teacher about the dynamic between the two kids and how they can keep an eye on that. It’s a big school so there are lots of other potential friendships of course, but as he arrived knowing no one, unlike the vast majority of the children, we were a little surprised he’s being split up and put in the same class as kids we’d had to speak to the teacher about before - it’s not just a two form school. But hopefully he can start to build new friendships, it just feels a shame he’s kind of starting from scratch again.

My dc were in a five form entry primary school and the classes were shuffled every year. If anything it’s a good thing. They get to know so many different children that by year three it’s not an issue at all. There are a lot of advantages of going to a bigger school.

Friendships get easier as they get older because they start liking and wanting to to specific things. So if they like gymnastics and you start going to gymnastics then he sees Bob from his class is also at gymnastics then they have something in common and the friendship is strengthened. They also start doing more play dates and the like as they get older. He isn’t going to get left out because of geography. Kids don’t think ‘oh, I won’t ask him to come to my house because he lives a twenty minute walk away’.

I moved early but...it was because the school wasn't right. Not because of friendships

They move classes / groups and sometimes they mix it up because of different reasons. If the school is right, I would hold off until you know if a problem.

We have a bit the opposite. DS class does all stay together, and judging by the letter that went out, stays together until year 6! So the two groups made in year R are static! He's with his best friend and I'd prefer they separate but not at the expense of one in a class where they are the only new kid.

@CryMeARiverSong I would ask if the school asked about friends. Who did they ask? Some ask parents. I do think dc make new friends and my dd went into school with 1 friend from nursery. Other dc had left and/or gone to other schools. Nurseries don’t always just feed one school. DD2 was split differently in y1 from yr too and no option to express a preference, but that was a private school. There’s no reason why you cannot ask the school on how they decided and what factors were taken into account. I’d also be proactive about playing with new friends after school.

If you're worried, talk to the school, but honestly I would leave him. Don't borrow trouble - chances are, he'll be absolutely fine. It's very normal for schools to mix classes, and you can't keep all the friendship groups together. In all probability, they're prioritising keeping friendship groups together for kids who are struggling, and your child is less of a priority because they know he'll be able to find new friends in this class. Which, in all likelihood, he will.
If you're worried about the journey, I'd look at getting the scooter or bike out to make it a bit easier. But 20 minutes isn't that long. I wouldn't move a child from a good school where they're happy and settled to a mediocre school where they knew nobody.

This is so interesting. Could you say a bit more @martipants about how we as parents might accidentally give our children the message that they are not tough enough to withstand a (potential) challenge?

Sure ThinkingIsAllowed It was on the assumption that the OP, who seems like a curious and thoughtful person, would have a thoughtful, age appropriate but honest conversation with her child about why he was changing school. But I take your point if it isn't something that can be talked about, then the danger is more of being a snowplough parent, which again does run the risk of creating children with little resilience.
Changing school is a big challenge for a child and I guess my general point, made by several others, is I would only move them at that age if there was an even bigger challenge presented with them staying at that school.

Kids change every week at this age, their worst enemy child become their best friend. Change if you dislike the school, not the kids