Reception child refusing instructions at school and home, any advice please

[DeeDee198600]

Hi all, I am hoping for some advice and please accept my apologies for the length of this but I want to ensure I have given as clear a picture as possible.

my little boy is 4 and nearing the end of his Reception year at school.

his teacher asked me to stay behind today so that she could tell me about some issues she is facing in class with my little boy.

she explained that he struggles to listen (no hearing issues, this has been checked recently at school and he can hear all that is said to him at home etc) and then follow instructions. In fact at times he will insist on doing it his way or telling the teacher that the way he does it is better. This mostly concerns writing and although he can write a sentence with support from the teacher actively telling him what to do, without support he will do what he wants to do and not try / get distracted.

the teacher showed me another boy’s workbook by way of comparison and it was like night and day compared with my little boy’s workbook.

I asked if she felt he had any additional needs / SEN and she feels that he doesn’t given that when he does choose to listen, he does quite well, knows his sounds / letters etc.

he is otherwise very confident, a great communicator for his age and has a group of friends with whom he plays nicely.

At home, more recently, he is also struggling to follow instructions and will actively refuse to do things a lot if the time, but I had put this down to normal 4 year old behaviour and perhaps ‘a phase’ / trying to have some control over the situation. We can ask him to do something 50 times and he will refuse. We do not reward negative behaviour, but I am struggling to know how best to discipline as naughty step for example (which I did try at one stage) just results in him running off indefinitely, laughing, and this could go on all day if I were to let it.

I am starting to feel like we have no authority over him and the more we insist on certain things, the more he fights against it. we stick to it, but the behaviour just seems to escalate.

he sleeps well at night, eats well etc, so I don’t think tiredness is involved.

I am at a loss as to what to do. I have tried ignoring the behaviour and it escalates, I have tried distraction which doesn’t work, I have resorted to raising my voice a few times which of course doesn’t help at all.

I would really appreciate any advice you are able to provide me. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself, but I am struggling and feel helpless.

thank you

Sounds like there's no actual consequence to bad behaviour?

aplogies if I wasn’t clear, we have not had success with the naughty step method, but there are consequences for bad behaviour. If we had planned an activity, this would be cancelled, if we are out and he misbehaves then we would leave, if he isn’t listening and shouting and we have said we will go to the park then we will not go. We explain the reasons so he can understand.

Following as going through similar!

Op have you looked up pathological demand avoidance? I have a daughter with pda and she sounds a lot like your son. It’s an autistic condition based on an extreme compulsion to be in control. My daughter wouldn’t (won’t) follow instructions and all the normal methods of positive praise and reinforcement and consequences for bad behaviour didn’t work.

He’s a summer-born right? My DS is too and he’s in Year 2 now but I found the last month or so of the summer term of Reception a complete write off. He was just so tired and had done so well all year but I think he just really needed a proper break from it all. He was sleeping fine etc so it wasn’t tiredness in the traditional sense but just him reaching the limits of his ability to cope.

I would definitely look at parenting techniques for demand avoidant children. I agree there isn’t necessarily anything diagnosable but some of the techniques might be useful. He may be insisting on exerting control over the parts of his life he can control - but I also remember DC1 (summer-born) being a terror towards the end of reception and DC2 was no picnic the summer before he started school, so this may well be a phase.

My exactly mid-year DD is getting worn out now we're nearing the end of the year, I'm sure it would be more of a struggle if she were summer born. Behaviour isn't going off the rails but she's definitely less compliant than usual and taking less to go over the edge emotionally.

I'd ask how long it's been a problem at school to get an idea whether it's mostly exhaustion or there's something bigger going on. And I'd go easy on him at home and help him feel secure and relaxed. Lots of his favourite activity to do together while he has your full attention. Cuddles. If it's silliness when you need sensible join in for a bit before saying it's time for us to stop (works well for us 90% of the time). Pick your battles - is it a rule for health and safety or can you let it slip for a while?

I think its really crummy to show you another kids book. Hes only little still. My oldest daughter was so ready for school but my youngest is quite babyish still. Id say work with the teacher on how to tackle the not listening and be consistent but I dont think id take it to heart or be too alarmed. If he was born a bit later he'd still be in nursery.

My DD is like this atm. We’ve just started using a modified naughty step where I sit next to her and we watch a timer and talk about why she’s on the step. Me staying with her gets her to stay there and I keep her engaged with the timer and the talk. 4 minutes because she is 4. DS went through a phase like this at the same age and I remember having to do the same thing. Thankfully he grew out of it like most kids do. I don’t think it’s really helpful to pathologise normal behaviour in the absence of other clinical symptoms.

You are being far too weak. You shouldn't have to repeat an instruction more than 2 or 3 times. And the fact he runs off and laughs? You are setting yourself up for some nightmarish years ahead if you don't put some firm boundaries in place now.

Think about consequences that will upset him and use those if he behaves badly. Remove favourite toys, switch off TV, no dessert, no fruit juice only water, time outs need to be properly enforced (and YES keep taking him back repeatedly until he gets sick of it - the point is to persevere and show him you're in charge and are not tolerating his poor behaviour). You have to stick with it, and keep going over the same things (even if it is tedious and awful - eventually he'll get it).

And remember - lots of praise and rewards for good behaviour. That will also help massively.

We had the same and enforced very clear boundaries. We would put him in his room for 5 mins (or more… see below) if he refused to do as told, refused to say thank you, to pick up what he’d just thrown on the floor. He usually tried to get out of his room so we had to keep it shut (we held the door handle shut), and every time he tried to open the door, the timer would start again. If he misbehaved on days out, he knew he’d go to his room as soon as as he got home, even if it was hours later. We had a nightmare month where I felt he spent his life on time out in his room, but it worked. He’s been a dream since and had a very successful year in Reception. Good luck!

Possibly he wasn’t developmentally ready for school, remember he is in class with children who were born almost a year before him and possibly more if other children have been deferred or the school has mixed aged classes.

Was he used to attending nursery where the children had a lot of control over their day and were expected to actively choose activities, rather than follow instructions?

What does his day look like? Is he at home with you or are you using childcare? Does he have siblings? Is he more likely to listen to your partner or his grandparents etc.?

You say a lot of positive things about him, plays nicely, communicates well, confident, eats and sleeps well, so I’m sure with a few tweaks you can improve things.

You ask him to do things 50 times and he refuses? What happens after the first refusal?

At 4 he should be able to sit where he is told and follow simple instructions and it does seem as though he has never learnt that at home - asking him 50 times, letting him run off when you sat him down - if he runs off laughing - hold him / cuddle him till he calms down. If he won’t pick something up let him know that it and whatever he has now will both go in the bin - because you can’t trust him to tidy up as he goes. Simple and immediate

he may have been an easy child and so as he reaches end of term and he gets tired this may be the first time you have had to learn discipline

discipline takes a lot of determination on your part, a lot of energy and perseverance. And a surprising amount of cuddles too.