Should we move our anxious Year 2 son back to state school?

[Poppadop]

I feel really torn on what to do. DS is in Y2, and in Sept last year we moved him from a local state primary to a local prep (both are walking distance).

He has always been quite a nervous kid who loves structure and loves to learn, and I honestly thought right from reception that this particular prep school would be a great fit for him. We tried the local state primary first, but decided to move him at the beginning of Y2. There was nothing wrong with the state school, I just wanted him to really enjoy his learning, and I hoped that a supportive and nurturing environment would help him grow in confidence.

I was thrilled at first, because he suddenly got access to loads of extra curriculars, and academically he was thriving. But I worry about the social side. There are only 12 kids in the class, 5 of whom are boys (including him). He has been saying to me recently that he misses his old school and he'd like to go back. He had some lovely friendships at the old school and he misses them.

This has recently arisen because there appears to be quite a few arguments that are happening at break times (in his friendship group), and that's stopping him from being able to play, and he's getting really frustrated. It's made me realise that when things like that happen, he doesn't really have anyone else to turn to (he says the girls don't play with them). I can see now how such a small class can be incredibly difficult socially.

I don't know what to do. I've always worried for him socially, which is why I thought the smaller class would be better...but he's started saying how when he was at his previous school he'd just go play with someone else if there was an issue. And he can't do that here.

I also feel like his anxiety around social situations has increased quite a bit. For example going on playdates, he gets really nervous and anxious about it. He got incredibly anxious at the idea of going to the cinema with my mum, because he hadn't been with her before (he's been to the cinema, and has gone places with my mum, but never the cinema with my mum...). I don't know if this is to do with the school environment, or just a part of who he is which is coming out more as he gets older.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Thank you

Its difficult because even if he goes back to his state school it won't be exactly as he left it and that could cause upset.

What is the prep school like further up the school? They can be very competitive and pushy environments, not best suited to anxious children.

@NuffSaidSam thank you for the response. We're still in contact with a few families from the state school, and he actually invited 3 of them to his birthday recently, so whilst I can't guarantee it I do feel like he'd slot back in quite well.

The prep isn't particularly pushy, it's quite a nurturing environment which is what made me choose it. I was hoping more kids would be joining in year 3, but it doesn't seem that way at the moment unfortunately.

I’d give it a go
the prep school always want money so if it wasn’t working I’m sure he could go back

You can't solve every single problem he comes across, certainly not by moving school every time.

A school move is tricky for all children but particularly those who tend to be more anxious. Although you feel you are contemplating moving him back to where he was this is not really the case, a year is a long time at that age & lots will have moved on meaning that this will be another big change. What happens if another big issue that you didn't forsee occurs, are you going to move him again? Moving from a class size of 12 to one of presumably almost 30 will be big shock.

Whilst school moves are not always avoidable they should be avoided wherever possible.

I was similar, very academic but very anxious
My parents switched me to private because they thought it would be a better fit but it was full of big egos and a hierarchy focussed on whose parents were richest and I felt lost. (My parents were fairly wealthy, but I just hadn't really ever thought about wealth before, I don't recall it being something we really cared about at primary)
Switching me back to a decent state school and supplementing it with tutors /hobbies/piles of books was perfect for me.

Are there spaces in the state school?

I think very small class sizes can be very limiting and if they lose more pupils, there’s a danger of closure. You and he would have to be very certain that another move is what you want, because he really needs to settle somewhere to thrive.

@icybreeze thank you for sharing your experience. I think that's what I'm starting to think might actually be better for him.

I really thought this would be a better environment, but he just doesn't seem to click with the kids in quite the same way. He has friends, but it's just not as varied as it was before. He's definitely struggling with the fewer choices. Rightly or wrongly I seem to worry about his social development more than his academic

@Buscobel I haven't checked, but you're quite right we'd need to make sure it was right and that he wouldn't change his mind. I really would not want to move him again! Where I struggle is neither school is 100% right - the private is very small with limited friendship choices, and the state has a few behavioural issues in the class to deal with.

The state school has one class per year and in hindsight that was probably a good size for him. But ultimately I am reluctant to make any changes until we're certain what sort of environment he needs to thrive.

I thrived in a less competitive environment, a decent state meant I found my tribe who were academic but not super competitive/bitchy

And if it helps, it really hasnt stopped me succeeding. I had a stellar academic record and then have made my way into senior management at work

Anxiety will always be part of me, but I found my feet in the right environment and lots of extra curriculars also helped me (especially ones that pushed me out of my comfort zone)

Also, if you are bright and in top sets you can avoid the behavioural issues in state schools once you hit secondary age. They tend to be quite enjoyable learning environments and you can just keep clear of any idiocy.

I think if he wants to go back to his old school I would move him. He is still very young and friendships can really affect the whole school experience for children- I always think an unhappy/stressed child can’t learn well

I'd leave it. Swapping schools all the tine is unsettling. Re evaluate when it comes to secondary.

It's not like you moved him due to problems in the old school and are planning on moving him every time something goes wrong. He was happy in the old school. You thought the new school would be better. He's not happy and wants to return to the old school. I'd move him back.

As the parent of an anxious young adult who has suffered with it his whole life so far, my experience is that the main things that reduce his anxiety are familiarity and close friendships. But in the long term, they need to experience anxiety-inducing activities as it’s only through experiencing the anxiety and almost always discovering it’s ok that they become less anxious overall. So from what you’ve said, I think I’d move him back if you can so he has the scaffolding of good friendships that then gives him a secure base from which to push him a little to do the things that make him anxious. But make sure you don’t frame it as “because you found it hard, we’re going to stop that activity (prep school)” but that you’re moving him back because of the bullying element. That way he knows you are always there to support him in difficult situations but doesn’t think you will always let him take the easy option.

he's started saying how when he was at his previous school he'd just go play with someone else if there was an issue

Which is a great way to be. It sees like the pool of boys is just too small in the new school and he was better off having a variety of friends to play with.

Small classes in preps can be problematic. My daughter's in a class of 15 but they're all girls so more chance of her finding someone else to play with if there are issues in the friendship group.

I think if he wants to go back to his old school I would move him.

But please don't say anything to him about going back to his old school unless/ until you have formally applied for him to go back and a place has formally been offered...