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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Inviting every child but one to his party

57 replies

lingle · 22/06/2008 16:09

My friend asked her 5-year-old who he'd like to invite to his party from reception class. He replied "everyone except X because I don't like him". So my friend invited everyone except X.

Then she told me what she had done and said, "I'm sure X and his mum won't find out about it". There is nothing particularly difficult about X and his behaviour.

Surely the probability that X's mum never found out is zero? Isn't my friend now lining herself up to have an enemy for the next 7 years, plus possibly to have caused misery to a 5-year-old?

In a similar incident last October, a mum sent round a generous invitation list for her son's birthday. At the time, the son was "too naughty" and not much liked. Quite a few people declined on the ground that their child didn't like the birthday boy. My friend and I both told our unwilling sons that they were going but didn't have to play with him. They went, we made friends with the mum, the birthday boy now behaves much better and 8 months later is friends with both our sons.
I think it is important to avoid singling out and ostracising a child who is 4 years old - firstly because it's immoral, secondly because children change quickly at that age and thirdly for the practical reason that you are committed to spending the next 7 years in the company of his mum! what do others think?

I know you can go too far the other way. A boy in my son's friendship group was annoying the others and they ostracised him, causing his mum a lot of pain. At first, I made the big mistake of just insisting that my son play with him. Then my son became very upset and explained how the boy physically hurts him. It turned out that the boy hadn't really developed his sense of "boundaries" and hadn't realised that hugs can be unwanted, kisses can block someone's mouth and bear hugs can hurt. Once I realised this, I told my son it was ok to say "no, don't touch me!" and that it was his choice whether to be touched or not. He looked so relieved! I also told the mum, because she was pretty upset and worried by this point. She taught her boy to do "high 5s" instead and practised gentle hugs at home - and peace broke out.

OP posts:

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Romy7 · 22/06/2008 16:13

oh.
my.
god.

what on earth is that teaching him? that it's ok to ostracise people?

at 5?

gotta be a winner in the teaching your child to be a decent human being stakes. not.

kaz33 · 22/06/2008 16:19

That is horrendous - my son was invited to play with another boy he doesn't like very much (who isn't good at boundaries). I had a chat to DS2 and we compromised that we would invite him to our house, boy was overjoyed. Had a chat to DS2 and DS1 (who agreed to support his little brother) and they were great hosts, made him felt welcome and didn't gang up on him at all.

I was so proud of there kindness. Of course said boy now thinks that DS2 and him are great friends - but hey in another couple of years maybe they will be.

Pruners · 22/06/2008 16:25

Message withdrawn

wheresthehamster · 22/06/2008 16:29

at the mother's actions/attitude/indulgence

cornsilk · 22/06/2008 16:33

That is horrible - tell her.

deanychip · 22/06/2008 16:50

i had this just last week.
all of the mums huddled together outside school classroom. i went up,then one said, "we are just going to go straight from here to the party"
the others all nodded and agreed,
then one said, "are you going home to get your boy changed first or are you going straight to the party?
"what party?" says i..........

tis not nice.

clumsymum · 22/06/2008 16:55

I hope your friends son is never the one who gets missed out for someone else's party.
If he is, she'll understand how hurtful it is, how you feel your child's disappointment.

My son doesn't get invited to many parties, because during Y2 at school he had one or two behaviour outbursts (only ever happened at school, due to poor management/understanding on that teacher's part). A parent helper at school spread rumours about my ds, and now, over a year on, ds can't shake off his "naughty boy" reputation.
So he doesn't get invited to parties, and I always find it hard to jolly him along when he misses out on another one.

paperdoll · 22/06/2008 17:01

Heartbreaking.

NorthernLurker · 22/06/2008 17:04

ok - I have a very clear memory from my nursery days - so aged 4 or under - of a mum arriving at the nursery school at the end of the afternoon and the teacher saying - 'oh yes you're taking x,y,z etc aren't you' (this was in the pre-booster seat days and I think she must have had at kleast 6 children in her car)I was the only child left waiting for my mum (think she was always late!) I can still remember the sinking feeling when you realise that they are having a party and they don't want you It's a truly awful thing to inflict on a child.

MaryBS · 22/06/2008 17:10

I think its horrible too.

I remember inviting a particular boy to DD's 5th birthday. I remember one of the mums there saying to me that "it was very brave of me to invite x". I told her that x had been perfectly behaved, and that it wasn't at all brave of me.

Sanctuary · 22/06/2008 17:40

This is very hurtfull to do to a child

Would she like it done to her dc???

NO SHE WOULD`NT

mamablue · 22/06/2008 17:47

Horrible isn't it. Does not happen often at my DD's school but when it does I always feel for the child left out. Last year one mother invited the whole class to a party at a play area leaving out one child she thought was too naughty. Poor little girl was in floods of tears after school when she realised they were all going off to softplay apart from her. How mean!

stillstanding · 22/06/2008 17:52

That is heartbreaking.

My DS is very young so we haven't dealt with much of this yet but I do wonder what the politics of this is ...

What if you want a small party and don't want to invite the whole form? Is it ok to invite only 10 and not 30? Is it only mean if you leave a selected few out?

mamablue · 22/06/2008 17:55

I think it would only be considered mean to just leave out one or two children. Sometimes you can only have a certain number due to cost or venue restrictions. It is mean to invite the whole class and leave one child out.

LavendersBlueDillyDilly · 22/06/2008 17:56

OK to invite just a few.

NOT Ok to leave out only one.

NorthernLurker · 22/06/2008 17:56

I think it's perfectly fine to just invite your childs friends - 10 or so maybe? It's when 29 are invited and 1 isn't that hurt is caused. There is also the issue of inviting back children who invited yours. If they have my dc to a 'big' party - whole class then I don't feel obliged to invite them if we are doing something small. But if they did a small party 5-6 guests maybe, and my dc was one of them I would invite back - that's my path through the minefield!

Hulababy · 22/06/2008 18:03

How awful. It can never be rigtht to invire everyone bar one. Yes, okay - don;t invite everyone. But to miss on one child alone is just plain nasty - especially at 5 years old.

And it sets a really bad example to the birthday child - it is accepting that it is okay to leave out a single child; almost like it is okay to bully that child (and ignoring one child is a form of bullying).

Doodle2U · 22/06/2008 18:08

Stillstanding, I can only speak from my own experience but the way I see it is this:-

Invite a select few - fine. If there are quite a number NOT invited, no one bats an eye lid.

Invite all and be done with it.

It goes wrong, IME if just one or two children are left out. It hurts. It hurts the children left out and it hurts the parents.

I'm liking the OP's style. If you know why a child is being left out, tell the child's mum or dad, so at least they KNOW and can help their child. It's when you don't know and therefore, you can't help them, that is a right PITA and very worrying.

mrsruffallo · 22/06/2008 18:17

I invited about 12 to ds's party, including 2 that I know he doesn't really like but had invited us to theirs.
Bad form to only leave one out, I would never allow it.

CrushWithEyeliner · 22/06/2008 18:19

that is sick - explains so much about how children learn about excluding people and judging them and them go on to behave. The poor poor child. 5 years old.

scattyspice · 22/06/2008 18:20

I've invitd the whole class to Ds party. Some kids never get invited and its a real shame.

deanychip · 22/06/2008 18:31

just to add, i speak to the mother of the child whos party it was almost every day and she is lovely.
although i felt awful, i wont fall out with this lady over this.
Every one is entitled to thier opinion and she or her child obviously dont like my son.

on the other hand, its my sons birthday next month (he will be 5) and we have invited only 2 from his class, so i suppose she could be taking the hump because we are not inviting all the kids back that have invited ds to theirs.

not sure of the politics myself tbh!

wotulookinat · 22/06/2008 18:39

That's so sad. I wish people wouldn't single someone out like that as it's very hurtful.

Turniphead1 · 22/06/2008 18:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

wobblyknicks · 22/06/2008 18:53

Awww, poor kid to be the only one left out! Did dd's invitations (her 5th too) a couple of days ago and there were two girls she said she wasn't inviting, out of the class of 30. Certainly wouldn't have dreamt of going along with it. Asked her if there was any reason, anything dire they might have done I didn't know about but it seems she was just in that sort of mood . Explained how unfair it would be to leave those two out and she happily compromised by writing their invitations last (somehow that makes a difference ).

Not unreasonable of a 5yr old to ask but cruel of the mother to go along with for no reason - what's her dc going to learn!

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