What the hell should I do??? (might get long, sorry if so)

[Roseylea]

Dd is 5 and in yr 1. She's not happy at her school. To put it shortly, she's in a smallish school and the pool of friends is not that big. There are other girls in he class but she hasn't really 'clicked' with any of them. Her only friends are a boy and a girl both in yr 2. The boy is sweet but as he has SN he can lash out sometimes, and there's a fair chance he may have to go to a SN school. THe girl is not great news IMHO as she says things to wind dd up and is quite controlling - as in deciding who is in her gang (which cahnges every day). Some days she lets dd play with her, others not. It upsets dd a lot.

Dd comes home wound up and upset, and says awful things mostly to me but to ds as well. By the time dh comes home from work I have normally managed to smooth things over.

It's just so hard work, keeping dd happy, trying to polyfill her crumbling self-esteem every day. I am crying as I write this. I am trying so hardto be the in control mum but it's so hurtful, and the hurt she feels at school affects everyone at home.

Dd hasn't been invited to any parties this year, and never gets invited on playdates (it got a bit ridiculous after I invited the same people round 3 or 4 times and just got "yeah, that'd be nice, maybe one day soon" each time).

On the plus side, the school is very good and it's very close to our house. Her teacher is excellent. It's just the social side that is so crap. I'm on the PTA and I chat to other mums every day - but again I haven't made any friends, except for a few whose children are much older.

So what do I do? is thre anything I can do? this is just not the childhood that I wanted for her. She was so happy and positive as a toddler / preschooler and I only rarely get glimpses of that hapy girl .

God, she is sooooo like my dd!!

My dd is really physical and tomboysish - best thing I did was sign her up for lunchtime football, she LOVES it.

also, we are one of the few families without TV in bedroom,/DS/watching High School Musical etc etc - I suppose I keep dd 'young' as I don't want her being exposed to certain things till later on when she is older.

I always wish there was someone else 'like' her in school, but I think it is a reflection of the world we live in that children grow up ridiculously fast.

I think she sounds great (biased! ) and you sound like you are doing an excellent job. I always think with dd that her time will come. Chin up...

my dcs are also woefully deprived. the only electronic game we have in the house is a v-smile for dd2 so that she can learn joystick control for a wheelchair

we also still have 3 easter eggs left on top of the cupboard, as they really don't have that many sweets - a few here and there, but not helping themsleves from the sweetie jar (the sweetie jar only gets topped up with party bag sweets lol, i don't actually buy any...)

next time you have a parent's evening i'd be asking the teacher to concentrate on her social skills for bit. ds1 hit yr 1 with no friends in his class (originally planned to be the one friend, but he moved in the hols, and all the other boys got put in the other class...) so he's in a similar boat. he mostly plays with the girls now tbh, and there is a lot of that here - not sure why your school is different. even the yr 2s here have a couple of 'tomboy' girls who hang out with the boys.

that said, all 3 do dance class, swimming lessons and rainbows/ beavers/ brownies, so they do get to meet lots of different children and expand their social repertoire. we move a lot so it is really important for my dcs that they learn to make friends easily (dd1 is in her fourth school in yr 3).

it does sound like a bit of a culture clash too tbh. are you sending subconscious vibes?!

i think just relax, have a quiet word with the teacher to prioritise social skills, and ride it out - i'm sure this time next year it will all be fine.

I am finding this interesting as we are considering sending dd to a very small school, just over 30 pupils. The problems you have listed here are some of my real reservations about a small school.

I agree there seems to be a culture clash, maybe the other mums are intimaidated by you. I don't think you are doing this on purpose but it can happen so easily over a topic we all care about such as the way to raise children

I would make ask what the school are doing to address the children's social skills, my dd had a lot of fallings out with friends and had a short period where she felt isolated and the school addressed this through their SEAL programme and that in conjunction with our efforts has home has dealt with many of the problems.

I do also think extra curricular activities would be a great way forward. I don't know what your working hours are like but could you become involved at school helping or even running an activity?

Teacher's comment about not making children play together sounds just a bit lazy to me.

Where there's a will, there are all sorts of things a school/playground supervisors can do to mix up the groups & bring in the wallflowers.

Dd's school (all-girls, so at big risk of being cliquey, per conventional wisdom - though it's got such a lovely atmosphere I now doubt the conventional wisdom ...) does it: consequence is that 19 little girls all know that they are so firmly expected to play with all 18 other little girls that they simply do so. (But this comes from actual social-engineering "training", right from reception. However, the point is that it CAN be done, when the effort is put in.)

Going on school trips to help is a good insight into the class and how it works.

Interesting what Twinset says about being 'intimidating'. I've been judged similarly by others before they've got to know me. Obviously now we are friends I can tell them what they are doing wrong

Perhaps take a different approach and set your sights on forming friendships with another mum? Or invite a child and parent round for a play and a cuppa.

Invite the mums with older children too. Having an older child looking out for her will be great.

I say that as someone who all her life has intimidated people or come across as frosty when the exact opposite is true.

Nearly all of my friends did not really like me or were not sure about me when they first met me.

Ummm..maybe you're right about my being intimidating . I certainly don't mean to be but the area we live in is more working class than I have been used to (nice house though, if a bit small, lovely neighbours, so no criticism there at all). I am aware that sometimes my accent sounds downright posh and dd has got a posher child's accent than her peers - I'm probably the only mother in her class to correct her child's pronunciation!

I am a teacher too (not working am though), and I think I don't really fit in with the other mums, many of whom are single mothers working in jobs such as cleaning, hairdressing, waitressing and dinner-ladying. They all work incredibly hard and do their best for their families so agin there is no criticism intended there. I am just aware that my issues, my perspective and my life generally are so different to theirs. Being on the PTA has helped me to get to know some of them and we have started going out socially as a PTA, although none of the mums in dd's class are on the PTA.

I want to try and get some positive ideas to start in September. It's m children's chilhdood and I want it to be as happy as it can be.