Managing difficult friendship in reception

[navigatingthestars]

Ds is at a small school; only fifteen in the reception class. He gravitated to two other boys and while he is still friends with one, it does seem the other friendship was one where they’d really hit it off. I thought … great.

DS did come home a few times saying ‘Noah’ had hurt him but I assumed it was an accident until I was helping at a school event and saw just how it was with ‘Noah’ properly thumping ds, shoving him over, hitting him … I obviously intervened but Noah didn’t seem in the slightest bit bothered and frustratingly ds did gravitate back to him. However in fairness even when ds tried to stay out of his way ‘Noah’ was hitting him and hurting him. It also happened at a party.

I was going to address at parents evening which is in two weeks but wondering if it might be better to talk to the teacher beforehand? She is lovely but has a lot of work with a mixed reception and Y1 class.

The other boy is also notably taller and bigger than ds which obviously isn’t his fault but does mean when he hits ds it is painful.

It’s hard as I just wish ds would give this boy a wide berth to be honest but he will always find the most boisterous child in a room and gravitate to them and I’m not under any allusions that he is not also a boisterous child; he is. But he doesn’t charge around thumping and hitting children either.

Just worried about it all and wondered if anyone could help?

I would definitely raise it with the teacher before parents evening & you can follow it up then if you get no response

No way would I be waiting until parents evening. This needs addressing before then (as in, tomorrow) to get her take on it. Ask to arrange a meeting and talk it through.

Don’t wait - if he’s being hurt, regardless if its by a ‘friend’, he should be safe at school

Definitely bring this up before parents evening. It needs addressing (and can be followed up at parents evening if necessary).

As a teacher of this year group, can I just say thank you for not automatically throwing around the b word (bullying). I see it so often when parents discuss such behaviour in Reception. Although parents are fully entitled to be upset if their child is being hurt, it's important to unpick where the behaviour is coming from and the root causes behind it. At this age, it's rarely a desire to actually hurt the other child. Young children can often find it hard to initiate play, and friendships in general. Boisterous behaviour, such as running up and slapping someone on the back for no apparent reason, or jumping on top of them etc, can often be their clumsy attempt at saying 'hey, come and play with me'. Young children find it really hard to differentiate between 'play fighting' and real fighting. If they have an adult or sibling who wrestles with them at home, it can become their automatic default and they struggle to realise that not everyone likes it and it can hurt. A 4/5 year old does not realise that their same age friend will be hurt by the same level of force which doesn't even make daddy flinch (as daddy will naturally be a lot more gentle with them).

It certainly needs addressing, but hopefully it's not a case of malicious behaviour and can be nipped in the bud. The teacher will be able to address it with the children (I've had to address such behaviour so often with my boy heavy class this year) but they'll also be able to speak to the parents of the other child. Sometimes parents don't realise the impact such rough, boisterous play at home can have on their child, until they realise they're imitating it in school with children who are potentially smaller than them. If parents withdraw from such play at home and discourage such behaviour, it can make a huge impact.

I really hope this is just a case of a child who doesn't know their own strength and it ceases soon, especially as your son clearly likes this child and wants to be his friend. The teacher can work with the child on more friendly approaches to initiate play. The teacher will be able to work with your child as well on developing strategies such as saying "stop, I don't like that" whenever it happens, to get the message across that he does not enjoy rough games. You can work on this at home too. Good luck.

Thanks @BoleynMemories13 . I don’t think it’s bullying; from what I’ve seen it’s more the other child gets over stimulated and excited and lashes out, probably a bad example but a bit like cats enjoying being stroked so much they suddenly swipe at you <eyes dcat> But because DS’s friend is really tall and big (not fat just taller and broader and looks older generally) it isn’t balanced. Not that I’d want ds to hit back but it does mean potentially dangerous.

In a way that makes it tricky to deal with as straightforward bullying would be a clear policy but this isn’t!

I don’t know if primary teachers find this but I do think some children love the drama and tough play and others just avoid … Ds loves it and then it goes too far and he doesn’t know how to deal with it!

I don’t think it’s bullying; from what I’ve seen it’s more the other child gets over stimulated and excited and lashes out, probably a bad example but a bit like cats enjoying being stroked so much they suddenly swipe at you

I don’t know if primary teachers find this but I do think some children love the drama and tough play and others just avoid … Ds loves it and then it goes too far and he doesn’t know how to deal with it!

I totally know what you mean, re the cat analogy!

Yes, I'm very much finding that in my boy heavy class this year. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. So many are naturally drawn to the rough play, but take it way too far as they simply don't know when to stop. At this age, they find it very hard to judge when enough is enough and to say stop or walk away, before someone gets hurt or upset.

Once again, I praise you for recognising this behaviour isn't necessarily an act of aggression or bullying, as so many do jump to those conclusions even at this young age, but it definitely needs addressing. I hope you're able to bring it up with the teacher soon and it's nipped in the bud. At the very least, they'll be able to keep a closer eye if they're aware this child is being too rough with your son.