Twins in primary schools

[ByGoldHare]

Hi,

Would any of you mind sharing your experience of having either your own twins or teaching twins in primary school please?

I’m particularly interested in people experience of rural small village school (single or combined) vs town bigger school (multiple forms), in terms of friendship formations and development of twins individual identities.

I’m also interested in hearing your thoughts on splitting twins and the timing of it! I have identical twin girls who will be starting nursery school in September.

Thank you 🙂

Mine went into different reception classes. One thrived, the other missed her twin terribly.

There's pros and cons for both approaches.

@ByGoldHare

I wasn’t at primary as there was just one class. My sister and I were always encouraged to have separate friends and interests though which helped. At secondary we were separated and we forged our own paths. We’re as close as twins can be as adults.

I’ve seen at school how twins have been kept together as one relies on the other etc and it’s not healthy. They need to be able to go home and share their own stories and be their own person. I’m a strong advocate for this and seen it work and children thrive over many years of teaching.

I have identical boys, 17. They attended a tiny village primary for four years in a single class. I'm not sure everyone knew them apart. One is RH and the other LH, which suggests perhaps one Right brain and the other Left brain predominant. At primary school the LHer was taught to write RH as the school didn't identify this difference. They went to boarding school and were in a dorm together with 3 or 4 others. We asked for them to room together because they were most relaxed and happy when with one another. They overlapped in some subject classes and were separate in others. At senior school they continued to room together by choice at school and home. They moved into their own rooms at Christmas. They play some sports together, some apart. They have different but overlapping interests and friendships. They applied to Uni with choices 2-5 different but the same No1 choice and both have offers for their first choice- but different colleges and different subjects. I don't think anyone at school struggles to tell them apart now, not least because one likes to be well-dressed and the other doesn't care!
By the conventional wisdom on MN we kept them together more than was healthy. The reality is we followed their preferences and wellbeing. I hate the thought of twins being split to create individuals. They are already individuals and nothing will change this. Their unbreakable bond is a source of happiness and strength so don't feel you have to engineer them apart. If they want to do things separately, let them, then allow them come home to each other. If they want to do things together- let them, and allow them spread their wings in other ways. Unless they are using their bond to harm others (like the Krays), they shouldn't have to separate to please others while they are children. They are quite naturally acting increasingly independently of one another, and I see this as a good thing.

The two things I do feel strongly should be avoided, though, is referring to them always as 'the twins' rather than by name, and dressing them identically. That matchy matchy look is eye-catching, but I think is more for the parents' aesthetic pleasure than the children's needs.

Agree
We absolutely banned the word twins
Our sons only heard the word first when they were called it at school by a teacher
So we banned them using it too 😁

We have also never told them who was born first.
An adult neighbour was obsessed with ‘only’ being number two and twins in our boys boys definately had number one playing thevin charge roll

They’ll find out when they see their birth certificates one day of course.
( They are in their 20s now )

I agree with much you say but many twins aren’t treated as individuals when together. Speaking personally, many people knew us as ‘the twins’ as they couldn’t tell us apart. This doesn’t help individuality.

That is such an unnecessary problem, @hopspot. Schools really should be able to tell two children apart even if they have the same features. School photos might be confusing but even identical twins animate differently. It's probably worthwhile for parents of multiples entering school to set out and agree some ground rules and guidance so people don't do damage through ignorance.

Ground rules are a good idea but being in the same class still inevitably creates a similar story of the day. Being in separate classes allows both children to own their own stories and share things with each other that it only for them. When twins have so much of a shared experience it’s vital to have things just for you.

I recognise that as a twin who teaches many twins I’m in a different position from those who have twin children but I can only speak from from I know.

Being in a class with your twin brings other challenges. You cannot slowly focus on yourself when you also have someone in your class who you care deeply about. For example, when a twin is stuck in their work the other will try and help. This isn’t always a good thing.

I volunteer a lot in my DC-s schools and they seem to have loads of twins -17% of DD's class are twins! I think if they are identical it makes it trickier, in reception I noticed the kids would call the identical twins in their class "jimorbob" as they were so similar (I think there's a SEN element as they dont really talk therefore harder to see who is who via personality). Y1 they seem to be able to tell them apart easier.

I’d have been that twin who struggled. I loved that I always had my best friend with me and she acted as a barrier against any cattiness: you don’t take on twins! We were different and had our own sets of friends and also shared one friend.

I decided to become more resilient and independent as a teenager but being forced to become so by being separated would have been catastrophic for me. I was very shy and I think I’d have been at risk of being bullied in secondary school if I didn’t have my best friend with me. She gave me confidence so I could make friends - they saw a fun person.

I hate this blanket “ we always separate twins” rule

Mine went to a local single form entry so were in a class of 30 together but are boy/girl so found separate groups and identities/interests organically. They went to separate high schools (were in a grammar area with some single sex). It’s entirely personal based on the personalities of your kids and the situation. There is no definitive right/wrong. Look at the options, know your kids, trust your instincts.

I’ve taught many twins, some parents have chosen to keep them together and some have chosen to separate them.

I’ve taught three sets of twins whose parents have insisted on dressing them completely identically. Some hair style, same coat, same water bottle, same shoes. And the consequence of that has been, on all three occasions, that the other kids and adults can’t tell them apart. It has been really difficult for them to make friends and even to form relationships with adults because the other dc think of them as a unit.

I once saw a twin have a delightful morning with a friend, then they went to the toilet before lunch, the friend came out of the toilets and walked up to the other twin and asked her to sit next to her at lunch. And off they went. The other twin was bereft.

One set of boys were in year two when I had them and only half the dc knew the difference between them. The sad thing was that the twins actually weren’t that bothered by one another and would never choose to spend time together.

@Abracadabra12345 But you were dependent on your twin? Is that a good thing? Managing as an individual has benefits.

My identical twins went to a small village primary so no option of splitting. Two other sets of twins in the class.

in secondary, they opted to be in separate form class but have gravitated to the same friendship group. They are close, and over the years i have been worried that one relied on the other too much, but that seems to have sorted itself out.

I a twin (non-identical, both girls me eldest twin but we are youngest of set of 4 siblings altogether) and my parents did the same for primary. I was the slightly more reserved and sensitive and my twin sister the more bolshy and outgoing and “tomboy” (she used to show up the boys climbing the climbing frame in nursery and scale gates at 3/4 🤦‍♀️😂) Hence they wanted us both to be able to have our own space and chance to develop as our own people and friends etc. Upon reflection as well I think the mix of teachers individually for us also were well fitted (mine generally female, quite “gentle” I would say, my sister’s typically male, a bit firmer but able to keep her in check 😂) Obviously was never particularly conscious that this had been an active decision but never remember it being an issue being in separate classes, as spent so much together otherwise. When we got to secondary we were in the same form at our request but then naturally different subjects, sets etc. for some classes especially when got to GCSEs and some in the same so was a good balance I think. We then went on to different sixth forms that were best suited with subjects/courses, preference of the environment etc). We still remain very close to date (maybe even more so without the teenage hormones!). Hopefully is helpful and some food for thought for you!

Mine went to a number of primary schools and where there was a choice I asked for them to be together because they're close and not alike enough to be confused with one another. Once they were in separate classes- that was fine too, but it's simpler if they have the same teacher and work! They are in high school now and still mostly together. My understanding of late from talking to their teachers is that it's now thought better to keep twins together rather than assuming that separation is better. They do default to being each other's best friend & thus don't necessarily seek out new or close friends as much as they might if not twins. I'm conscious that there still may be upcoming issues when one of them does split off more or find their own exclusive friend or friend group. But generally I think always having a nearby buddy who gets them has been nothing but beneficial.

My b/g DTs went to a small nursery together and then have been in the same class at school (now y3). At the end of year 1 school wanted to split them into separate classes, we refused it. They’ve had separate and also overlapping friends all the way through, they play together on occasion with a group of other kids and look out for each other but aren’t in each other’s pockets. They’re treated as individuals by everyone, and I didn’t draw attention to the fact they’re twins when they started school, people just kind of figured it out. They both choose individual invites to send out for their birthday party and get invited to parties either separately or jointly depending upon whether the kid inviting is friends with one or both.

I was dead set against splitting them up when school said about it because mine are at their best when they know their twin is around somewhere nearish or what they’re doing, and are very disruptive if they are apart because they go looking for the other. Not in a co-dependent way, I’d guess more security blanket.

I have taught twins in a very small village primary - and it worked well because other siblings were also in classes together and as teachers we all tried to keep any siblings in separate groups.

This approach always helped sets of twins to have their own friends and other families were able to see them as individuals too - no shared birthday invites 'just because' of being a twin etc.

If the small school is the one that feels right, then speak to the teachers about how they envisage it working.

I have twins of my own and they attended a larger school where they were mainly in separate classes (came together for PE and Music). It worked well for mine as they developed their own friendships.

They were still mixed up by some staff which always annoyed them - and asked to go to separate secondary schools despite my reasoning that it would be a much bigger environment and would be much less likely to happen. Both of mine thrived when they didn't have their brother at the same school - yet are best friends with each other and choose to do a fair amount together now as young adults.

My boy girl twins have always been at separate schools which I know is unusual. They went to small single sex prep schools and then onto single sex private schools. Not exactly what I planned but that’s how it worked out for various reasons.

I agonised over it at the time but they’ve always been very independent of each other and also very competitive. They are close but also wind each other up something crazy.

They both have strong and very different personalities and are what I would say leaders of their friendship groups. They are both sporty and energetic and even now constantly interrupt each other or talk at the same time - it’s like they always need to have our individual attention.

So having seen what they’re like I think it was the right decision and they have always been very happy about not being at the same school. The space away from each other has enabled them to remain close as siblings. They have both been suited to single sex environments. DD is moving schools for sixth form and had the opportunity to join her brother’s school as they take girls in year 12 but neither of them were keen to be together even in a massive 6th form!

so I think it really depends on the twins and boy girl twins are probably the most suited to being separated. I would have thought very differently if mine were identical or same sex. Mine are so different they don’t even look related, you’d hardly even know they were siblings!

My identical boys are in a one form entry school. They share a friendship group (class of 25-30) but are sat in sepeate tables. Nursery were great at encouraging individual play and they would but they'd also always go find each other at some point too.
I think individual identities starts at home. My boys have different quirks and tastes, they get to choose their own clothes so can choose differently, they get their own birthday money and are encouraged to make their own choices. But also, they're also allowed to dress the same and copy each other. It doesn't have to be all one of the other.
The biggest issue for us really is they look so alike the other kids get them muddled so we put different hair bobbles in them (they have long hair) which stops the constant "which one are you?"

When my DC were in primary the school asked the parents re splitting up or not. It varied in Receotion, but by year 1 (they changed the classes round), they were all split across the year (3 form entry). I knew a couple of twin mums well, and this is what they said.

My twins are ten now. They go to a small village primary so no splitting. In all honesty there have been no issues although I did used to have concerns. They both have quite strong personalities and their own friendships (these overlap as only 6 other girls in the class and 10 boys in the class so it’s a small pool) but have a strong bond too.

Ive always been quite easy going and child led so girls don’t dress the same unless choosing to rock the “twin thing”. I think I’ve had it easier as they are both clever, athletic, articulate etc I have tried to encourage their own interests so both musical and sing at a choir but play different instruments etc.

My sister and I were together through primary because we were at a really small school so no opportunity to be separated. I wouldn’t have had it any other way, my sister and I agree that those were some of the best years of our lives. We had a small but somewhat fluid friendship group. We were never ‘the twins’ but we had each other as a home base if we needed. We were in the same class in our first year of high school because the classes were organised alphabetically. We had some common friends that year and then other different friends that we spent time apart with. Our first ‘separation’ was the following year when our form classes were different and we’d chosen slightly different subjects. We usually met up at breaks, but not always. That continued for the rest of our time at school. We were always very close, but our different subject interests meant we were usually in different classes. Only one teacher openly compared us - she was fascinated that we had similar answers to exam questions in her subject, but we studied together so we knew the same things! We’re still very close, and quite similar, but very different in lots of ways. People just do develop differently - even in the womb, our experiences are different and so we gradually become our own people. However, if your twins are close and enjoy spending time together, then I can’t understand why you would force them to be apart - not unless, as I said before, there is a good educational reason to do so. My twins have had a very similar upbringing to my sister and I, they are now out of school and pursuing some similar, but some different interests. They are somewhat the same, but a lot different. They are very close, but happily spend time apart. They agree with me that having a twin sibling is the most precious thing and they treasure their relationship.

My girls also look really alike. They are in a small pre-school and everyone including teachers and kids get them mixed up. We try to encourage them to be different but they themselves want to dress exactly the same and don’t want anything different 😅

We have the option of sending them to a one form entry or a 3 form entry for reception, and at the moment I’m more inclined to go for then bigger school so they can go to different classes and don’t get mixed up or being treated as a unit.

My girls have never been apart. I have a little concern re: the smaller twin who is more sensitive not coping with the separation. The bigger school has a blanket policy of separating twins but I hope they are open to discussions if things don’t go as well as hoped.

When you’re ready, yes. Having my twin gave me confidence to make friends and we had different sets of friends apart from one shared one.

Having a built- in best friend - but not one you depend on - was fabulous

I have twins and have taught twins and I would always opt for separation if possible. One of the important aspects of school is having your own space, working things out for yourself etc and it’s very hard for twins do that if they’re in the same class. I also think that the earlier it’s done the better - in Reception the curriculum is relaxed and play based and a much more emotionally supportive environment than the later years of Primary.