4+ school entry: what can nurseries disclose to potential schools in references?

[Stranger3]

Hello - would be very grateful for any advice, and if there is a better place to post this I would also appreciate guidance. i have a 4 yr old DD who is shy and quiet but highly verbal, very bright, and happy at home - just not proactively engaging with other children at school. She only started nursery in September and is getting more confident all the time but the nursery keep stressing that she is not 'initiating' communication or play. I have two elder daughters who were very similar - both now highly sociable and doing great academically too - no ND.
the nursery have suggested a possibility of ND - i am open to exploring it but have simply said i want to wait a few months as i am not convinced it is needed and want to see how she evolves (she is changing all the time). They have suggested some SALT sessions at nursery to just help bolster her confidence in communication - which I have agreed to.
We have been applying to some private schools and they will likely be asking the nursery for reference at some point around assessment time (mostly January). When i asked the nursery whether they would be mentioning the possibility (in their view) of ND to the schools, they said they wouldnt be mentioning it on any reports but would say 'its a possibility' if the potential school calls them and asks - for instance on the basis of the assessment 'if they spot something'. My question is - is this appropriate? There is no diagnosis at this point. Even if there was a diagnosis - is this not confidential information which it is up to me to disclose to any potential schools? i may well be wrong - so would appreciate input from those who know. I have no intention of hiding anything from schools if and when we received a diagnosis - but I am not remotely convinced there will be one, and in any case i would like to have control of the very personal decision of when and how to share this.

Thank you so much in advance

I don’t know what’s allowed specifically - but depending on the nursery they can word references in a way which very politely tells the school that they don’t think a DC is suitable for them. It’s subtle and probably not anything you’d be able to challenge - something like ‘X is starting by to show more interest in playing with peers’ in reality means ‘X currently isn’t very social’ (or swap for ‘listening to instructions’ / ‘sitting still’ whatever).

People who hate the idea of 4+ will hate that!

But if it’s a nursery that sends lots of kids to that school, they’ll want to keep their rep of suggesting suitable children. And it’s also probably not in a child’s interests to go to a school that’s not set up for them.

It would be in the child's best interests to mention social skills (or any other difficulties). Then the school can be prepared when they start rather than waiting months for them to observe any difficulties on their own before intervening.

It shouldn't put the school off if it's how you describe. If it was aggression/frustration/meltdowns it might, but nothing you've mentioned sounds like that. And presumably a private school would do their own interview/assessment/stay and play before offering a place so would notice anyway?

thank you both for your responses. no there is nothing challenging at all about her behaviour - she is happy, just quiet. Follows instructions, very bright (ahead academically they say), very well behaved. So i am not sure that it is in her best interests if rather than just saying that - that she is quiet and shy - the school says that ND is a possibility. According to the nursery itself she doesnt require any special arrangements and in fact we are only going for the schools now hte nursery has suggested. But I worry that 'possible ND' is not appropriate really (was asking if it is even allowed) and will make the schools assume the problems are more serious than they are.
not entirely sure what i can do about this though. but it is frustrating imagining a situation where the school calls the nursery and says 'she did well but was a bit quiet in the assessment' and the nursery says 'yes we think she is ND'. I know it wouldnt necessarily put schools off but i am sure it would some - and if she in fact doesnt have ND then it's just the wrong outcome.
thank you again for the thoughts.