Child missing play to support other children

[RobEmily]

Not quite sure which topic to put this under… but it recently came to our attention that our year 4 daughter had been invited to attend a “calm group” at school for children who are struggling on the playground.

Finding out my daughter went came as a bit of a shock as she’s never had any issues and we were not informed about it. I asked the teacher at parents evening what the group was for and why my daughter went. She told me the group is for children who are struggling on the playground but that she had invited my daughter to attend as she is an excellent role model for others. She said my daughter obviously does not know that’s why she was invited but, while other children have to go, my daughter was invited and is aware she doesn’t have to.

Indeed, she said she’d asked her to go twice a week and my daughter had said no to the other day so she could go to football club and that was fine. We said we weren’t sure we wanted her to go, and the teacher said that was fine - it was up to her and us.

I asked my daughter and she says she wants to go as she likes the board games and crafts they do. So we left it at that.

However, she also goes to clubs (open to everyone ie football, art club etc) on four other days a week and recently she seems to be having a few more issues on the one day she is on the playground with people not letting her join in.

Nothing I think is serious, but she did say to me totally unprompted that she thinks the issue is she is on the playground so little that her friends are all involved in a game or doing a dance routine from other days that they want to finish and it doesn’t include her.

I said maybe drop calm or sewing club then. But she didn’t want to.

My husband I really feel she should drop out of calm. She’s not there for her benefit and now it’s impacting friendships on the playground.

So my question is would you force her to drop it? And if so would you tell her she can’t go, tell her more of the truth of the club or tell the teacher to say something like others need a turn so she can’t go now? or would you let her make her own mind up?

I would speak to the school. They should be rotating the children invited to the calm group to avoid issues like this.

Don't make her drop it. The school should be telling her it's someone else's turn.

she sounds pretty articulate and smart. I’d let her make her own choices. She’s identified why she’s being left out and is still going to her clubs. When / if it comes back up in conversation you can remind her she can choose to stop one of her lunchtime clubs.

If she has truly been allowed to choose for herself if she goes or not then I think it’s up to her. Some kids just like to to do all the things. Especially in the winter when it’s cold on the playground! She’s made the connection between clubs and her occasionally feeling a bit left out herself, now she can decide which one matter or her more. Give her another couple of weeks and she may change her mind naturally. Make it clear that she can stop going whenever she wants with issues and then leave it up to her.

This happened to my ds. He thought he had to go to a certain club every day as he had been asked as a good role model. It meant he wasn’t playing with his actual friends and started to get upset and feel left out. I spoke to the teacher who selected other children to go. My ds still attends one day a week (he’s part of a class and inclusion is a good skill for him to learn) but the other days he’s on the playground with his friends.

What are they doing in "calm club"? You've stated that she isn't there for her benefit but if it's just a sort of small-group, indoor alternative to playground time then her enjoyment seems like all the benefit there needs to be just like art club.

I think I would leave the actual decision with her (she sounds like a wise girl who knows her own mind) but perhaps you can help her consider options she hasn't thought of. Would it be possible to rotate her activities every few weeks instead of daily? Schools ask for different things in terms of club commitments but many will let them rotate every half term or even more frequently, so she could pick 3 things to do per week for 1-3 days each and then switch at the half-term. That would a) de-escalate the importance of each decision - she's not saying no to calm club or playground or football or art indefinitely, just for a few weeks and b) let her have more continuity on a daily basis

Don't make her drop it. She's already aware of the consequences of her clubs and as long as you make clear you'll support whatever she decides then she'll figure it out.

This.

Thank you some really good advice and a general consensus to let her choose I think!