My child is being hurt in school by another child

[Ralocon]

Hello to all who read this thread

Im mum to a junior infant who started mainstream primary this year. Shes 5yo. From week 1 she has reported incidences of another child punching, kicking, pushing, spitting and hair pulling and I've never felt so helpless.

I believe the child who is hurting her has some special needs and behavioural challenges and they have an SNA assigned. I do not know the extent of these challenges.

However, over the last 3 weeks I've had 4 calls from the school advising that she has sustained some nasty injuries at the hands of this child. These were nail scratches, a punch to the head and a kick to her stomach. Important to note that she is not the only child in the class being subjected to this behaviour.

The school tell me they are working to better understand the underlying challenges with the family and are enhancing monitoring protocols in the play areas. They're being really nice and are very engaging with me but I can't help but feel that it isn't enough. My baby is essentially being physically assaulted regularly (I can't actually belive I've written that sentence 😭)

The schools behavioural code of conduct is quite vague and caveats the application of sanction based on individual child's needs. I have a meeting with the school at the end of this week and would love some advice on what questions to bring to the conversations. Im angry and heartbroken and am trying not to lead with emotion.

I am very sensitive to the needs of others and have the upmost respect for all parents who navigate special needs. I dont wish to judge in any way but also must ensure to safeguard my little girl and ensure she is safe from harm during school hours.

All support or advise will be so appreciated

Thanks so much x

We had a very similar situation although DS was older. Document every incident so that you have a detailed picture of exactly what’s happening and how the school react.

Email in after every incident and check that your meeting is with the Head or Safeguarding lead “to discuss how you are going to keep my child safe at school”

If this doesn’t improve then I would seriously consider keeping her off school until she is safe. They may need the other child to be kept away from the class particularly during breaks etc - so with a 1:1 in a different part of the playground/ nurture group etc.

Questions I would ask would be:
what appear to be the triggers?
what can be done to reduce / remove the triggers?
Does this happen in class time or in break / PE / unstructured time?
What is the escalation should this keep happening?

The other thing we asked was ‘would it help the school to secure additional funding / support if we can provide lots of evidence of parental complaints - including taking it to govenors if that would help you’.

This meant that we were being helpful a d working together with the school at pushing towards the ultimate solution which was the child getting an EHCP, proper support and then the behaviour reduced significantly as a result.

Often their hands are tied by the ‘inclusion first’ approach and the complete absence of any other specialist settings etc that could help
kids like this.

Above is great advice.
Also lobby your local MP, this is a direct result of funding cuts to schools at the same time as SEN needs of children increasing. They need more staff to keep everyone safe and can’t afford it.

If a child is repeatedly attacking your child, SEN or not, it’s unacceptable. The fact you’re being given a heads up like it’s nothing is also unacceptable. The school are failing their duty of care towards your, and other, children.

I’d escalate this and if you get nowhere, take legal action. The SEN child isn’t suited for mainstream and shouldn’t subject others to constant attacks.

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I recently pulled my reception age daughter out for identical reasons. Kid with Sen assaulting and battering her. Sneering poo on her. The mother was useless. The school are failing to safe guard your daughter. Like they did mine.

I know what you're going through it's awful and you'll get a lot of apologists along saying put up with it because he has a right to an education.

my advice would be look to move. Inform school they are failing to safeguard your child.

poor little thing :( really feel for you x

You, and the parents of all the children affected should put in writing your concerns to the headteacher. Be clear about what you know to have happened and ask them what they are doing to ensure your child's safety while at school. Tell them if it continues you will escalate things (formal complaint to the board).

Similar happened to my son, and others in his class. I did this on advice from teacher friends who told me that the child causing harm to others wouldn't be dealt with until formal concerns had been raised by parents. The teacher telling the school there were issued wasn't enough.
The school listened to me and others. The child was given additional support (one to one for a while). He soon settled down and stop hurting others and disrupting the class, eventually forming friendships with several of the kids. DS ended up in a different class group the following year anyway. To my knowledge years later there have been no further violent incidents instigated by the lad.

I am a primary teacher, in regard to the comments about moving her just be aware every class in the country has at least one child struggling and displaying these behaviours at the moment unfortunately. We are at crisis point. I did supply for 3 years until 2 years ago so have experience in multiple schools. This is a wider issue than one school.
i say this because writing a letter may result in the school pulling a staff member into that class, but this will be at the cost of other children who also need that staff member. There is no money. Please do be aware.
I'm so sorry this is happening to your daughter.

Thanks so so much for this great advice. Its helped a lot to shift my mind from an anger to practical forward action.

I have documented incidents and also document all the feedback Im getting from my daughter (which is every other day). Ive taken photos of the injuries and have requested copies of incident reports from the school.

I get the sense that although this child has an SNA, the school was unaware of the extent of the needs and/or the sensory overload in a school environment is just causing overload which is compounding the behaviours. Again, im very inexperienced when it comes to SEN and a little ignorant of the applied methods re assistance etc.

Im finding it tough trying to explain things to her using appropriate language. Im scared that shes learning that it's actually OK for some children to hurt her but not all (based on things shes said).

Im probably rambling now but again, thanks so much for the thoughtful advice. You've really helped x

Hi there

Thanks so much for your comment. The more im reading Im learning that this is in fact the case.

Im trying hard to be reasonable and to consider the sensitivities on all sides. That said, Im also learning that these issues really aren't discussed enough from any sides perspective. It must be so hard for teachers to navigate these situations with such limited support systems in place and likely become targets for angry parents like me.

I think i have some uncomfortable conversations and tough decisions ahead

Thanks again.. really appreciate your input x

you are being kind - too kind.
your job is to advocate hard for your daughter tell school that you don’t want info re other child but you need a plan to safeguard your daughter.

Just coming on to also say that yes, all schools are struggling. But not every class has a child who is bullying reception aged children to the point they are being injured. DD started in September, I moved her in October. She was coming home with poo on her, bumps and lumps on her head, bruises and kick marks.

she hasn't come home with a single mark at her lovely new school.
if you feel in your gut that the right thing is to move her then please do it. But make merry hell about it. Make the governors aware, the local MP, other parents aware. The school are failing your little girl and she is being abused by another child now matter how it's dressed up in the name of 'Inclusivity.' Whether the child has SEN or not it doesn't change the profound impact it has on your daughter.

advocate for her, the school aren't doing enough for her and are letting her down. Us as mums trust these teachers with our kids lives, willingly dropping them off in the morning to have them in their care all day.

before I moved DD I pulled her out and kept her off until they had better provisions in place. She went back, and that's when she had poo smeared on her. She never step foot in that school again.

I assume you are in Ireland based on your reference to Junior Infants? If so, some of the advice re MPs/governors etc isn't really relevant.

That said, a lot of the advice is excellent. I have been in a similar situation. What helped with me was putting everything in writing so when you go in to the meeting bring a written account of everything that has happened and list what you want to happen. The list of what you want to happen needs to focus on your child so asking what they will do to keep your child safe etc. Follow up with written minutes sent to the school. You should also go through their bullying policy, school mission statement and whatever other procedures are relevant and use excerpts from that where appropriate e.g they want to provide an environment in which every child will flourish etc.

My SEN child has no school place because the school said they couldn’t have him due to the safety of others. I’m angry my child is being failed but it’s not fair on anyone when these kids are forced into mainstream school. So it can be done. Keep on about safety and their legal duty to keep your child safe

Are these reception children who have just started? I ask because my SEN child was that child until her needs were understood (in her case they became apparent when she was slightly older when schooling got more formal), and then the school had to try various things to figure out what did and didn't work. It took half a term to get enough support in place that the meltdowns reduced (at least in school), and just over a year to get her EHCP. If this child already has a 1 to 1, they probably already have the EHCP but unfortunately it will take time for the staff to learn the triggers, and what support / Adjustments work. Saying that, your DD shouldn't be being hurt in the meantime, and they should be putting something in place to stop that. It's also worth noting that while some SEN children can thrive in mainstream, and for some like my DD it's the best of the bad options, a lot of kids are there because there are no special school places available.

I appreciate this message so much!!

My heart goes out to you. I can't begin to imagine how hard that must be for your family. All children deserve safe access to education and in an environment where they can thrive xx