Clubs - keep ballet? Drop clubs for life balance?

[Kentmum84]

DD does a lot of clubs. Mainly sports netball, cricket, swimming and tennis but also art and ballet.

They are pretty good/competitive at the above sports (which brings club fixtures as well as school fixtures with it) and very good at art which is an absolute love (to the extent we would factor in art departments at secondary level choice time). Her school think she could go for a sports/art scholarship if we went down the private route (it makes minimal fee difference in our area so I’m not hung up on this at all, just want a happy child). School however are obsessed with saying how many kids got scholarships….

However, DD is distinctly mediocre at ballet and the ballet teaching at their school is definitely not impressive. I do think when going to watch weeks you can now spot the natural dancers………BUT DD says she loves ballet and wants to do it (along with the other clubs she does). She is a busy child and loves this.

However, we live in a grammar area and the private options she likes at are also pretty selective. They are achievable for her I think but it will require a fair bit of slog and preparation. My worry is given all of her commitments it is going to make her day very long as clubs finishes at 5.45/6 at prep. She gets tired. I don’t want it to feel like every night she does her club, gets home, does piano practice, does homework work, eats does 11+ /iseb work, goes to bed, reads for 30 min has lights out. I want her to have time to read for as long as she likes , play (she does play with younger siblings) even watch a movie. As it is she is already very disciplined about her sports, piano and homework.

I would prefer her to cut back on clubs. We let her try lots of things at pre prep and thought she would have narrowed down by now but she hasn’t, only they now finish much later.😞 do I force it? Do I say look ballet isn’t a natural thing you need to drop that? Although that seems mean. Do I insist she narrows down her sports more as frankly it seems too much? She has bitterly resisted gentle approaches to cutting back and got very upset. I suppose I imagined a happy childhood being a bit more relaxed but she insists being active is what makes her happy. Only it makes me feel uncomfortable. Is this a me issue? Or should I put my foot down and insist it’s for her wellbeing? We are quite different personalities and I need calm wind down time to feel myself.

how do people navigate this?

Few children would be happy to give up a hobby in order to make space for 11+ cramming sessions. On that basis i think you must take an executive parenting decision and tell her that you are very sorry ballet will have to stop because it’s important she passes 11+. You don’t need to say she sucks at ballet! You can say to her that once she is at secondary school she can try tap or drama with dance or something to pacify her.

Ps i would look closely at what she’s reading and make sure it’s a proper stretch (at least 5 unfamiliar words per double-page spread). It’s very sensible to use her reading time to push her vocabulary and comprehension. Buy her a good quality dictionary and a notebook to keep track of words she doesn’t know.

What are the non selective choices like... Will she be able to do her art and sports there?

It does seem a bit of a swizzfor a Prep school to fully prep the children for their next step.

How old is she and what year ? Am assuming y6 given your post. If so you could just frame it as temporary (and as pp said don’t frame it as being rubbish at ballet ;), I did it as a child and continued dance as a student and now old 30s even, even though dreadful, it brings so much positives even if you suck :), healthy activity, fun etc).
It’s always good to be realistic about her acceptance options though if you think the schools are a reach and they are the ones you wish, if in year 6 a few months of gently phrased scaled down activities will not hurt long term if you think there is a big difference in secondary options

Why not just send her to a school she doesn’t need intensive tutoring to get into? Her life sounds utterly joyless and over-scheduled.

it’s difficult as a stranger to know whether your child is over scheduled or happily busy however, the concern I would have is that if they need this much prep and support to get into the school, they will struggle when they get there.

Appreciate you think that their best chance in life is to be given the best education. There is however no such thing as an objective best education, only what is best for the individual child.

it really doesn’t seem fair that they would be forced to give up what they enjoy in order to get into a school which might not on consideration be right for them.

only you really can judge that.

This. When does she just get to hang out? Life is all about balance.

So what if she’s mediocre at ballet? It’s not a great if you pull her out of going something she loves just because she’s not top of the class.

I understand joyless concerns as it is a lot but my issue is the sport is all about joy for her. The one day she doesn’t have sport she thinks is a bit rubbish. She absolutely loves it and would do more of it if we let her (county/club in several and we have had to be quite firm with coaches about reigning in training and turned down a regional spot due to the extra time commitment). That much sport would have made me miserable but it is something that makes her light up. I will hopefully be saying after pickup “maybe we skip this one?” as I watch the rain pour down and she will still insist on me driving her just in case it “turns to drizzle” then will happily play away.

@Jk987 I don’t really care that she is mediocre but I feel something has to give for wind down time. It’s a lot harder to convince a county level player to drop a sport. My hope is we can perhaps avoid the battle of the century if it’s ballet, even if it is something that brings her joy. The art she also loves and as it is probably the one thing she does that is low energy I embrace it. I think it gives her a bit of a mindfulness reset as well as a physical break and is something you can keep as a hobby into old age.

We wouldn’t be prepping more than her peers as this is a grammar area and most children prep from the start yr 5 on (lots start earlier in y4) we are looking to start at Christmas as the exam isn’t until September and don’t want her to be bored to tears. Equally, it would be a comparable stretch to other candidates as it is a competitive application process vs her being a long shot candidate. School think her odds are good for the selective but a bigger stretch for the super selective. However, 15-20 min a day or a couple of hours a week is still more of a time commitment which makes me nervous. If we drop ballet we could do 45-1hr on ballet night and then skip any prep in netball or swim nights.

The local non selective state options (which don’t have a faith selection criteria) don’t offer the sports she is after. Obviously the independents do but VAT would make this a stretch (would have to cancel family holidays, house works, stretch out mortgage repayment timeline etc). It’s also possible taxes are about to go up so it might be even more of a stretch than anticipated. So obviously keen to make the best state option work.

@Aoap78 this is very helpful. I had wondered as she isn’t naturally brilliant if it was a case of only a matter of time before she drops it. However, if it is something that can bring a longer life long joy for those that are more average it’s something we need to consider seriously.

@Ariadknee really good tip to make use of time she is already using with the dictionary. Also you are right I need to double check her reading books for new vocabulary and stretch as this would be a natural way to prepare and she loves reading anyway. Also the promise of resuming ballet or another dance post tests might help. Perhaps stressing it will be temporary and promising a fun dance course in the summer to compensate will help.

Thank you all for the ideas! Any insight from parents with sports mad children on how they achieve balance (when it’s all their dc want to do) is very much appreciated.

I should also add that the two grammar options are also very good/the best at netball in the state sector (which is one of her main sports). So she is pretty motivated to apply from a sports perspective as well as an academic one. If academically they are the right fit post 11+ they would therefore also likely be one of the best all-round fits for her too. I know a few people mentioned concern about trying to push her into an academic schools if her interests lay elsewhere, and another non selective option might potentially cater to these better, but we did (and have to) factor in sports too. She would likely also still keep up club swimming and the super selective is closest to this but we would happily drive her.

Do you think that there's any possibility that the fact that she is mediocre at ballet is actually part of the attraction of it? It's down time when she doesn't have to be "on" all the time? She sounds like she is a fairly high achiever at all the other things she does and whilst it is of course good to excel at lots of things it can also be pretty exhausting. Maybe just being ok at something, being one of the group but not standing out, not having massively high expectations is actually a bonus?
I can see where you are coming from OP but I would be wary of making her cut an activity that she enjoys on the basis that it's something she doesn't excel at. Even if completely unintentional it does potentially give the message that "winning" matters more than anything else.
Are there any compromise options? Do ballet and something else on alternate weeks? Take short breaks from more than one activity?
In reality, as she gets older she will need to reduce her extracurricular activities, both to accomodate school work but also because if she's got sporting talent the demands will get to the point where if she really wants to progress in one sport she won't have time for all the others and there may be technique/training conflicts between disparate sports anyway. But at primary school level I'd say she really should be having fun and trying lots of activities. I coach a kids sport and some of my current cohort are national age group champions but we still encourage them to do lots of other stuff at this stage.

@MrsAvocet this is very perceptive and not something I had considered. Thinking about it I can’t ever recall her mentioning how she could be better at ballet, only that she likes it. In her other sports she is very, very competitive, she absolutely loves them but wants to win and is always looking to be better, very focussed, very driven etc. I hadn’t considered the unintentional message about “winning” being the most important thing by cutting ballet, but you are quite right, and if anything we are trying to reduce her focus on this. My husband worries less about her time commitment with clubs than I do as he says he finds a run/spin session after work settles him so clubs for her are likely the same (I read my book, have a bath, early night etc so v different). Perhaps ballet is the most low pressure way she achieves this outlet that which is why she likes it.

Good tip on seeing if we can rotate some things out vs cutting one specific club. I hadn’t considered that. It’s possible some coaches might be more amenable to this particularly if we maybe had some 1:1s in the holidays or a holiday course. They are all very fond of her and in many ways relate to her high energy/ full on element a little better than I do. I just really want her to have one calm evening week for 11+ prep and an early night. I think one evening a week and some weekend test prep will likely be enough.

You mention you coach national age group champions so I imagine you are used to similar personalities/energetic children. Should they be having a few evenings just for down time or is it a case that my husband has a point and for some kids being physically active/creative is part of their downtime after a day of concentrating (where again her teachers say she is very focussed) in school? I want to get the balance right as her parent.

That's a really difficult question @Kentmum84 - I'm not sure there's a one size fits all answer.
But from my experience as a coach and as a mother I would say that the most important thing is to keep extracurriculars fun and to keep things in perspective. We all want the best for our kids and if they have talent it is natural that we want to give them every opportunity to develop it. Walking the line between giving them opportunities and letting their "thing" take over life can be tricky. It's usually pretty obvious and comparatively easy to deal with when parents are pushing reluctant children, but when the child wants to do things it's trickier because even though they enjoy doing their activities intensively it's not necessarily in their best interests - over training can still have negative physical and mental effects. Recovery time is important, even for adult professional athletes and for children I feel strongly that time to just be a kid is crucial to their well being, even if they don't actively ask for it. When I did my coaching qualifications we were taught that a child shouldn't do more hours of sport in a week than their age in years, and that includes everything - club activities, school sports, family activities etc. Obviously that will be too much for some children and others may be ok with a little more, but it's a good ball park figure. If your DD is doing significantly more hours than that you might want reassess things.

@Kentmum84 A couple of things strike me here. Firstly, ballet is not a sport, it is a performing art, and is not competitive. It is about individual enjoyment and steady progress. That could well be why she likes it. She's not competing with other kids all the time.

Secondly, am I right in thinking that her ballet class is at an after-school club? If it is, and you are seeing other children who appear better than she is, chances are they already do dance classes elsewhere and the school club is just an extra.
You say the ballet teaching at their school is definitely not impressive so who is the teacher? Are they an independent professionally qualified ballet teacher?