Anxiety around school and teacher's feedback

[Zara357]

Hi everyone,
I’m just looking for some advice or reassurance really. My little one has recently turned 4 and started school this year. Her teacher mentioned that she doesn’t always participate much during lessons and is a bit behind compared to some of the other children. She also said my daughter doesn’t always follow cues – for example, if the children are lining up, she doesn’t automatically join in unless someone goes over to tell her.

At drop-offs she still cries quite a lot ad says she doesn’t want to go to school, which has been really hard. I’ve reached out to the early help to see if we can get a bit more support, because she seems genuinely unhappy about school at the moment. The teacher also mentioned she doesn’t interact much with other kids, but at home she plays really well with her siblings and a couple of friends, so I’m not sure what’s behind it.

I’ll definitely be helping her with the areas the teacher said she’s struggling with, but she’s only 4 and I can’t help wondering if maybe she just needs more time to adjust. I’m also not sure if the teacher is being completely fair or expecting a bit too much at this stage. Has anyone else been through something similar, or could this be a sign of additional needs?

I don’t think the teacher is being unfair, just realistic. Playing at home with siblings or very well known friends, with you present, is not her playing with others without a parent, which at 4 she would be expected to do.

Crying at drop off isn’t unusual but getting her settled with friends will be the key. Can you get to know other parents and meet up so your daughter can make friends?
With regards to not following cues this would also stand out to me (I’m a reception teacher). Let her do more things herself at home so stop yourself from telling her what to do next or doing it for her and give her instructions or see if she can use her own initiative to do things. I find with some children they are so used to everything being done for them they aren’t used to having to think for themselves.

Get another meeting with the teacher and see anything else she suggests.

Has the teacher said this over a period of time? So after school pick ups or all at once at parents evening?
she’s one of the younger ones if she recently turned 4 so I always think that the younger ones in reception compared to the ones who are beginning to turn 5 it’s a big difference.
When she says about her not lining up is she ignoring them or not wanting to do it? Maybe you get her a hearing test to rule anything like that out?
has she had a sight test? Children can often display behaviours if they struggle with this and I think it’s sometimes not something you automatically think of, opticians can do it for young children so maybe it’s worth doing that? this then rules a couple of things out.
As you have said it’s still extremely new for her, so maybe it will just take her longer to adjust and sometimes they do and that’s ok.
But maybe ask for a meeting with school to discuss more x

Thanks for your reply and you are right I didn't think teacher was being unfair. I was concerned even before I went in for the meeting as she has been really anxious about school from day one. I am also worried that she doesn't interact with other kids much whenever I ask her if she made any friends she doesn't reply, she seems very withdrawn. Am I right to be worried or am I just overthinking?

Did your DD attend any preschool nursery or formal setting? If not then this is all new to her so she is finding her feet. She will need time to settle, usually by Christmas this is all so much better.

Secondly, I agree with @sparrowhawkhere with letting her get on with stuff at home. Your choice of language is interesting, "little one" and "she's only 4" they are all 4 and they are all little but I have a feeling you might do a lot for her. For example, when mine started preschool at 3 we were told that every morning they are given a carton of milk, they remove the straw themselves and put it into the carton. Lots of parents were really horrified, won't they squeeze it and spill it sort of questions. Not if you teach them to pull the tabs out from the sides.

At school they would collect a tray for lunch, so from 4, and after they had finished they will take their tray back, scrape out any remaining food, empty their water glass and put their cutlery into the right bin. At home how many parents will clear a table and the child just gets leaves? You could easily remove food from her plate to yours and she takes it through to the kitchen, she could also wipe the table, cross body actions (where the hand crosses over the middle of the body) are really good for development.

Get her to start taking responsibility for things, daily tidying, ask her questions about what she needs to do next when getting ready for school. Don't do it all for her. So when you finish eating ask her what do we do now? Then say we clear the table. Pretty soon she will know to do this, verbalise it. Narrate your day, that also helps with language. Yes, I know she seems small but she is also very capable. Use lots of positive language, more do this than don't do that. In school you name the behaviour you want to see so walking please rather than no running.

Talk to her teacher and ask who she plays with. Maybe ask her what the best thing about school was today. Set her up for that, she knows you will ask it so her brain looks for good things. It helps with a positive attitude to school. My own child struggled with school early on. These were all things suggested to us by his brilliant and lovely reception teacher. He is now an adult, with a job but I remember him worrying a lot about a lot of things.

Is she young in the year? There's such a massive difference between just past 3 and nearly 5. I think this might be a case of expectations that are too much for her. If she is summer born then allowances should be made - if you have concerns then for sure get them checked out but sometimes parents are made to feel very anxious when we forget that every child develops at their own pace - we say this a lot about babies but all patience goes out the window at school.

It's early days really, they've only been there 7 weeks and 4 years old IS little. School is a massive part of her day, yes - but maybe try and not make it everything. If she plays well at home, eats well, seems happy then I'd try and focus on that.

Has she had a hearing test? I’d want to rule out possible glue ear or similar which could be affecting her responsiveness and her desire to play with others.

I agree about the hearing test - my DD had glue ear and we didn't spot it until she was 4yo.

Other than that I wouldn't worry too much OP. She's very young and it's early days. It's normal for her to be struggling a bit with the transition, and normal for you and the teacher to be in contact about how you can approach it and help her settle.

I would stop asking her at home time if she made friends that day! That is a) putting a lot of emphasis on the process of “making” friendships, and b) giving making friendships a level of priority both of which sound intimidating.

If you are finding that she doesn’t want to talk about her day then think of ways of finding out what happened by asking her off tangent questions, or saying something about your day , or something you noticed about school first.

“ I wonder if you saw anything blue in your classroom today? No? Was everything in your classroom yellow then? “

” I had such a lovely lunch today, a cheese sandwich , and I put some crisps inside so it went all crunchy. It made me feel so happy and put a big smile on my face. “

” Your teacher had some very nice boots on today, they were very shiny. I wonder if she will wear them to Forest school tomorrow instead of her wellies..”

Often direct questions are hard for some children to respond to, especially if they are tired from the stimulation of 6 hours in a busy classroom, they have so many new experiences daily it is hard to pin down what to talk about and they respond by answering monosyllabically , but coming at something indirectly can open up associated memories and ideas and allow a freer response.