Yr 2 DS has a coercive controlling friend

[abcd321]

To preface this, we are going to reach out to the school, probably directly to the headteacher but would really appreciate any advice as to the best way to approach this, what to expect as an outcome as well as any other advice as to how to support our DS.

DS has been at current school since Reception and has been for the most part relatively happy. It's a small school with a slightly out of balance boy/girl ratio in his year but he has found a friendship group and teachers have reported him as being happy.

Since Yr1 DS has had a frenemy, let's call him A who believes he's the leader of their friendship group and likes to command the group on what games to play, how to play them, reprimands other boys for not following his instructions etc. DS really struggled with this at the start of Yr1 believing the way that A bossed everyone around was unfair and was frustrated that the rest of the group would just follow A's instructions even when they clearly didn't want to. We advised DS to just let it go, that he couldn't control others but that he could control whether or not he wanted to follow along or play with other people. Ultimately, DS gave up the struggle after Christmas it seemed and toed the line along with the rest of the group. We didn't think much of it as DS appeared to be happier although there was one incident right before summer holidays where DS came home asking for money as A had told DS that he had to give him money to stay in the gang. Needless to say we didn't give him the money but we also didn't think much of it.

Fast forward to the start of Yr2 3 weeks ago and DS has started complaining about A again, except this year the behaviour has become a lot more sinister (for lack of a better word). A now seems to operate a dictatorship over the friendship group telling them what they can/can't do, who they can/can't play with or speak with. The boys live under the constant threat of being eliminated from the group unless they can abide by A's constant barrage of rules and are increasingly isolating themselves from other friendship groups under A's command.

What we have found even more alarming is particular targeted acts towards out DS, namely:

• A now requesting tangible things in return for DS remaining in his favour e.g. DS's chocolate cake at lunch which DS dutifully gave him
• On one particular day, having eliminated DS from the group, A subsequently taking issue with DS being sat at the Yr2 table, commanding him to stand up and move to the Yr3 table in front of every single child in the year. DS obliged and moved.
• A requesting DS to lick a half eaten cucumber from the floor in order to not be eliminated from the group - DS refused so A requested he just lick the floor instead which DS obliged to. DS later still got eliminated anyway.
• DS and the other friends often play with another older boy who, likely given his age, isn't bossed around by A. A has commanded them all to no longer play with the older boy resulting in all of them not being very nice to that boy when he approached them to play. Later when A was gone, they all went to ask the older boy to play but he no longer wanted to, probably because he was hurt by their prior rejection.

We have spoken to DS lots about drawing boundaries and not obliging to these requests but it just seems that the drive to remain within A's favour is too strong for sense. DS has had some prior trauma before starting school for which he is under CAMHS to help resolve. We worry that A can sense some vulnerabilities in DS somehow which is why he's targeting him.

We are worried that this behaviour has escalated quite rapidly in the short space of time that school has started. We don't know how schools typically handle these situations - we don't want DS to lose out on playing with his other friends. Any advice would be much appreciated.

You can’t move school every time there is trouble. There will be a child like A to some degree in every school. They like to be the boss, they like to have control over their friends. It’s not that unusual in small kids.

I would speak to the school of course but I would also try to get ds to understand the importance of boundaries and standing up to bullies. Forcing him to lick the floor in order to remain in the group (and him actually doing it!) is mad. He needs to know it’s better to be alone and have his integrity than part of a group where he is made to do things he is uncomfortable with. I know that this is hard to make a small child understand as obviously they don’t want to be ostracised but I do think trying to teach them these things young builds their character going forward.

I would also think about facilitating a play date with one of the other boys from the group but not A. Give them a chance to bond without A around and maybe they will break away from the group together?

You always go to the class teacher first. Head to escalate if things aren’t being dealt with.

Definitely talk to the school, OP. Class teacher first, then if it isn't resolved, head teacher.

Keep a note of all incidents with the dates.

I don't understand why you wouldn't have just asked to speak to the teacher at the end of the day and asked them how to progress your concerns. They will, of course, take it seriously.

The school will have a behaviour policy which should give you some information about the school's approach and if you report things of this nature to a school, it will all be shared across the school structure. You don't need to "charge in" or contact all levels of the hierarchy and every department. Class teacher first, follow everything up with emails and ask as many questions as you need to understand what they will be doing. Work alongside them and avoid labels for now if it's not your place to ascribe them.

Schools are notoriously shit at dealing with stuff like this.

I'd be going directly to the parents of the bully and telling them in no uncertain terms that I wouldn't tolerate this any further.

We had exactly this situation.

We got a load of examples and went to school saying they needed to intervene and the other child needed help.

We said the relationship was coercive.

We taught DS to identify who was his friends and who wasn't and taught him about healthy relationships.

It was awful and I wouldn't say the way the school sorted it was great.

They had to separate the boys into two groups which weren't allowed to mix at breaks and they rotated the groups keeping our child and the other in separate groups whilst not telling the parents why.

It allowed DS time away from the child to establish his own friendships better without interference.

The other child tried to break this rule on several occasions (thus demonstrating an unhealthy behaviour).

In our case there was violence being used against another child too and threats of violence.

Keep in mind this is bullying and they have a duty of care to safeguard your child. You want to get both school policies and note how the school are failing with both of them. This will make the school more likely to sit up and notice because you demonstrate how they are failing.

In our case the offender has eventually (after much resistance and intervention from SS) been diagnosed as autistic and having ADHD.

This is often used as an excuse by schools to not do anything. It is not an excuse if they are failing to prevent bullying and safeguarding.

The other child needs help to understand why his behaviour is unacceptable and your child needs support away from this child to build healthy relationships.

The class as a whole were given lessons in healthy relationships and how to model friendships which was useful too.

Yes go through due process

Class teacher first. Then escalate to head and whatever from there.

They will not help you if you don't go through due process.

You are not overreacting. If anything you’re underreacting and this needed to have been nipped in the bud sometime ago. You need to send full details of everything that you said in your post to the school. You need to ask them what they are going to do about it and you need to press for answers.

But why is he starting from a place where he seeks acceptance from people who harm him?

Child in DSs class absolutely was sadistic.

He was 7.

Things have much improved. SS ended up getting involved due to the nature of his behaviour.

Agree with this. You really should have already intervened. Get on top of it now.

Well, bluntly, this is on you, and I think your overblown language comes from guilt. I could quite well see that the child who bullied my DS and some peers in primary school was a profoundly troubled child with a neglectful upbringing and an aggressive mother who had MH problems, but, ultimately, my job was to listen to, protect and advocate for my child.

Class teacher first.

your child is being bullied and you need to advocate for your child.

Really work on his self esteem. Dh has very high self esteem and drilled into ours that if anyone is unkind to you simply walk away. I used to think he was too black and white but actually now think he is spot on.

Dd2 at this age had some issues not as bad as yours but was cold shouldered in her “friendship” group so her and a sweet boy would go and read their books in the school library. Just opted out. As a teen dd2 is the most popular girl there is and I think this strength in not accepting bad treatment is partly why.

Definitely get the school involved. If there are any boys or girls he gets on with who aren't part of this group I would try to arrange some playdates. I would also think about telling him you would prefer him not to play with people who take his food or tell him to lick the floor, but only if you think this would help, not if you think he might continue playing with the boy but stop telling you things.

Why would you go to the headteacher first? They’re not the person with first responsibility for your son (and his friends), nor the person who spends most time with them. Start - very seriously - with the class teacher.

Friendships and being included is a common currency in the world of children, it's all they have to bargain with really. However this boy is obviously using it in a more nuanced and controlling way than the average initiative 7 year old saying "I'll not be your friend if you dint do x,y and z". He is a child, however childhood isn't a time to indulge in behaviours untouchable to guidance or correction, and this behaviour csnt be allowed to continue, grow and possibly develop into adulthood.

It's classic bully, bully's side kick (just happy not to be as targeted so does whatever the bully says) and his little gang of "friends". It's textbook but this is a particularly serious case, and needs to he dealt with by the school. They're still young, the school should be actively getting the kids to seperate at breaks and play with others and have rests from the dynamic, hopefully that breaks things up a bit and they all get some breathing space.

I wouldn’t move schools, as your child may face the same issues elsewhere. There will always be bossy children.
My daughter (8) was friends with a girl who tried to control what and how they played, and she often lied. In Reception, my daughter believed her silly lies (e.g. saying she had a dog, but none appeared at a playdate) But constantly lied . I gradually distanced the friendship no more playdates and explained that if she didn’t like a game, she could simply walk away.
By Year 2/3, she did exactly that and walked away from the friendship. Now in Year 4, the bossy child has found another, quieter child to control sadly. You Need to teach child to walk away find new friends . It’s an important life lesson

It is bullying.
Document everything that has happened with dates if possible. Request a meeting with teacher and print out or email prior to the meeting so these are the centre of discussion.
I’d request for them to be kept apart if possible which has been implemented at our school in the past. If further incidents happen document these and if there is no improvement arrange to speak to the headteacher.
In our instance we also signed our dc up to a club outside school so it gave them an opportunity to make more friends so they became more confident. Choose something that they will enjoy.

Thank you for this. It's really good to hear an example from someone who has come through the other side. I think separating the group sounds like the best way forward but don't know how practical it is for the school given it's so small.

That's really great to hear. We're really working on it with our DS but it's a slow work in progress.

I really want this to be an option but unfortunately it's such a small school and there are so few boys in his year group (which is actually one of the larger intakes) that it's very hard. He has played with some of the other boys but they don't have shared interests. He does play with the girls sometimes as well but for the most part, the boys and girls play different games in his year, such is the mix of personalities.

I probably would have raised it with the class teacher after the first incident.

Make a safeguarding referral to SS about this child. Something must be going on in his life for him to be exhibiting this sort of behaviour especially things such as making someone lick the floor

If the school is small I would seriously reconsider relocating your son. It’s always a good idea to advocate for your child with schools, and to help children develop their self esteem. As I was reading your post I did wonder if child A has some kind of SEN, but even if they don’t, there’s something going on with that child that needs to be addressed. If you can I’d also try to exhibit concern for child A, because it sounds like an intervention of some sort may benefit them as well as the classmates they come into contact with. You may be better heard by the school if you approach it this way too. Ask to speak to the SENCO?