Holding nerve with primary school start?

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My son, who turned 4 in May, started reception a fortnight ago. He seemed to do quite well for the first week of short days, but things have been getting worse rather than better over the past week and a half.

Last week I was taken aside by the teacher several times at the end of the day to be told that his behaviour is not good - mainly being overly silly on the carpet and messing around. I have apologised and am trying to work through the importance of respect and good listening with him. Despite this, the same keeps happening and he is having to miss breaks and playtime repeatedly. Since the middle of last week he had been waking up in the night and screaming about not wanting to go to school. He’s shaking and seems terrified. This morning, he had a tearful meltdown at the school gate.

Obviously, I expected the process of starting reception to be an adjustment, but I am a bit concerned. He is usually an outgoing and sociable child who has no problem joining groups and playing with other children. He is bright and able to read and articulate well. He went to private nursery from the age of one, and has spent the last year at a (different!) school pre-school, so the general routine of the school day is not new to him.

I know that when he is unsettled it tends to manifest as silliness and acting out rather than shyness and tears. I also know that he can’t be allowed to behave poorly. But I worry that his anxiety is currently getting worse and worse and he is being punished more and more, and it’s become a negative cycle already. At his nursery and pre-school, they seemed able to understand how he dealt with change and he was always settled within a week or two of, for instance, a change of room or teacher.

What do I do? I’m currently holding my nerve and hoping that things settle down. But I don’t want to sit back and watch my son become a nervous wreck. There seems to be limited opportunity to speak with staff, other than when I am pulled aside at the end of the school day. I am beginning to wonder whether I should move him to another school with a warmer and more nurturing feel, or whether unsettling him again will just further exacerbate things.

Is this a state school? Missing breaks and playtime sounds counterproductive. He sounds very unsettled by the strict school day. What solutions has school suggested?

It’s unusual in reception to be missing breaks. That’s not common in primary generally and where it is used it tends to be older children.

Maybe ask for a meeting with the teacher and explain that he is anxious. There are various ways to help with settling - lots of 4 year olds struggle with carpet time and wobble cushions or mats are a common way of dealing with it.

what is he actually doing? Being “silly” could be a vast range of behaviour,

You can take him out and send him to a nicer school next September when he's more ready for school.

Sorry to hear this, OP. He shouldn’t be missing break times he clearly needs them very much! You need to speak to them. Get in touch and ask for a meeting.

If he is articulate can he explain to you what is upsetting him?

It sounds like his current behaviour is disruptive and is getting on his teacher's nerves. However perhaps she could be persuaded that an alternative punishment might be better so he can let off some steam at break time.

Missing playtime for being silly on the carpet during week 2 of reception is insane. Not only is he still adjusting but if anything I thought he’d need more movement breaks to try to crack the sitting nicely and not less. I’d seriously question what the teacher is thinking and how it’s supposed to help.

I'd have a big problem with a reception child being 'punished' by missing break time, full stop - let alone in the second week of school.

Sounds like the teacher isn't suited to working in early years.

That's my thoughts too. It's very counterproductive.

I teach Reception, OP. I would never keep a child in at playtime for 'being silly on the carpet' in September of Reception (later in the year, they might miss a few minutes if it's persistent behaviour). Until they have shown they can meet your expectations, you can't punish them for breaking the rules. Once they've proved they can follow them, it's different.

This does not sound like the right setting for your child. I wouldn't want to send my child to a school which punishes children who are still very much learning the rules. At this time of year, it's time out for hitting/hurting only. 'Silly behaviour' is dealt with firmly but fairly. I tend to use positive reinforcement, praising and giving my attention to those doing the right thing.

It's still very early days. Maybe they are lucky and have a class of little angels, making your son stand out. He'd blend right in in my classroom right now, as half the class are still 'silly' on the carpet. It's September, I'd expect nothing less!

I would get him out of there (and I don't ever say that lightly).