Anxious new starter

[MummyAtALoss]

I’m not sure what I’m hoping for here guys - advice, an ear to say I’m not going mad, reassurance….

My DD (4.5) started reception last week. She has been full time nursery since she was 10 months old and loved her time there. The nursery is in a village 6 miles from our home, so inevitably she has ended up at Primary School away from anyone she knows.

She had a transition week at the new school on the last week of term, seemed ok, although said “I didn’t know who to play with”, but has happily told anyone all summer that she was starting school.

This Primary School has a preschool and I would say that all bar 4 or 5 kids in her class attended there. So they are already familiar with the setting, and each other. My DD is not the most gregarious character and takes time to warm to people, so won’t necessarily put herself out there to make friends. She was popular at nursery, but that was through 3.5 years of familiarity.

Anyway, she is saying daily that she doesn’t want to go to school, crying at drop off, making up fictional names of people she’s spoken to (I think to appease us). When I ask why she doesn’t want to go, all that she can tell me is she’s nervous. I’ve explained nerves are natural, she will make friends in time, given her strategies to speak to people.

It is now day 7 (I appreciate still early days) but it feels like regression- today she wet herself on the playground waiting to go in. My husband spoke to the teacher to say this anxious behaviour is not her norm - she has always gone with the flow with things and doesn’t need to be with us constantly.

The teacher assured him that they are looking after her, there are a handful of children struggling with the transition, and when she gets upset at school she says she misses her Mummy. I think she is just giving this as a reason because she can’t convey why she is so upset - as she has never been clingy to me, despite us being very close.

I don’t want to make this a huge thing as it’s early days, but I can’t see progress. I’ve tried reading The Invisible String to her as I thought that might help, but as calm as she is about school in the evenings - and seemly keen to go, it’s back to square one (or further backwards) the next morning.

Well done if you reached the end of this - I’m just hoping others have been in the same boat and go through it I suppose?

I was a KS1 teacher for 3 years, it is very common for children to be anxious at the start and some would get anxious at the start of each term too, they just didn’t cope well with the change. I had children wet themselves, be sick and one even held their breath until the parent had to shake them. You did the right thing by mentioning it to the teachers and you have to trust for now that they are helping her as much as they can. Did they mention how often she gets upset? If she is able to be calmed and distracted?

I would leave it another week or so but if she still is not settled by then, I would ask the teachers about keeping a log of when she gets upset to see if there is a pattern. E.g. is it just after lunch when she has felt lonely on the playground, or during a certain lesson where she is grouped with a specific child.

A couple of techniques I saw implemented was

• a board in the home that has days of the weeks, daily schedule etc. I don’t know what it would be called to find it online but the days of the weeks and activities were magnets so you could move them around. A large part of anxiety is fear of the unknown and lack of control so having the board which shows what day it is, what time things will be happening and in what order could help her to feel more prepared.
• draw a heart on her palm and on yours, explain to her that every time she misses you she can squeeze the heart in her hand and you can feel it and will squeeze yours back.
• do your best to integrate yourself with some of the parents and if you find a particularly nice parent you could mention how your daughter is struggling and ask about arranging a play in the park or something to help her build the friendships.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and give some reassurances from the other side.

Funnily enough I had thought of a visual planner, so your message has encouraged me to order one, which arrives tomorrow.

I’m going to see if there is a parents WhatsApp as I’d like to interact outside of the school messaging service - I don’t want to give the (incorrect) impression that I don’t trust the teachers to manage it by posting on ClassDojo.

We’ve agreed to monitor until the end of week four and if there’s no obvious progress, we’ll request a meeting - it’s good to know that’s not an unreasonable request or timeframe.

Your message has honestly made me feel that little lighter and that I’m not going it alone.

A couple of suggestions:

if you can do a play date with some other children from her class that will help her get to know them.

either as a group in the park after school, or one to ones.

she’s come into basically an established group and it will be difficult.