Really big dilemma

[HloldingonbYathread]

Really need advice asap, I’m in a situation that has actually brought my mental health to its knees.
3 kids 7 9 and 12 in an ok small rural primary a min walk from my home. Kids are happy. Academically it’s so so. My sil has just got a job there and will be teaching 2 of my children for the next 3 years. I find this difficult to deal with. It’s just
too close to home and with my in-laws next door it all feels like our privacy is invaded
i teach myself in a larger school an hours drive from my home where the kids would be in single classes but would know no one. Better academically and better experiences such as music gymnastics and swimming. Should I move them as I find the alternative intolerable?

I'm not sure id move the 12yo who must be in their last year at primary and capable of having a key etc let themselves in etc.

But I'd move the other too. I don't think its right for them to be taught by their auntie and the dynamics that involves

Is the 12yo in Primary? What is wrong with SIL? Why do you live next door to in-laws?

Yes

I'm confused by the 12 year old still in primary? Even if you deferred, they'd surely be off to secondary this year? Unless you're in an area that still has a lower, middle and upper school system and you actually mean they're at middle school? Although I thought lower school went up to Year 4 and therefore the 7 year old wouldn't be going to middle school yet? I'm not sure of a system where all 3 could be at the same school unless it's an all-through, which I can't imagine in a rural setting.

I think I would consider moving them, yes. Even if you get on with SIL, that's a bit too close for comfort. Children need their own space at school. It must be stifling enough for them being at such a small school that they have their siblings in the same class, let alone the teacher being a relative too.

Did SIL check with you how you felt before applying for a job there? As a teacher myself, I couldn't imagine going for a job somewhere so small that I would definitely end up teaching a relative or close friend's child, without checking first how they all felt about that. She's completely changing the dynamics of their school life, and that's not fair.

I wouldn't move them to your school though. An hour away is madness. They'll be exhausted from the commute, have no local friends and will still have their mum at their school even if you don't actually end up teaching any of them. I'd look for other local options instead.

It doesn't need to cause problems with SIL. Just explain that you feel it's only fair the children have their own space away from family at school (this would be much harder to justify if you move them to your own school).

We are in Ireland primary is from 4/5 until 12/13

Does your DP/kids' dad agree that the idea of his sister teaching his kids is unconscionable?

Thanks for the context, to help it make sense.

I stand by my advice that moving them should be a serious consideration, but definitely not to your own school.

How far is the next school you wpild consider?

These are my only 2 options. There are 20 different schools in between but no one to do the commute with them. It’s either school next door or my school an hr away.
husband does not see the problem but he said he supports my decision. Very unhelpful

Would you definitely want to stay in your job for the next 8 years though? As you'd be committing yourself up until you get leaves, what if your situation changes, you want a new job etc?
Bit rough of your sister in law to do that, what's the back story?

I won’t be changing jobs, my biggest concern would be getting an illness that meant I couldn’t work!

That changes things then. As much as it's really not ideal your SIL moving to your children's school to become their teacher, moving them and hour away to your school would be a really bad choice. An hour commute is totally unfair to expect young children to do. They will be utterly exhausted, with zero chance of seeing any of their new friends regularly out of school.

You say they are happy where they are, so that has to count for something (although I appreciate your SIL has only just got the job). Maybe give it time to see how it goes? How do they feel about her being their teacher? Their opinion is actually more important than your own here (although I totally understand why you feel the way you do).

I do think it's very selfish of her to put you all in this position though. She's totally encroaching in your lives. It's all a bit weird why she'd want to and how she can't have foreseen what a problem it could be.

It might sound radical, but if you hate living so close to your in laws have you considered moving closer to your own school?

Personally I don’t think a two hour commute is fair for the children. That’s a lot of travel time and it would make things like friends parties a problem too.

Is there really not an alternative 🤔. Do you not have any breakfast clubs or afterschool clubs in Ireland.

I'd probably want to move the younger 2, doesn't seem wise to move the eldest for what I assume is their last year.

Well yes there is that, if you got the flu who'd bring the children to school?
It'd be a bit rough on them not being able to see their mates outside of school as well as you'd live too far away.

There are so many social benefits to the children being in the local school and having friends in their neighbourhood that I would have to loathe my SIL before moving them out. Not to mention the logistics of taking your kids to work with you. What about parents evenings, meetings, etc? Will they have to hang around waiting for you several evenings a week? And yes if you’re sick or on a course how would you get therm to school? Plus do the kids actually want to move schools? I imagine they would not be happy to leave their friends. Unless your SIL is a violent sadist or a neo nazi I would suggest it would be preferable to leave them where they are.

Thanks for this, I think it’s the cold hard facts I needed telling
it’s probably something I will just have to learn to make peace with. Children In Gaza receiving no education at all is a real tragedy.
this is probably nothing in the long run. It’s me that has the problem and not my children

I hadn't thought about the issue of you being ill or for the time onto their day.

There has to be a 3rd option could you have a word with HT and ask for SIL not to be teaching your kids?

Or find another school and have DH drop them off.

An hour commute for you seems a lot too, could you not get a job closer to home?

I’ve worked at plenty of schools where the children of staff attend. If the staff member is professional and well supported it can work well. Often schools move teachers around to avoid them teaching their own children but sometimes that’s not possible or desirable but other things can be out in place. For example, a brilliant Year 6 teacher I worked with had her own daughter in her class. It was fine until she had a massive falling out with friends, whose parents accused the daughter of bullying. The headteacher herself dealt with the issue so the teacher/parent was completely out of it, and it settled down after a little while.
I suggest you make a list of the things you are worried about with you SIL teaching your kids and discuss them - with her if you have that sort of relationship, or with the head if you want to keep it completely professional. A good school will be able to handle it so there’s no disadvantage to your children, and they might really like seeing their auntie in school every day.

Absolutely agree with this. An hour’s commute is too long. I moved schools as a child and found it difficult.

I have taught in schools where they had adult relatives also teaching in the schools. It worked fine, the children recognised the boundaries and so did the school and importantly other children , a quick hug,hair ruffle or a wave was fine but not sharing lunch time snacks for example. I know one child who had his mum as his class teacher, and once they had decided what he would call her it was fine. If it is a primary school then unless the SIL is a specialist who moves around teaching all age groups then she would only be actually teaching them if they ended up in her class, and if there is more than one class per year Group this could probably be avoided .

Of course if the issue is actually your relationship with your SIL and where you think her professional boundaries lie, then none of the above applies! 🙂

I'm guessing these are mixed year classes, hence the SIL teaching them for the next 3 years.
Is there any way the teachers can be switched so she teaches a different age range so she has less involvement with your kids?

I think I'd be looking to move house nearer to your work.

Are you saying that the 7 and 9 year old will have her as their main teacher for the next year or two? Then I'd definitely consider it. It's a lot isn't it.

As the alternative wouldn't be ideal in terms of commute I would initially see how things went and move if it doesn't work for your family.