Daughter’s friend

[Autumn777]

We are moving my youngest daughter from a state school to a private school where we both work. Schools are not good in our area & we drive 1hour every morning & 1 hour return trip to send her to a school where she won’t be bullied. We can’t make the journey fit round work anymore. Trouble is, she has this really lovely friend at the school. Friend Jane, has had a hard upbringing, money issues, food insecurity etc but is one of the kindest girls. Jane told my daughter that’s she wishes she could move schools with my daughter. feel so guilty but don’t know what to do. Daughter wants to move to new school. Jane is very shy & my daughter speaks up for her & helps her.

You are doing what's right for your daughter so don't feel guilty.
Perhaps invite Jane for the occasional sleepover so they can keep in touch?

Yes there is nothing you can do in terms of moving schools for Jane! You have to do what’s best for yourself but like the pp, do try and do playdates to maintain the friendship! Life happens unfortunately !

Jane will find another friend. Keep up the friendship with play dates as long a you can

How do you know she will not be bullied at the new school or do you think it doesn't happen in private schools?

I don’t know whether she will be bullied at new school. I hope it will be ok but I worry I am not doing the right thing. She is bright and wants to go to new school but Jane relies on my daughter a lot. They go on the bus together, have lunch together. I’m just worried whether it’s the right thing.

If Jane relies on your dd a lot that could be difficult for your dd when for example she wants to play with other children or wants a bit of support herself. It could have impacted on her negatively long term.

but you have made the best choice for your dd you can support the friendship with play dates if your DD wants to.

I don’t actually think it’s massively healthy for your DD to have a best friend relationship where the other girl is so reliant on her and it could end up pretty toxic if DD wants to spend time with other friends. It’s already an iffy dynamic tbh because the new school is so clearly what’s best for your family but you’re questioning it because poor Jane. I think the change of school is definitely for the best. If you do still want to encourage the friendship on a slightly less intense basis then you can always do weekend meet ups.

You’re not being clear, OP. Is your daughter being bullied at her current school, the one Jane attends?

No, my daughter is not being bullied at her current school she attends with Jane.

My daughter told Jane and her other friends she is moving schools. Jane cried and said she did not know what she was going to do without my daughter. She kept apologising as she said she wanted to be happy for my daughter. My daughter feels really sad. Jane wants to go to the new school and has looked it up but says the fees are “not for people like her”. Jane has had a hard upbringing & her family are not always kind to her. I feel dreadful about this. I wish i could afford to pay for Jane to go as well. We all really like her. I feel so guilty moving my daughter. Not sure she will have friends like she has at current school.

Thank you Bitzee. I appreciate that. It’s all really intense. I grew up quite poor so I think I relate to Jane. Jane is a lovely girl & a nice friend to my daughter. She is shy so wants my daughter to help her get lunch, talk to teachers. She looks out for my daughter. I should feel pleased that my daughter has an opportunity that I never had, but I just feel so guilty about this friend being left. I know Jane has therapy due to a chaotic home life. I don’t want to cause upset.

But why did you say in your OP that you drive for an hour daily to send her to a ‘school where she won’t be bullied’ — are you saying she was bullied at a previous school, before her current one?

I think you’re projecting all over the place onto Jane. How old are the girls? If Jane is really so reliant on your daughter to help her get lunch and talk to teachers, it doesn’t sound good for either of them. Your daughter isn’t her assistant, and Jane needs to learn to advocate for herself. If the friendship it’s important to both of them, I’m sure it will be possible to carry it on at weekends.

This is ridiculous.

She can still be friends with Jane but stop giving her so much head space, given how fluid friendships are anyway among kids.

You're not Jane's saviour.

The school my daughter is currently at she’s not bullied but it’s such a long way away. The local school, 5-10 mins walk has a police car there regularly, teachers who have been sacked for looking up girls skirts and has a reputation for bullying, knives being brought into school.

I think you are right, I see a lot of me in Jane and worry about her. Both girls are 12.