Is this much behaviour stuff normal? Should I be looking to change primary school for reception kid?

[Yats17]

Hi everyone,

I cant tell if this is normal for kids at reception, but it worries me so i wanted to check with MM experiences.

We got the 'good' school we wanted in Southwark. Its diverse, teachers who stay for years, 12 min walk from our house, Ok school results, focus on being nurturing and welcoming and play. My DS is old for his year (sept) and we have another 3yo DS who will start at nursery in September. 3yo copies verbatim everything older one does and says.

Eldest comes home with all the swear words, today's word is bitch. We have had the middle finger, fuck, oh shit and various other bits of bad attitude generally. He seems to know they're bad words and whispers that he knows something bad rather than swearing at anyone (that i know of). Lots of stuff about scenes from the horror film IT. This all supposedly comes from a boy in his class. Separately he seems to play with yr 5 and 6 kids where they go and hide specifically from teachers to talk about things that are secret, not sure what, where the older kids ask him to fight. He says he refuses. But likes hanging with the older kids as he's old for his year and tends to gravitate to older kids.

He's not an angel and is definitely cheeky, but with supervision and a firm hand is fine. I just can't get my head around the limited supervision and mixing with older kids though, or the level of language. And the seceretativenss that is new and weird.

Is this normal in reception? How much worse can things get over the next 6 years?!

I raised this with dep HD in April (inc the decline in his food hygiene significantly, the kids showing each other their body parts, not being respectful in toilets etc)
and she said its petty normal, she'd talk to some of the lunch assistants etc but I just don't feel comforted this is enough.

Alot of this is IMHO about the v diverse parenting styles and I had suggested the school send out termly letters to parents about behaviour standards etc but they don't seem keen.

This is making me want to switch to a different school (if that's even possible now).

My DH thinks I'm being paranoid. What do you guys think?

Omg. No, in my experience that’s not normal in reception class. My grandchild is the oldest in his year group but has never wanted to play with older children, I’d expect the staff in the playground to be keeping a close eye on this.
I know people have different parenting styles but from what you’ve said, some of it seems neglectful. I’d move schools pronto.

Absolutely not normal. Every school I know separates infants and juniors at break times.

That's not at all normal, and y 5/6 being unsupervised with reception in that situation (talking about secrets etc) sounds like a massive safeguarding risk.

No not at all. Two separate playgrounds in our school.

Mine attended a central London school - no way that reception would be playing out with yr5 and yr6

We had an incident of showing each other bits in reception and it was swiftly sorted by the school (NSPCC campaign, changing the classroom layout a little, word with a couple of DC)

Doesn’t bode well if they are dismissive

Mine go to a small school and all
children mix at lunch. Often the younger ones play with the older ones but because the older ones are looking after them. Any cases of older children being inappropriate are dealt with quickly.

Your post about schools makes me think of my neighbour, her children go to the school with more affluent families. Mine go to one with a range of families but some in particular really struggle financially. She wouldn’t even look around the one my children go to but guess who has had the problems with swearing, bad behaviour etc?!

Absolutely not my experience at all, red flag that the swear words etc all seem to come from one child. And that stuff about hiding from teachers with yr 5 and 6 kids is be raising with the teacher asap. My y1 DD has older years separated on different playground but they do have yr 5 reading buddies who help in class, pe buddies who help with pe and sports day and forest school buddies so they interact on a level where the older kids have responsibility with the younger ones not leading them astray!

the fact they were dismissive about the behaviour would make me want to push it further or move schools as it just screams safeguarding red flag!

No, mine has never come home with swear words. There has been a mooning incident but nothing like this no.

Not normal.

No not normal! My DD is in an inner city primary and we have had none of what you describe at all. She’s still sweet and innocent at 8 and her friends the same.

Also although the playground is small at our school reception is entirely away from other years and y1 and yr 2 also.

Not normal where I am at all. My dd is in reception, she’s never come home with bad words and all the children in her class genuinely seem very nice.

They're hiding to talk about secret things??

No, this is not normal and needs to be flagged. Personally, I would move schools before your DS thinks that it's normal.

I'd move schools too.

No swearing at all, though lots of giggling about poo. No mixing with big kids except in when the big kids come in to read, and some buddying around lunchtime which sounds very sweet. They are tiny in reception! It all sounds pretty bad to me.

They mix at our school and my child also prefers to play with older children. None of it has been concerning behaviour as you have noted and the Y6 are buddies to the reception children. No issues with bad language or secretive behaviour either. I would move my child out of a school that did not see a problem with the behaviour that you’ve stated.

What do you mean when you mention showing each other body parts? And the headteacher said that was fine and normal? For yr 5&6s to be showing an each other and a reception child body parts? I’m assuming we aren’t talking arms and legs here.

Are you sure he's with years 5 and 6? Who does this information come from? If it's from your son, could he have misunderstood/ miscommunicated and be with the five and six year olds - i.e. year 1, instead of the reception children, many of whom are still four years old?

Gravitating to oldwr children is not usually a sign of maturity btw so please just have that on your radar. Five year olds who gravitate towards ten year olds don't do so because they are mature themselves, but because they have social skills or social communication challenges and struggle to interact with age peers. IF he's really hanging out exclusively or mainly with children twice his age he may be vulnerable in other ways, and this is a behaviour often noticed in neurodiverse children who struggle with the difficult to decode play behaviour of age peers.

Talk to his class teacher first, not head of year, and find out whether breaks are staggered - often reception have free fliw between inside and outside in their own area and don't mix at all at break, but at any rate it's extremely unusual for reception to have break with years four and five.

Hi Op. We are at a good (and pretty diverse) school in Croydon so I feel we are a pretty good comparison for your situation. It's by no means a perfect school.

However I'd say this is absolutely not normal. Our kids school keeps the reception class in their own fenced off playground with years one and two for a start.

The kids don't swear that I've ever heard, I've never heard anything worse than damn or frigging come out of my sons mouth.

The pants rules are widely taught and the kids quote them a lot to enforce boundaries.

We are in year 3 now and the standard of behaviour is pretty decent/ respectful generally. Problem kids seem to be addressed.

I think I might be looking at other options honestly.

So I've asked to speak to his teacher tomorow now so will see. I think supervision and behaviour management in class is really good. The issue is lunch times and afterschool clubs. I need to understand better what they are doing to stop too much mixing in those times. I also think we have a specific issue with a couple of kids he is friends with in his class who seem to be introducing these older kids and the language. Also a couple of them are definitely 'special' in some way so don't have the best grasp of boundaries so my DH and I have been thinking we need to make allowances. But really it's for the school to supervise these interactions properly and set standards with parents of expectations.

In terms of showing body parts, I had assumed with other kids in reception ("oh look my willy is different to yours" type comments) but now I'm not sure so will need to think how i check that with him.

My DS is very communicative and confident and trusts us to tell us this stuff as part of his chatter about what he's been doing for his day, so I am trying not to grill him too much so he clams up. But I really do want to grill him ha!

Anyway will see how the chat with the teacher goes. I really can't have DS2 getting into this kind of crowd, he really is far more of a tear away at 3 already...

Not my experience at all. DD is in receptionin a school with a diverse catchment, and the only real contact they have with y5/6 is when they help out, e.g. help them at sports day or do some reading together.

Neither the language nor the behaviour would be acceptable, and the head is very clear about it. Anything of this kind would be dealt with swiftly, and they definitely monitor who is playing with who.

I should also have mentioned that this school has a formal buddy system too, and I met the buddy at a special assembly. These are different kids to the buddies.

They also have giant playgrounds with penned off areas so I can't see why they don't keep them separate.

I've checked in with other reception parents and they don't seem to have these issues with language with their kids so it makes me think this is a specific bad crowd issue I have.

This is absolutely not normal for reception, no. If you'd not included ages I think I'd have assumed this was year 7!

Start looking for schools with spaces. You might be in luck given the direction of travel of birthrates and population outflow.

You don’t need to make allowances for any child talking to your child about their private areas.

Absolutely not normal and I would be furious