School choice - feeling bad for son

[lioibe]

We have two children. Our eldest goes to an independent school due to SEN and their needs being met best there. Our youngest currently attends an infant school and is coming up to the end of year 2. Nearly every child in his cohort of 60 is going to the same junior school ("School A"), but that junior school is 25 minutes in traffic from home (15 mins when no traffic). Due to the distance we chose and were offered, a place at a junior school which is closer to home ("School B"), around 13 minutes in traffic (8 mins when no traffic).

Understandably, he is not thrilled about the prospect of going to school B given he doesn't know anyone. Because we were uncertain if we had done the right thing, we went on the waiting list for school A and have been now offered a place there! We don't know what to do at this point. We also have feelings of guilt over the disparity in the experience either school A or B offers compared to the experience his sibling is having at their school. HIs sibling can also be very challenging at home so again there is a strong urge to create a really lovely environment for him at school. We are also beginning to wonder if he has ADHD so again would benefit from smaller classes, closer attention, and lots of sport. We could stretch to two in independent school but whether that would be wise is another matter, at least at this stage. So back to the choice between the junior schools:

School A: 120 per year group, knows around half of them already from his current infant school. Good facilities but opportunities for local friends limited. His current infant school is already around 13 minutes from home and we already feel as thought we live in a different community to those families that travel there from the opposite direction which is most of them. Compared to school B it will amount to an extra 4.5 hours of travelling per week (additional time per each round-trip, twice per day, x 5 day per week and it really add up). After school care available but pre-booked on set days. Ofsted 'outstanding' from 2023. Parking not great.

School B: 90 per year group, knows only one child and that was from nursery which was quite a long time ago now. Also has good facilities. Probably preferred the head teacher. Ofsted 'good' from 2025. Flexible after school care. Parking even worse.

School C: The independent option. Goes up to year 8. Expanding slowly to create a senior school up to end of GCSE's but will take time and be on a small scale to start with. He has a friend going there and if money wasn't a consideration, it is where we think is best for him. If we don't send him there now, we would consider it again in the future.

I'd be grateful for people's thoughts. Part of me says 'stick to school B' and another thinks, let him have what he wants if we can't do school C right now.

Thank you!

His apprehension is normal. School B, an opportunity for local friends and perhaps even lift shares?

We moved schools in year 3 and my son never looked back. He made new friends on the first day and thrived.

Going to a school where you don’t know anyone is worrying for the first day but children are very adaptable and soon make friends. I’d stick to your original choice. He’ll have a sad summer but by Halloween it’ll all be fine.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I think there is just a sense of sadness about not giving him what his sibling has and then also not letting him stay with his friends. However, if he settles it would be nice for him to have some more local friends.

Tbh, I’d go with school A, sorry, unless SEN provision is better at school B? terms of local friends, assuming weekends are less traffic etc, it’s only a 7 minute further journey, to have him stay with all his friends? And childcare - you sound quite organised to could pre book and have this sorted?

I would go with the more local school ( though it isn’t very local!). Think of friendships, sleep overs, play dates, local activities like cubs,birthday parties,after school club pick ups, parents evenings, school fetes, sports days. All easier closer to home. He will soon make friends and will be able to maintain those friendships far easier than if you are having to ferry him everywhere then hang around because going home again and then picking him up involves too much travelling. I wouldn’t worry too much about the differences in your childrens schools, you chose the best school for your child with SEN and it probably wasn’t easy to make that decision. Your children have differing needs and frankly for siblings of children with SEN, though I accept that you haven’t specified your child’s needs, it can in some cases be good to have a place where they are not known primarily as XX’s sibling but have the chance to plough their own furrow and be known as their own person.

Is he good at making friends? Sounds like it if he has lots going to school A.

I'd go for the local school as at that age they can generally find friendship groups within the first week. If in the unlikely event that doesn't happen, School A will still be there.

If you’re not going to do C due to finances then I would go with A. You’re in the car already and I’d happily trade off an extra 7 minutes for easier parking, friends and a better ofstead.

We sent our child to a school where he had no friends. He actually ended up making more friends outside school at the other school than he ever had at the first. We moved at the end of year one and the change in him has been phenomenal. If he has good friends that makes such a difference to his childhood add that the school is outstanding. I would take the hassle of the journey for my child.

Thank you for your thoughts on this. It's unfortunately an extra 12 mins in traffic each way so 24 extra minutes in the morning repeated in the evening, adding up to over 4 hours of extra driving per week. We are going to see school B again and will then decide but currently leaning towards school A. We really only have one shot at this as we only got a place at school B as he is currently at a feeder infant. And school A we just got very lucky with the numbers this year.

Can't work out how to edit my post above - I meant to say we currently leaning towards school B (not A). However, we will be revisiting the other one to help make the decision.

I would go with school B. I assume he's got another 4 years to make friends there and the opportunity to walk to school himself and walk to friends houses or play out locally with his friends when he's year 5/6 will outweigh having to start again now.

I’d say stick with school B as it’s closer. He’ll make friends there.

I'd always go for the nearer school where at all possible, for all the reasons others have given.

It's worth bearing in mind that when you get a bigger pool of children, with a lot of new potential friends, existing friendships may change anyway. You might send him to School A to be with his friends only to find that by half way through the year he has made new friends. So he might as well go to School B and made new friends there.

What is likely to happen at secondary? ie would you be forcing him to change school areas aged 11 if you don't do it now?

I’d stick with school A - friends and easier parking which will save lots of time. Being part of a community is really important.

Although actually if you can afford the independent school, maybe do that as the other one is in independent.

That's a tricky one. If you think he may have ADHD, have you spoken to the Senco to get a feel for the school's approach to SEN?

Is there a difference in their sport provision – how much PE, what do they have access to at breaks, after school clubs, etc.?

What are his friendships like? A few close ones or a bigger group? Lots of chopping and changing, or the same core friends since Reception?

Go with school B for the opportunity to make local friends and enjoy more extra curricular activities. He may be anxious about it and want to stick with his existing friends, but this is just fear of the unknown. Can you reach out to local parents whose children will be at school B so he can make some connections before he starts?