Conflict of interests...friends child is in trouble at school....

[maidamess]

There is a friend of mine...well I say friend..she's very nice to me, but can be supremely aggressive and dismissive of other people, as she believes in being brutally honest at all times. She has no patience or respect for her sons teacher.

Her son is in my sons class (I am a TA in the other year 2 class) Her sons behaviour is soooo bad at times that a 'solution circle' is taking place next week where the staff who know him and deal with him come up with a plan to make his treatment consistent across the board and to try to understand triggers. I have been ask to contribute to this meeting.

The Mum will be told about this eventually. I know him, and her, quite well and can see how he is treated and spoken to at home is reflected in his appalling behaviour at school.

She will be extremely aggressively defensive about her son when she is informed about what has been decided.

I'm not sure where I stand on all this. I feel no particular allegiance to the Mum although she has shown me and my family kindness at times. However her sons behaviour does need addressing. I'm not looking forward to the conversations she will want to have with me after the meeting has taken place.

What would you do?

first I would do what is in the best interest of the child, then I would consider asking the solution circle to be excluded (only if you value your friendship) if the child's development is more important then I would say me as an adult will be able to handle an abusive argument and that I'm doing it for the child's sake.

Hope it does not sound to confusing.

I would ask not to attend the meeting give your suggestions before and sk for a summary of the outcome OR just fib to her and say you werent in the meeting?

but you cannot discuss anything with her that happened at the meeting, can you? so there isn't really anything to be said by way of a 'conversation' about her son or what the school is doing about him.

unfortunately she may not see it that way and it may be difficult for you, but you have to stay calm and professional about it.

If you think that you can contribute to the meeting reaching a good decision about the child, I think it would be a good idea to go to it. Presumably, she will be told what the school intends to do to help her son's behaviour? If so, you don't need to get dragged into a discussion of what happened at the meeting surely?

I feel I can add something to the meeting as I know what the boys home life is like...but I'm not sure I feel right giving details of this in this situation.

surely it is most important for the right decision to be made, if you can contribute without being at the meeting ie through a colleague then that is great, if not I would bite the bullet and deal with the mother afterwards.

From what you have said though, why will she know that this whole staff type of meeting took place and also that you were there?

How is he treated at home that is reflected in his behaviour at school?

Will she know that you were at the meeting? If at all possible, I'd take the option of pretending I wasn't involved at all. Even if that means telling a big fat lie.

Have been in a similiar situation (I am a lunchtime supervisor).

I assume you are contributing to the meeting as part of the 'team' for Yr 2 or do you have more direct contact with the boy than that?

If the mother does approach you, can you take the stance that you are not allowed to speak to her directly about the school situation? She needs to discuss it with either the head, the Yr 2 head (if there is one) or his class teacher. Take the 'I am too low on the ladder' defence and keep the peace.

I think you should be there if your imput is relevent and not gossipy/judgemental ( which I am sure it isn't). The information you potentially could contribute is not the same as, for example, telling the authorities that she is a benefits cheat or something similar. You could be adding to a pool of information aimed at assisting a child who cleraly needs help and guidance.
Any meeting would be confidential. If it were me I would either a) pretend I was not there or b) simply say as staunchly as possible that it is against your prifessional rules to discuss anything said and she has a point of contact with the school with whom to raise any queries.

If she gets difficult with you over this then surely it is time you distanced yourself a bit anyway?

Is it rather unfair to the family for you to use information you have from knowing her socially in this context? If you work in another class, why have you been asked to contribute?

I wonder whether the best thing is to absent yourself from the meeting, but not say anything to her either. That would seem to me the most discreet and fair thing for every party, including yourself.

FWIW I too work in a situation where I deal with confidential information about people I know socially. You need to keep a real Chinese wall in your head about the whole thing to stay sane and not get into serious problems.

Very wise words ladies. . I think as it is his school beh. we are addressing, its the triggers at school that need to be discussed. After all, when he gets home, he is out of our care, isn't he, and I would feel a bit gossipy discussing what i know about how he is talked to and how I have sen him behave in his own home.

His Mum will be privvy to the solutions discussed, but will not know who was there. I have been included as I help teach a small group that this boy is part of.

She will go mad, I know it. She will march into the Heads office and demand to know why she wasn't informed earlier that her sons beh. was a problem, when it fact its her aggressive manner that has stopped the class teacher remonstrating this boy so often.

lulu I think you have verbalised what i was thinking...I feel I should not really be present. Not through any great loyalty to this Mum, but because I do know how they are as a family (theres nothing really horrible going on,btw, just lots of shouting and not much respect for anyone in authority. And thats just the Mum!)

I can be made aware of the results of the meeting, but not feel I am under interrogation when the volcano blows.

It's such a difficult situation, isn't it? I know from the experience of a former colleague that once that work/home line gets overstepped, it can be very hard to find your way back and retain your own profession integrity. Even if you are doing something with the best of motives.

It sounds as though the other staff are well aware of the way the family functions though, and can probably reach the same conclusions as you have done!

Good luck with it. HOpe you can weather the storm and that the little chap gets some help.