School change worries

[Anxiousallday]

I recently decided to change my son's school because he was crying and anxious all the time about going and said he had no friends. They allow us to flexischool so he goes 3 days and I thought that probably wasn't helping him to settle properly into school life. I don't necessarily think the problem is the school because he has never really settled into several nurseries either, he just has really bad separation anxiety. I thought maybe changing schools to a smaller school with smaller classes would help and kind of rushed into the decision because things were so bad.

However, over the last few weeks he has seemed to make good friends and settle in a bit better and I'm really worried that I am making a huge mistake and things won't be any better in the new school. He had his last day earlier this week though and a huge part of me wants to beg them to take us back but i know that would just look ridiculous.

I've basically realised that I have terrible anxiety and have run away from everything I've ever started because of it and I now fear I'm doing the same for my son. I truly just want the best for him but I feel like I just keep getting it all so wrong! The new school could be great but I'm now worrying that because of the classes being so small that he won't make any friends there and we will have all the same problems we had before. Whereas the school he just left is bigger (still only around 180 children so not massive).

I just have no idea what to do for the best!

How old is your son? i guess reception?
To be brutally honest, it would rake a very robust child to settle and make friends when they are missing half the school week every week. He‘ll have been more a visitor than a member of thr class, having missed 40% of everything.
And you say several nurseries- how long has he actually staid, and for how many days a week?

OP, I would swallow your pride, go to his school and ask if it's ok for him to stay after all. Don't worry about looking foolish. It's so unsettling for him to keep moving. It's good that you've recognised this is your problem - can you get therapy to talk through why you do this?

I don't think it's even that unusual for a child to leave a school and come back if there's space. You won't look foolish asking if he can return.

You need to seek help for your anxiety here if you are going to be able to help your DS.

I completely understand what you mean, dd had her last day at her school yesterday (different situation, she has been bullied since reception and the head has done nothing about it 🙄), and she starts her new school after Easter.

I am in panic mode wondering if I've done the right thing etc as things have calmed down these last few weeks, and her new school is much further away...

It's the fear of the unknown I think, the change, wondering if they'll be ok etc. I am giving it a 'see what happens' approach, and hoping once she's been there for a few weeks she will have settled, and trying to stay positive and hoping she will thrive in her new place.

Worst comes to worst, you/I could always go back to the first school, but I think it's the anxiety about a new start and the unknown. Keeping my fingers crossed for both of us!

How old is he, what year group - reception? And how long has be been at this school - since September?

Our DS did take a while to settle at that age. It can sometimes take time, it's hard. I think you may be right that unless there is something obviously wrong with the initial school, changing schools won't make much difference, and might have a negative impact at this point as he will have to start again, half way through the year.

I'm assuming your DS knows he's had his last day at the previous school? If he didn't know, I think trying to keep him there would make sense now he's finally settling and making friends. However, if he knows he has 'left' and has visited the new school, which he knows he is starting, changing your mind again could just unsettled him more.

You made this switch for a reason, in the hope of helping him settle somewhere long term. It's great that he has finally starting to settle at the original school but that's evidence that he can settle and make friends away from you anywhere. Personally I would stick with the decision to move him, now the time has come and it's happening. Give it time to see how he gets on, throwing all your energy into making it a positive switch for him. You've acknowledged the issues before have been as much about your own anxiety as they have been his and that's a huge step in helping him to settle this time. You know to make it nothing but positive when speaking to him. Go straight in there with full days, which will help him to settle sooner. The minute you start reducing the timetable it makes school seem optional to him, like he can pick it choose when he attends. It makes him seem like not part of the class to the rest of the kids. Don't be afraid to raise your own anxiety with the new school, as they can then support you in helping him to separate and can put things in place to reassure you both.

There's nothing to say this won't be a positive move. Go into it with that attitude and make it work. I do totally understand your fears about moving him again, now he's finally settling. However, you say you want to stop running away from things. If you think about it, doing a U-turn on a change which has already been decided upon would be doing just that again. Own it, make it a positive experience and make it the last change until Secondary if truly possible. If you want to stop running away from problems, the first step is to not see this already arranged switch as a potential problem before it has started. If your son is aware of the change, you'll only confuse him further by trying to back out of it now. As I said, own it. This is a fresh start for both of you in terms of approaching change with a positive attitude.

It WILL work out. Don't let the first potential bumps in the road be the start of the road becoming totally rocky again. If you naturally give it time to smooth out, remaining positive that it will eventually (just like it seemingly has this time, you know he can do it now) then it really will be ok. See the summer term as the bumpy settling in term, safe in the knowledge that it will be perfectly natural for him to have a few wobbles early doors. If you give him that time, he really should be settled and ready to fly by the time he enters the new school roles around in September.

Good luck

Whatever you do, stop with the 3 days thing. That's not helping anyone.

I think, whichever of the schools he ends up at, you need to stick it out and allow him time to settle properly. Moving him a lot can’t have given him much stability or routine - which kids thrive on.

I agree, whatever decision you make needs to be stuck at properly for a good time period and ideally be backed up with help for both you and DS to manage anxiety.

How was the decision to do three days arrived at?

We did 3 days because we didn't think he could cope with 5, we tried 5 at first and it was awful and all through nursery the separation was awful, screaming and crying every day and night and begging not to go. I thought the extra days at home with me would help him to settle.

He went to 3 different nurseries due to one closing and then he moved again to go to the one attached to the school. The most he ever did there was 2 days per week

I would definitely contact his school and see if he can stay. 2 or 3 days a week require a very robust child to settle. That together with 4 different places (and now potentially 5!) in 4 years would be enough to create separation anxiety in most children.

How old is he? Reception, preschool?

Gently, I think this might be a good time for you to get some support with your own anxiety. I do wonder if you are struggling to tolerate his distress and jumping too quickly to fix things so you don't have to see him upset. Because for you seeing him upset or worried is very painful. It is very very normal for children to feel upset on separating and then that feeling passes and they learn to feel safe without you for short periods, then longer periods, then full days. He has stalled in this progress and instead of gently encouraging and persisting, you have found his feelings too much and decided to minimise separation. So he has not had his natural feelings contained and understood- and he now he feels different from the other kids.This will not change until you get your own support. Whatever happens please make this his last school move until secondary and ask for some help from the new school