Parents evening. Is this normal

[DevineBetty27]

Hi, my daughter is 5 & in reception. We had our second parents evening this week. A timer was set for 7 minutes when we sat down which is fine but it’s short. Her work was discussed and we looked at her books. A few pointers raised for improvement. Slowing down. Writing smaller etc. All of no concern. Then the teacher mentioned how my daughter had taken peoples work on two occasions and said it was hers causing upset to the other child. I was told my daughter lied about doing it but the teacher knew she was lying so told her off and she got upset. I was not aware of any issues like this so was taken a back. I explained we discuss often the importance of telling the truth and I would have liked to have known about the lie and her getting upset sooner. So I could support her in making better choices as soon as it happened. My daughter says it was a few weeks ago and she was very sorry and after getting to the bottom of it has some self esteem issues around her own work. (It’s still not ok, and It was a bad choice and she gets that) We were then given a sheet of paper with next steps. The last next step was “to know right from wrong and to show sensitively to the needs of others” I found it upsetting because my daughter does know right from wrong she’s obviously just made bad choices twice In 7 months. I feel it is saying she doesn’t and it reflects bad on my parenting. The teacher also bought up she is a only child which I thought was inappropriate. She has also gone from one of the top children in phonics to being moved to the bottom set even though we practise at home and being paired with a boy from year one. I’m unsure of what’s happening with her but she’s losing her love for school. I sent an email asking to clarify a few points with the teacher as 7 mins wasn’t enough and I’ve been offered a meeting with her and the head.seems like a complete escalation? Is it normal to set a PSED next steps goal at parents evening and does anyone else think it was harsh or am I over thinking this? It just feels a bit like she assumes I haven’t already spent the last five years teaching her right from wrong and I’m being kept out the loop.

I think you need a longer chat, and go with an open mind. It sounds like school are trying to tell you there are issues you need to be aware of.

You're over thinking. Sharing progress and discussing targets is the whole point of a parent consultation.

You asked for a meeting, you've been offered a meeting. Is that not what you wanted?

What has her being an only child got to do with anything? Nothing.

I would certainly take the school up on a further meeting.

I think you need a longer meeting and it’s great that they’re offering one so quickly.

With kindness, you seem to be spiralling a bit. She does need to learn right from wrong. She is 5 years old. She doesn't know right from wrong really. No 5yo does!

The school are letting you know. It isn't a huge issue. It is just a little thing she needs to work on. It does not mean anyone thinks she is a bad child or human being. She is still very little and still learning. You can support her in that and I think it sounds as if the school are trying to do the same

This all sounds heavy handed for a child of 5 FFS. Is this what schooling has come to? No, she shouldn’t take someone’s work and pass it off as her own, of course she shouldn’t, but isn’t the teacher curious as to what motivated a 5 year old to do this? I wonder if, along with the phonics example you gave, she is struggling academically for some reason. There was a reason she took that work and it wasn’t that she doesn’t know right from wrong. No shit she’s losing her love of school with such an uncompassionate teacher.

The 7 minute parents evening is quite normal. Looking at the books and discussing next targets is also the usual content.

It's a bit unusual to raise an issue like the other children's work in a parent evening though. There isn't enough time to properly discuss extra things like this. It should have been mentioned to you separately and at the time it took place. 3 weeks ago is ages for a 5 year old.

The "know right from wrong" sounds rather harsh. Possible box ticking or just clumsy wording. I would take them up on a follow up meeting. I'm not sure why the Head is there too. Perhaps the teacher is inexperienced or felt the Head could provide support. Go along and have a chat. Your child is still very young and still settling in to the school environment and rules.

This.
you wanted to hear she is a perfect little angel, top of the class and impeccably behaved. In reality, lots of children aren’t like that and need extra help. That doesn’t mean she will a complete tyrant for life. It means she needs teaching and guiding. But if you put the blinkers on and get all defensive you are doing nobody any favours, least of all her.

It’s normal for the time to be short and for progress to be discussed and next steps and targets set.

if the meeting proves to be too short either because you or the teacher have more to discuss then it is normal to arrange a follow up meeting.

most parents teach their kid right from wrong. Nonetheless many kids will do something wrong at school, for any number of reasons.

this isn’t a slur on your parenting. They aren’t having a go at you.

I do agree here, and too with kindness.

If you remove emotion out of it, you’ve been informed of a couple of challenges, and how the school has provided support (pairing up with an older child), then set some next steps you can support with at home. The teacher doesn’t necessarily have the time to give you updates on this kind of stuff day-to-day, it’s not an immediate concern and can be put on hold until parents evening.

it’s good to have a longer meeting, but try go in to it open minded.

I don't think it's great that parents' evening was the first you heard about taking another child's work issue – it would have been much more effective for you to speak to your daughter about it when it happened.

Otherwise, I'd agree you're spiralling a bit (but easily done with something like this, I think). The target about knowing right from wrong and being aware of the needs of others is a bit simplistic, but realistically, she struggled with both of those points, or at least putting her knowledge into action. She's five, it's hardly shocking – but it's not an unfair target, I don't think.

I think it's also good you've got a meeting so quickly. I'd want to explore her drop in phonics together with the work-taking incidents – they may fit together in terms of lack of confidence, and from there losing her love of school. Ideally, you, the teacher, and the head need to work out what the whole picture here is, so then you can work together to help her. They genuinely will want her to feel confident and enjoy school as well.

Thank you all for your valid points and input 😊

My friend was called in for a meeting with the teacher and a member of SLT who was there to guide the teacher on how to approach it because she was an NQT. This was outside the remit of a parent's evening so it can be useful to have an experienced member of staff to guide and interject if needed.

I volunteered in the primary for 15 years. Your DD taking work twice is not a reflection on your parenting and won't be seen by school as such. They just want you to maybe talk through scenarios of good choices and try to always frame it in a positive way, ie what would be the good choice to make. It is the same with books you read with her and to her, talk about the characters, talk about good friendships, kind behaviour etc.

Children are taught right from wrong it does not mean they are angels all the way through to year 6. They mess up because they are children. It is to be expected. In the kindest way possible the way a child is in school may be completely different than they are at home. They are one of thirty children in the class with lots of different personalities and they might respond differently to them.

It is also normal to be given 3 things to work towards too for every child. Mine were given 3 and could choose 2 of them, these were ticked by the teacher and handed to us so we could see what they needed to work on.

It could just be with your daughter that her confidence has been knocked a bit by her claiming other children's work, not just because she was found out by the teacher but also it could be that children sitting next to her are worried about her taking their work. This can be displayed as using their non-writing arm to protect their work.

The whole Foundation years and KS1 is a frenetic environment and honestly if you were to be an observer for a day you would see that children do struggle to sit and work at things. It is something they learn. The whole class moves, they never sit still in their seats, play with their hair, look out the window, watch the child next to them play with their shoes. They are little and have to learn what school is and how to fit into it as best they can. I much prefer KS2.

They are possibly including the head in case you get too aggressive or defensive so the teacher has backup.

This should have been flagged up when it happened. No question about it. Dropping it on you at a parents’ evening is not acceptable. I would not accept the teacher was “too busy”. They really should have picked up on this because it’s clearly saying she wasn’t really coping and wanted to do better. As a result of the delay, and their accusatory reaction, valuable time has been lost. This would be the angle I would take. Is it a pressurised environment? Are dc treated as individuals? Head being there is OTT. I bet they will be defensive and they have been overly critical.

Their job is to foster a three way partnership - parent, child, school. You matter. I might remind them politely of that.