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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Playdates feel as though I am the only one that bothers

27 replies

mindscape · 03/05/2008 11:00

Hi
My ds has mates home after school occasionally, however I feel as though I am the only one that ever bothers to arrange this at my ds's school.
a few of my ds's mates have been invited to our house, sometimes I initiate the playdates and ask my ds if he would like to invite somebody I am concious of the fact he is an only so do try to make an effort for the odd mate to come after school.
However even though my ds has had the odd invite to a mates house its not very often at all really and I have noticed that alot of moms never return a invite.
I do wonder if I should even worry any more about inviting my ds's mates when alot don't seem to bother.
I know I shouldn't worry too much and invite them for my ds's sake but I find it frustrating a little bit as I know how much my ds loves to go to his mates houses on the odd occasions he has been invited.
Does anybody else feel as though they are the only one that bothers and wonder if its worth the effort.
I realise alot of people are busy with their daily routine, work, other siblings etc.
I also realise that alot of moms only invite school friends if their dc constantly requests it. Am I wrong to initiate playdates for my ds when he hasn,t asked for one.
Just wondered what you feel about playdates.
Also I would hate to look odd for going out of my way to arrange playdates when alot don,t bother.

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schmoopoo · 03/05/2008 11:06

My DD loves them but she is 5 and very tired after a full day at school so I do them occassionally when it is a short week or in the holidys

dinny · 03/05/2008 11:12

mmmmm, I think people often have so much on after school it is really difficult, and you are right about the constantly-asking thing, I think

I should count yourself lucky you don't have to reciprocate a lot!

Original poster

mindscape · 03/05/2008 11:13

does your dd get many return invites.

OP posts:

mankyscotslass · 03/05/2008 11:15

DS loves them, but he is so tired and wound up afterschool that I tend not to organise them as much as I should. Plus I have a DD and another DS to consider. So playdates are rare in this house!
I find it is better all round if I have a good relationship with the other childs mother. I am reluctant to let my children go somewhere on a playdate if I only have a passing aquaintance with the mother. I'm not all precious about it, just like to be comfortable with who he is with, iyswim?
From watching what goes on at our school I can see that the kids who have more playdates are the ones whose parents have a decent relationship with each other. I struggle a bit with the social side of the school run, I'm shy, so this probably impacts on playdates too.

Twiglett · 03/05/2008 11:15

we have loads of playdates and sometimes I find it hard to cling on to the fact that I have them because I choose to have them rather than for reciprocal arrangements.

This is made slightly more difficult by the fact that we live closest to the school and I'm a SAHM.

There are a couple of people who invite my children back, one person tries to do it frequently.

We have less and less as the children get older to be honest, although they each ask, DD after morning pre-school and DS after school 'Who's coming back to our house?'

Twiglett · 03/05/2008 11:16

i also think some people get flustered by them and have to think them through, whereas I'm more of the 'come back, go play, don't bother me .. let me find something that will stretch to feeding this many kids' type

dinny · 03/05/2008 11:17

no, couple of kids have never bothered so wouldn't ask them again (childish, aren't I)

I'd say not that many people do them now at our school (year 1) - they seem quite occasional

dinny · 03/05/2008 11:19

Mindscape, where are you based? Might be geographical, if it's London, for instance, I'd say that's a big reason they don't happen much

sarah293 · 03/05/2008 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

mindscape · 03/05/2008 11:22

yes dinny I agree poeple do.

I honestly would not mind having to reciprocate a couple of times a week.
I have honestly found that alot of parents simply don,t bother doing playdates making me feel odd doing them.
There is one mate that my ds has had round numerous times and my ds as been invited to his about twice.
His mom actually said to me she hates playdates as she is never in the mood for kids going wild.
At least she is honest I suppose.
My ds has gone up to parents asking them if he can go to their house and he has been fobbed off with another day, not today etc.
The poor thing hardly ever gets an invite.

OP posts:

dinny · 03/05/2008 11:25

oh, I know how hurtful that can be - the ones that haven't invited dd back, I think "wtf is the problem?" but I doubt it is more than lack of time/inclination etc

try to not worry - he will forge his own friendships

how old is he, btw?

FairyMum · 03/05/2008 11:29

I wonder if it makes a different he is an only child. My children tend to play with eachother a lot after school and I feel like I have enough children in the house with my own most of the time. My children play a lot with other children in the street too. I never organise playdates really.

Original poster

mindscape · 03/05/2008 11:32

I do realise that part of the problem could be that I am shy and I do find it difficult arranging them tbh.
I also think that some moms get into a good freindship and then thats seems to be how regular playdates come about.
However I have never really made a good freind out of anyone, its just sort of hello, and a little bit of conversation on the playground and nothing else.
I would love to make a good friend like that.

I do get anxious about my ds being an only maybe if there was siblings I wouldn,t feel the need, and I imagine thats probably how other parents are feeling who have two or more dc's.
Tbh though even the moms with one dc don,t really bother.
I know this may get me some critism but I find that the older moms can be more forthcoming with playdates.

OP posts:

dinny · 03/05/2008 11:34

oh, Mindscape, you sound down about it. are you new to the are? (are you from the States?)

and what year is your ds in and what area are you (ish)?

if it's reception, I'd say it takes a good while to form playground friendships

Original poster

mindscape · 03/05/2008 11:38

Unfortunately my ds never has anybody to play with out of school.
There never seems to be any children out playing in our street.
I also do not live in the vincinity of my ds's school as we moved house 2 years ago but kept him at the school.
However he is moving to a school in our area in september.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that he will make some good mates and that they will be able to call for each other.
Maybe that will take the pressure of worrying about playdates off me.
I am so hoping it will work out that way.

OP posts:

dinny · 03/05/2008 11:40

yes, it'll probbaly be much easier when he moves school

in the meantime, is there a local playground children go to after school? can you go too?

and, does he do any clubs after school? that's a good way to meet children for him and grown-ups for you - I've made a really good friend via dd's theatre group, independently of school

Original poster

mindscape · 03/05/2008 11:40

dinny I do get down about it alot.
I am based in the West Midlands.
My ds is 7 in yr 2. I do feel that he is at an age where he should have some mates out of school.
I really am not sure what to do about it.

OP posts:

dinny · 03/05/2008 11:43

oh, I really feel for you, Mindscape

right - let's think what you can do....

after-school clubs
clubs within school (dd does a football club at lunchtime, for example)

playgrounds

ask children you haven't before?
speak to teacher about it?

islandofsodor · 05/05/2008 21:17

Dd in two years of school has only ever had one friend over to play once. It took a good 6 months before I reciprocated the original invite.The reasons are that

a. I work so sometimes dd has to go to after school club
b. Dh works from home
c I have a younger ds who has to be picked up from nursery and I can't fit an extra child in the car
d Dd has after school activities on on the days I don't work which I have to take her to.

stitch · 05/05/2008 21:20

if you have three kids, and each one does only one afterschool activity, then you only have two afternoon s at home.
if they do two then you nevver have any time at home and are running a tazi service.
there is no time for play dates.

FluffyMummy123 · 05/05/2008 21:20

Message withdrawn

FluffyMummy123 · 05/05/2008 21:21

Message withdrawn

stitch · 05/05/2008 21:21

lilyloo · 05/05/2008 21:24

interesting my ds year 1 has had a couple of play dates and we have always reciprocated.
However dp says we need to initiate , i always mean to but never seem to get round to it. But ds has two siblings and has lot's of friends in our cul de sac so i guess this makes it not so important to me.
We find that the mums who are involved in the extra curricular activities tend to do more play dates, ds get's asked more from football friends.
Does your ds do anything out of school ? I have spent lot's of hours talking to parents this way.

Califrau · 05/05/2008 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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