Possible adhd & deferral

[Babybrain26]

Our 3.5 year old is showing signs of adhd. I discussed it with an educational psychologist who seems to think so too. We have the option of deferring primary school for another year and giving him another year of nursery. Should we? The ed. Psych seemed to think to send him on to primary so that any issues can be identified in his target age group quicker, (and to gain evidence if he needs support) they said unless there was a learning disability not to defer.

I worry though that if we don't defer, it might make it more difficult for him to catch up ( until officially diagnosed/medicated). Has anyone else been in this situation or would have any advice? Preschool currently see no issues but I think he's possibly masking. At home he's constantly making noise, fidgeting/active, very hard to hold his attention/focus, makes careless mistakes, can be impulsive very sensitive/emotional.

The only other thing is he's loves his friends in his class at preschool, has a really close best friend, literally 2 weeks older, he would typically start school with the same group but if we defer him, he won't and I know he would be super aware of this. I'm worried that would upset him/ effect his confidence being separated from his friends. Should I forget about his friendships and defer? The adhd obviously isn't officially diagnosed yet given his age.

No.

If he has ADHD - and there is a reason they don't diagnose it until children get to 7 years - he will still be impulsive and fidgety, whatever year group he is in.

He might do really well in school. You say he has no learning difficulty. You would be doing him a real disservice to request a deferral.

Will deferring close the gap between him and his peers? If you think it will, then apply for it, if you don't think it will, don't.

Sometimes I do think it would, I do feel he is a bit behind in some areas, (can't yet ride a trike for example) he's also very insistent that he can't do things and gives up easily which doesn't help. He only recently became more consistent with his potty training. Emotional regulation is still a bit of a challenge and patience. If we did defer the next oldest could possibly be 8 weeks younger.

With kindness OP, these are all normal behaviours for a 3.5 year old. As mentioned up thread, ADHD shouldn't be diagnosed until later because some of the symptoms are all developmentally normal in younger children. I wouldn't be making big decisions about something that isn't yet diagnosed. Keeping him with his best friend will be he best thing to do, and if he needs additional support at school, there'll be a SENDCO who will be able to advise, but if there are no issues at nursery, that's a good sign that he'll be ready for school. It's a very tough age he's at, it's exhausting for everyone, but it does get better. Have a read of 'The Highly Sensitive Child' - which I found really helpful with mine.

What do you mean by defer? Is he a summer born and he will start reception the September have he turns 5 or are you talking about him missing reception and going straight into year 1? Is he in a private nursery or school nursery?

ADHD isn’t usually diagnosed until 6 or 7 because lots of the signs of ADHD are typical in young children. I’m very surprised a reputable educational psychologist would be suggesting a 3-year-old has ADHD. Have the nursery raised any concerns?

@Jingleberryalltheway He would do 2 years of nursery and then start P1 when hes 5 years and 4 months, otherwise he would be due to start primary school at 4 years 4 months. We don't really have reception here as such (NI). @MolkosTeenageAngst the nursery haven't raised any concerns but I feel like he could be masking with them. His brother is awaiting asd assessment, but there's no family history of adhd, only asd.

@MudandParsnips thanks, I'll have a look for that book, he really is sensitive.

Have you seen your son’s behaviour at nursery and is it wildly different to his behaviour at home? Obviously it is possible he is masking, but it also is possible nursery are seeing the same behaviours as you see at home but aren’t concerned because being noisy, active, fidgeting and being impulsive are all pretty standard 3-years-old behaviours. Do you know a lot of other neurotypical children his age and are you sure that your expectations for how a 3-year-old should behaviour aren’t unrealistic? It’s fairly standard for young children, especially boys, not to follow instructions straight away, to be noisy and restless and active and to have short attention spans.

I think in your shoes it would be sensible to ask to have a meeting with his nursery, raise your concerns about his behaviour at home and find out if they see the same there and if they think his behaviour is typical amongst his peers, they know him and they see how he is in a nursery setting so they will also be in a better position to tell you whether they think he I’ll be ready for school or would benefit from a deferral than a bunch of strangers on Mumsnet!

How has an educational psychologist been involved if nursery have no concerns?

I don’t know the NI system but if it means he starts the first year of school later so he is the oldest in the class rather than the youngest I would and have done this regardless of any potential SEN.

There is a cross over with ASD and ADHD. 50 to 70 of children with an ASD diagnosis will be also be diagnosised with ADHD. It’s less the other way round.

@Goinggold I phoned a private educational psycologist and they did a questionnaire over the phone to get an idea it an asd assessment might be something to pursue, (they said no, but it sounded more like adhd).

@MolkosTeenageAngst unfortunately the preschool have not been very approachable. I mentioned to them he was having constant potty accidents at home and they told me he was just lazy and that i needed to learn to parent him. It turned out they were putting him in time outs for up to 10 minutes and taking toys away until he went to the toilet. Thankfully this strategy seems to have now stopped, and so have his accidents. Needless to say they aren't very understanding, they insist he has no sen.

Obviously it is in the interests of a private Ed psych to push you towards going for a private assessment as they will be able to charge you for it! The things you are referencing are all potential indicators of ADHD, but not in a 3 year old! They are also things your son may outgrow as he gets older, 3 really is still very little and it takes time to learn skills such as impulse control, self-regulation, emotional regulation, executive function even in a neurotypical child.

To be honest the practice of the nursery does sound awful though, I wonder if maybe the reason he is dysregulated and emotional at home is not because he is masking but because his nursery is using outdated and damaging strategies to manage normal pre-schooler behaviour. I would probably look at moving his nursery to somewhere with a more child centred ethos and then see how being in a setting where he feels settled and comfortable and is taught to manage his feelings with empathy and not punishment might support him to develop those regulation skills he hasn’t learnt yet.

london family member with adhd august born son, did start to have concerns early.
he started school at the usual age 4 year 1 month. appeared more immature during play than his cohort.
however by the end of year 2 it was very clear he had adhd, a full assessment was done privately with a resultant spiky profile, he excelled at some aspects of formal education but struggled with others (significantly behind based on age in math and writing).
he is attending a private school with lots of pe. the school offered 1-1 sessions and started an education plan. also recommended he repeat year 2.
he repeated year 2 started medication and is thriving.
early am exercise highly recommended, he does treadmill or stationary bike before school.

I susoected both my dc had adhd and now at 13/10 i think that is correct. I strongly suspected by 4 with both.
But i would say in a room of 100 kids they would both be ones struggling the most
At 3 they woyld
Run off - no road sense
Toddler groups wouldnt sit down and dc p1 at preschool
Rugby tots dc2 used to get up on the stage and run around
Move on very quickly from one activity to next
Dc1 then went on to bite/scratch kids ar school after never doing that at nursery

I would defer.
However being oldest is good for froendships however ive foubd that by y3 having adhd type behaviour is affecting friendships anyway. Drifting away from closer friends.
Likewise the advantage/removal of disadvantage of being older seems to diminish by y2/3.
I think issues like sensory issues often obviuos very young so birth (teeth issues/hair/suntan lotion)
Adhd likewise very young but really not fidgeting. And not really masked at school or nursery. The impulsivity is still there and possibly worse. But some teachers dont observe behaviour in playground so dont notice.
Asd for higher functioning seemed to kick in for mine around 7-9. More sensory issues and social issues. Higher anxiety. However some of that seems to be crazily strict primary teachers.
Ine of mine seems to be able to understand hierarchy at school etc but ignore it at home!