Preference for playing with older children

[NPU8174]

DD is in KS1 and has a few friends in the year but isn’t overly social. Confident in her own company and doesn’t appear unhappy. We are noticing that she prefers to play with older children instead of children her age when given the opportunity. Is this normal in primary school? The age gap is several years so not just one year ahead.

Thought I should also mention that she is summer born so not especially old for her year.

My dd was like this - later confirmed ASD. She gravitated towards boys several years older than herself or much younger children. If she wasn’t into what everyone else was doing she would quite happily do her own thing.

obviously there is more to ASD than this, but it is something that comes up in the assessment, so might be worth a look if you see other nd behaviour? Or she might just be a nt kid who likes the big kid energy.

My DD was the opposite - prefers company of younger children I've often found!! (Also ASD interestingly).

I wouldn't read too much into it x

I’ve got an 8yo DS and he’s always been like this. Right from nursery, when he’d try and escape his room to be in with the older kids. Now he’s often found hanging out with the (slightly) older brothers of pals from his own class on play dates. I always make sure to check that the older kids are okay with this- and surprisingly they always are. He’s quite a mature kid (only child in a single parent family, so think it follows…). He does have friends his own age, but in general will gravitate to older kids and adults if able.

I do worry about this a bit- particularly because when I’ve talked to him about it, he just says he finds the kids his own age “too silly”- and I want HIM to be able to be silly! It’s so important to be able to have fun and feel free to do so- But seems to just be the way he is.

He is dyslexic and I suspect there is some other neurodiversity there (for other reasons, not because of the friends thing) - but what it is, I’m not really sure.

Anyway- to answer your question- it’s not unusual. And as long as the friendships are safe and appropriate, and you’re keeping an eye to make sure that the age gap isn’t opening up possible issues, I think it’s fine.

And for context. DS is Y3. In Y1 he had a couple of pals in Y4 (after school club is great for cross-year friendships) who he shared interests with (he’s v good at art and they would draw comics etc) - and these friendships have endured. And they are genuine friendships… I’m a bit worried about what will happen when they leave for upper school tbh!

As a primary teacher - it’s not unusual. Sometimes it’s because they find the older children more exciting, might enjoy more boisterous play. Sometimes it’s because the older children will make a huge fuss over them & find them cute. Sometimes it’s because they are struggling socially within their own peer group eg always want their own way and the older children will flex in a way their direct peers won’t.

So it can be a sign of potential social issues but it also can not be. The key will be trying to work out what your child is getting from the interactions with older children.

Sometimes it’s because the older children will make a huge fuss over them & find them cute.

The student handbook at our DSs' secondary school actually advised against year group mixing, one of the reasons given being that there was a risk that the younger boy could be regarded as a 'mascot'.
(When DS1 moved to sixth form at a girls' school, the male students were advised to avoid mixing with the younger girls, but that wasn't quite for the same reason... The actual wording of the exhortation caused much and a bit of . Or the other way round, amongst the more easily offended).

At primary school ages, I wouldn't worry about it, with the proviso, to quote @FloatyBoaty , 'as long as the friendships are safe and appropriate'

Thank you all, it’s helpful to have a second opinion.

We don’t have any other concerns per se but she doesn’t have as many social opportunities with other children so we are conscious of how she interacts. I wonder if she prefers them as she is used to being around grownups and likes being around children that are more mature.

When she plays with the older children it’s in a supervised environment and they seem like nice children so no concerns there.

I haven’t noticed any flags for ASD but I don’t have much experience of child development.

It sounds like it’s not a concern in itself so I won’t worry unless something else comes up.

I’m dyspraxic, my own she group were hardest to negotiate at Primary. I knew my place with younger and older kids.

I would worry that it is a red flag that he is struggling socially.

Older children expect less from younger kids- they will make exceptions, won't push back etc..,

I'd make it a priority to organise one on one play dates with his classmates to try and help.d

I did wonder about this. She said that she likes playing with the older kids because they all take turns deciding what to play. Maybe she is finding it hard work to assert herself with classmates?

We have had play dates and she will play with classmates for hours and they seem to both have fun. But I noticed at school that she was playing with older children instead when given the opportunity.

Maybe try a group play date and see how it goes.

You can see how she interacts with the group.

It could be nothing but one of my kids has always needed a bit of support with her friendships - some kids do.

That’s interesting … I certainly haven’t seen the older kids make exceptions for my boy - but what I DO notice is that there is less conflict in general, naturally.

I hadn’t really put two and two together before, but my DS really doesn’t like conflict- even to see other people arguing unsettles him (not sure why, because he’s never seen an argument at home, as I’ve always been a LP and have always maintained a v cordial relationship with his dad)- but i wonder now if this is part of it.