Really anxious about DS starting school

[MistyMorningsAndHotTea]

Bare with, I know this is very first world prob but I’m getting really really anxious about DS staring school. He doesn’t go to nursery because I don’t work and although I know there are obvious social benefits, it’s just not something we decided to do. (Well actually we did nursery for about 6 months age 2 but then I stopped working and so we stopped nursery)
Now we’ve applied for next years school place and I find myself getting irrationally upset about it. They haven’t been in nursery and therefore wont know anyone, I just feel really worried about the whole thing, it actually keeps me up at night. Have I made a huge mistake not doing the nursery thing? I thought I’d be excited about a new phase, hearing all about what he’s doing at school etc but now it’s approaching and I’m really really anxious about it. Will he feel alone? Will the kids like him? Will he get help if he needs toilet or can’t open his bottle ? I know I must sound crazy 😂 I will also be glad to have the peace (well relative peace with his younger brother) I just hate our school system, other countries seems much more relaxed in terms of later starting ages and progressing as a little person rather than just academically and I just don’t know how to prepare him for this, it seems like a huge day. I mean seriously most adults hate 9-5s but a 4 yr old is suppose to leave for 8:30 back at 3:30 have tea bath and bed and do it all again tomorrow. Feels
like a lot. Sorry for rambling, any advice ?

If he’s starting next September why don’t you put him in pre-school now so he can make friends and get used to it? I wouldn’t worry too much about the length of the school day, mine is at nursery 4 days a week for longer than that and he’s fine. Your little one will adapt to school I’m sure but pre-school now will help the process.

There's a very simple answer here in terms of how to prepare him, get him into a pre-school! He'll have at least 2 terms to get use to being away from you, make friends, get use to rules and routines in such a setting (such as carpet times together, etc) and learn to ask for help when he needs it. Then he'll be more than ready for school in September.

Don't let your own feelings about our school system get in the way, you need to do what is right for him and, the fairest thing to do in order to give him the best chance of settling at school is to send him to a pre-school first. You've kept him at home until now, because you can, but it would be silly to spend the next 9 months worrying about how he'll cope, because he's not use to such a setting, when you can actually start him at a pre-school now to make it a smoother transition. It doesn't have to be full time, just a few days will make a huge difference to his chances of settling quicker into school life. Even just a couple of morning or after sessions, would be better than nothing. Nursery isn't just for people who need childcare, there's so much they learn from it. Obviously you wouldn't send a 12 month old unless you needed the childcare, but by 3 it's very normal for children to start going in order to experience those first steps in independence away from you and prepare for starting school.

All your fears are understandable but, rather than let them fester and become a big thing, do something about it now. Time to cut the apron strings. Early Years Practitioners are well use to settling children in and supporting their needs, whilst also teaching and encouraging them to develop independence. He needs this step and I'm sure he'll be absolutely fine. Nursery/Reception is so much fun for them. It's not like you're sending him into some institute where they sit in rows from 9-3. The day will whizz by and I'm sure he'll love the experience.

Wouldn't preschool help him adjust? How do you think children starting with him and in the years previously and the years after him cope?

Why is your child different to them?

I’d also suggest sending him to preschool. My dd has just started reception this September and had been going to nursery before since she was a baby. Nursery prepared her for school by introducing things like carpet time and group learning and phonics, and there was huge benefits such as her learning to play and interact with larger groups of children, learning to use the toilet by herself and basic things like knowing when to ask for help, lining up, meal times with the class. In her reception class the one’s still struggling with going in each morning are the ones who didn’t go to nursery.

I would definitely send him to pre-school. Hopefully then you'll see they're not a scary place - most 3/4 year olds go and cope perfectly well. Of course he might find it difficult to transition at first, as he's only been with you.

If you're considering setting yourself up to homeschool because you don't like the school system, it would be a good idea to get a taste of it now and just see what it's actually like.

I totally agree with everything above, my mam suggested the same, but our local primary doesn’t have a preschool/nursery. Therefore it’s a local private nursery, which is understandably full. My quandary has always been - do I send him elsewhere to get used to the setting, only to then change all over again when starting school? Will this be helpful or a hindrance in the long run? I really appreciate your thoughts !

My dd goes to a nursery attached to the main school but we've actually decided not to send her to that school anyway in September. As the nursery takes 2+ not all the children she's made friends with would be going up and then from speaking to parents many of her friends are looking at different schools anyway. What I'm trying to say is that you can't guarantee that her friends will actually end up in the same class so I wouldn't worry about that.

I think if you can get into any setting whether close to school or not, I would. Just to teach the skills needed and as a bit of separation from you. This will really help your son (and you) to prepare for school.

Children that age are very open to being friends with the people they are with. His classmates will accept him and play with him, they won't really carry their nursery friendships into school.
Do find a playgroup to take him to regularly so he can work through all the sharing and playing nicely skills, but he will be fine.
He will find it easier if you can get your emotions under control too.

Absolutely send him somewhere. The benefits of him getting use to the structure/routine, mixing with other children and being away from you will really help him settle into any school, even if he does end up being the only one going from that setting.

Children of that age generally make friends wherever they go. They're a bit too young for the 'best friend' thing, and even those who are drawn to one child in particular generally move on quickly.

My school doesn't have an attached nursery. We take children from at least 6 different settings each year, often more with some children some years being the only one from a particular setting. It's not a problem when it comes to friendships. They adapt and bond quickly. On the other hand, I can always tell the children with no pre-school experience at all as they are usually the ones who take by far the longest to settle. It's such a massive change for them.

He definitely needs pre-school experience of some sort. If your primary of choice doesn't have an attached nursery, chances are there will be other children from whichever pre-school you get him into who end up going to his school anyway. They're not all going to come from the same private nursery. Private nurseries, by nature, don't just accommodate really local children. Some people will use it because it's their local nursery, but many will choose a nursery which is close to their work, or half way on their commute, and their child will end up going to a school which is closer to their home anyway. It would be unusual for a private nursery to have a cohort who all pretty much end up at the same school. They'll all be heading off to different settings. For example, we have 3 local pre-schools where most of our children end up coming from, but we take the odd child from each private nursery in the area too each year. I don't think we've ever had more than 3 from the same local private nursery before, even the closest one. The larger groups of 8+ we get are from the pre'schools, so he could end up meeting children who will be in his class anyway.

Don't worry there will be others. Toileting shouldn't be an issue - you're at home with him? So can put lots of 1-2-1 time in between now and then, much more than nursery kids get. Work on building his independence in dressing, opening bottles and the like.

I would do preschool elsewhere too. My mum didn’t send em to nursery or preschool and I found the swap from being with her all day every day to compulsory school very traumatic and still remember it now. I’ve has my dc in nursery 4 days a week since 1 to no ill effect. You still have lots of time to sort out a preschool and get him used to it so that the school transition shouldn’t be too bad. Most schools are lovely, try not to worry - it’s easy to only hear the bad.

A pre-school year in the primary school is a great transition, but I wouldn't bother with a private nursery for a year. Just make sure you do as many play groups and activities as you can throughout the week - if you stay fairly local then you're bound to bump into some kids he'll end up with next year. Maybe put out a message on fb asking if there's anyone in a similar position who would like to meet up.

If he's always been home with you, he's probably a very confident, happy little boy. Do you have any reason to believe he will have specific difficulties that other children his age won't have? They'll all be new to the school, and they'll have come from a variety of different nurseries/childminders/none!

My dd who is a summer born started in September.

She had never been to nursery. I wanted to defer her for a year but she seemed "ready" so deferring would have been purely for my own reasons.

She has got on so well. The teacher and teaching assistant have been wonderful with her (she had some accidents in the first week I offered to go in and change her etc as I am around but they didn't want me to).

She now has a very close friend already and at the parents evening the trencher said she was pleased with her progress of being independent as she found children who hadn't been to nursery can sometimes struggle with this.

My older child is home educated for other reasons so I was so nervous about sending my dd but she is doing so well and absolutely loves it.

I would send your child and see how they get on. You can always assess it once they have started.

Also we have an app which the school upload to regularly (don't know how they have time for this!) which is great as I can see what she has been doing and discuss it with her.

I do miss her terribly when she is at school though!

I teach and have small children myself and honestly most children in Reception are just so happy. They do such lovely activities day in, day out. They build a lovely community with their class. It is far more exciting than being at home. I say that as someone with a shy, summer born and who thinks later primary school is far too much, too soon. In general though, Reception is done really really well.

You need to prepare your child to be independent - doing his coat, going to the loo, tidying up after himself - but I've never experienced children treated with anything other than kindness if they need help. My child had a few toilet accidents even in Y1 and it was no big deal. I've even dealt with the occasional accident in Y3.

Yes I would still send him somewhere. My dd didn’t go to the school preschool but it was still so beneficial for preparing her.honestly I’d have been so worried about her starting school if she hadn’t been to nursery before.

You need to start your son in preschool. It's the best way to help him when he starts school. We moved whilst my son was at preschool, I kept him at the same one, rather than move him. When he started school he didn't know anyone, but he adapted. You need to focus on getting him ready for sitting on the carpet, having structure in his day and more importantly leaving you. At the moment he's not used to that aspect, and if he doesn't start going to preschool and experiencing it, he will struggle if it's just left to when he starts school. He can't go from being with you all the time, to suddenly having to leave you from 8.30am-3pm, that will be a massive shock to him. You need to prepare him now!!!

About friends... we moved (hundreds of miles!) Just before both of our DDs started Reception. Within a couple of weeks, it didn't matter to the children. DD1 had selective mutism and didn't speak... the children didn't care. It seemed to matter more to parents than the children.

The important thing is some sort of situation where they are in group of other 3-4yos without parents (or minimal parental input) so they can get used to that... doesn't have to be nursery, can be something like a forest school session, or a sports club, or a dance class. Just something.

Neither of my DC went to the nursery attached to their school. It honestly didn't matter. And in DS1 case he didn't know any of the other kids in reception class at the beginning but friendships are made and changed very fast at that age so it wasn't an issue.

Agree with pp get DC into some sort of childcare setting if you can.

I have a different view from most of the other posters. If you feel uncomfortable with the idea of your little one being away from his family for many hours a day with one or two busy adults who are juggling the needs of a lot of young children, that isn't necessarily a sign that you are an overly anxious mum.

Maybe it indicates that you are in tune with your child, and that you know what he needs, and full-time school at four isn't it. We parents are told to trust our instincts about our children... right up until they reach the usual nursery or school starting age. Why is that? Do our instincts suddenly malfunction after three or four years?

There's a clash between what you're feeling is best for your child, and what's usual in our society. That doesn't make you wrong.

You do have other options. Your child can go to school part-time until he reaches "Compulsory School Age" in the term after his fifth birthday. This is an absolute right and the school cannot say no. After that age, part-time attendance can only continue with the headteacher's agreement.

Or you can delay his start altogether until you think he is ready. By law, he does have to receive an education from the time he reaches CSA, but that doesn't have to happen at school. You could home educate him for a year or two or three, and then send him to school at a time which feels right to you.

People imagine that a child who starts school later would be on the back foot, several years behind their peers. Some posters on this thread are telling you that you're already leaving it too late if you wait until next year, that you need to prepare your child by sending him into a group setting now. But there is a world of difference between a competent confident older child and a younger one. Big kids already know how to open their bottle, use the toilet independently, ask for help when they need it, make friends, and wait patiently. School is a better fit for them when they are older.

If a four year old really does need advance preparation for Reception - which itself is meant to be a gentle introduction to the school environment - then maybe Reception isn't a very good match to the needs of four year olds after all. Instead of starting even younger, what about later?