Having wobble about primary school choice

[Scotcheggsontoast]

My son has just started reception, we chose a private all through school 2 miles away, over the outstanding rated (although Ofsted was 10 years ago) nearby walking distance school.
The school run isn't easy, but doable (usually like a 10min drive then a 10min walk). He seems to like it there and I think he teacher is great, facilities and amount of sport brilliant (PE twice a week rather than once, swimming, forest school, lots of clubs etc).

I'm having a major wobble this week though, seeing all the other kids from the local school we turned down getting to know each other, and the parents too (I know quite a few of them). Seems like most kids from his school are in the surrounding areas so not directly nearby.

He doesn't seem massively bothered about friends at the mo and does have social issues showing (preschool and reception have picked up on) hitting/snatching etc. I think he may be somewhere on the spectrum potentially. So for those reasons I think the smaller class sizes and attention may be good for him as it turns out (wasn't really a factor when we were choosing as these things hadn't become apparent).

But being a single parent with an only child I'm really starting to wonder if I've made a bad decision, not feeling as part of the community and bumping into school friends at the park etc. He constantly wants my attention and I often feel quite lonely and isolated (despite having quite a few friends nearby).

This sounds dramatic but I feel like maybe I've committed social suicide by making this choice, at the mo it feels like a slow mo car crash, seeing everyone locally getting to know each other and us being on the edge of it.
Secondary school feels like a long way away, but the benefit of his school if he stays all through is that he would move up with most of the junior school,so good friends wise hopefully. No one from my primary school went to my secondary school and trying to avoid that situation for him!

I think there’s a lot of social pressures at the beginning of primary but it settles down. Was all a bit forced for us with whole class parties and meet ups but things have settled down in year 2 - people have their small groups of closer friends/parents and are civil to everyone else. I think you will achieve this too, don’t move him if he’s happy. Keep trying with parents and kids at his school and you will form that bond and achieve what people at the local school have in a few years.

As he gets older, look at activities like Beavers.
The children at my Cub pack generally go to 4 schools in a 5 mile radius, but have become extremely friendly there.

Don’t worry yet op. My son was so shy (walked around a tree every break rather than join in with others according to my older child - cried that he had no friends)

suddenly one day grew more confident and now has kids of nice friends. So it might be just the fact he is so young.

I went to a private school and it was definitely more complicated to do things with friends. A lot of getting lifts and making arrangements but his social life isn't why you sent him.

I agree that when he's older he can join activities where you live. I actually found it quite awkward sort of having to explain why I didn't go to the same school as everyone else though.

I think that wherever you go the first half of reception is quiet because they are so exhausted. You probably aren't missing out on anything at all and he's happy at his school.

Thank you everyone for your kind replies. I was catastrophising and feeling like had doomed us to a life of isolation. I think it doesn't help that we are right at the end of a two week half term, and have had to miss the last two class parties etc.

I lived opposite my primary school so this is new territory.

At the mo it's for me mostly that I'm feeling it I don't think he's too bothered! And seems silly to choose a school based on me making friends. But as things go on I'm also worried about him not forming close friendships.

@Grooble yes I've just started him with football locally, and will try other clubs too :-) I already find it REALLY awkward when people ask which school he goes to. :-( and big part of me would love to say one of the local ones.

Anyone who has chosen private primary, does that feeling ever go away or do you always feel a bit of an outsider when people locally ask which school they go to?

I remember that feeling too @Grooble, in fact me & my sibling were talking about it the other day!

@Scotcheggsontoast No. Because I didn’t care what others thought. My DD2 went to a single sex prep and school covered everything. Other friends who have dc at private schools did nothing out of school at all. My DD really liked school and saw her school friends very regularly.m so we were in a school community. You just have to make an effort and be proactive. Do be around for parties! If you have imposter syndrome you are probably in the wrong place. Plus you need to look at SEN provision. You might need it.

Revisit the reasons you made your decision, make a habit of owning it unapologetically when people ask (it's a fact, they're just interested to know, to some it will make you more interesting, to some less, and everyone else in the middle will just take you as they find you). Feel lucky you had two excellent schools to choose from and you chose what is right for you. If it doesn't work out, you can always reevaluate. The things you worry about are rarely the things that actually go wrong!

Yes this is a big appeal, as a single parent it feels a weight off my mind that he'll be doing lots in school and less for me to plug the gaps.

Annoyingly we had two close friends birthdays on the same days at exact same time, after endless weekends of no plans.

I do have a bit of imposter syndrome, partly because it's his grandparents paying the fees not me. So feel more at home talking to the local parents at the mo. Need to try and get over that for his sake though!

@Scotcheggsontoast Our DDs went to boarding schools. The PP above is right. You have to own your choice. You have valid reasons for making it, as we did. As he goes through the school he will have friends and you will be more relaxed. Everyone will come across as refined and born to be at the school but there will be first time buyers like you. You will be fine. Just chat to someone who is friendly. Lots of grandparents pay so don’t beat yourself up over that either.

I rarely explained why we chose our school. It was for us to know and them to wonder.

Thanks @TizerorFizz .

Also 60% of the reception kids went to nursery at the school and most I speak to seem to have older siblings either at the school or other private schools. We feel like proper newbies!!

The school feels like such an institution especially with the senior school too and it's been a bit of a shock trying to get used to everything especially when everyone else seems to know what they're doing.

I do like the vibe of the place though it's not stuffy or too strict etc things I worried about with private school. So lots of positives.

I think state schools can be more strict these days! Plus dc doesn’t have to stay for secondary if it’s not the right choice eventually. Just see how it goes and show up to parent events as much as you can. If they have a class rep who organises a coffee meet up, try and go. We took the view that our money was as good as anyone else’s! So is your family’s.

As others have said there are other ways to be part of the local community. My DC went to beavers, swimming club , football, gymnastics and athletics. At each club there was a mixture of state and private schools children. I have always enjoyed volunteering to help at the clubs, good way to meet other parents.

I think at a good prep, they do all of that at school. I used to pick up DD after clubs at school. Some days she did a dancing class locally but they have quite a busy school life