Not settling in Reception

[Maria1234567]

Dear Mumsneters.

I need an advice and a hug i guess. My little daughter (May born) started reception class this Autumn. It's been like a rollercoaster since then, she seems to be happy some days and other days it seems like she is not settling at all. She doesn't like morning assembly and still cries at school pretty much every day and sometimes on a gate, but sometimes teacher says that she has been absolutely fine. She always has been very sensitive, when she started nursery she didn't settle there and we changed it to different one where she was so happy for 2 years and gained beautiful friendships. Unfortunately all her friends went to different school, we didn't choose that school because we much more prefer her current school in every way. But i wonder how long it takes to settle at school and when should i start to be really concerned. I worry that most of the children in her class have already know each other from nursery and she being sensitive, shy, can feel a bit left out..I started to have thoughts of taking her out of this school and send her to the one where her friends are....But also what happens if they will move somewhere some day.. Anyway, if there is someone here with similar experience can advice something, i would really appreciate.

Also she is very bright girl, but i worry because she is not settling it can affect her learning process, as they put her in the group with children who needs extra help i guess. But she is very smart and i want her to blossom in the school, so she just needs to be happy there..

I think the first year of schooling can be an incredibly difficult transition, so I would expect ups and downs throughout the year. iI’s definitely a step up from nursery, just in terms of more kids, overstimulation and the duration.

My son also started this year (he is 4 years old) but we are in Australia. He goes to a private school and only does two days a week. He is absolutely knackered by day two, as he usually still naps at home, but can’t at school. He seemed to adjust fairly well, but he still occasionally says he doesn’t want to go. I know he has two little close friends there, but it doesn’t matter as he says he just misses mum and dad. My son is also quite insensitive and a little shy. I would ask the teacher how she thinks your little girl is going? Who she hangs out with? And identify ways you can support her? It’s a big change in their young lives.

It could be so many things. I work with a child who cries every day but then is fine during the day. She is just past 4. She is extremely sensitive too! On the other hand, my son really struggled with Reception. He was fine going in but was very unhappy and used to cry for ages after school. He has a lot of autistic traits and struggles socially and with changes. With hindsight I now know he just struggled massively with school, which continued until age 18. He was fine in nursery as he could do very much do his own thing but in school he found it hard and was bullied.

You did not tell us why you like the school she is at. I think it may be worth changing school. If you chose this school because it's 'academically' better or just a good ofsted rating, these can be quite meaningless. I think happy children are worth so much more. Perhaps the teachers at this school are stricter, perhaps the other school is more nurturing, more fun. I think if she was OK at preschool/ nursery, or may be worth thinking about why.

DS was the same, thankfully his teacher and the support staff were incredible and were forthcoming with lots of ideas of how to help him and valued my input which was appreciated. Have the school suggested anything? They'll be used to this, and as heartbreaking as it is as a parent most children do settle soon enough. It is a huge change and a lot to adapt to.

I would definitely switch off thoughts of moving school as there are no guarantees she'll naturally slot back in with her old nursery friends. They may have made new friends by now and she could still feel left out/on the outside. Plus, like you say, they could move away one day. Learning to make friends is a life skill. It's important for young children to understand that anyone can be their friend, rather than always longing to reconnect with old ones as if they're their only friends in the world.

It does take some children longer than others to settle but she will get there, the more she gets use to it. Some children will cry out of habit at separation and it isn't a definite sign they are unhappy. Trust the teacher that she's definitely able to be happy in school some days, despite some unsettled days still. They are so tired during the first term, which can cause emotions to spill over more often.

Ask her teacher who she plays with in school. You could try to arrange some play dates to help cement those friendships further. Talk positively about those children at home, "it's school tomorrow, that means you get to see Lily!" and at home time , "what did you play with Sophie today?" etc. Keep those friendships fresh in her mind. Whenever you talk about school, bring the names of her friends into it to remind her of the positives.

I wouldn't be concerned about it affecting her learning at this early stage. How do you know she has been grouped with children who need extra help? Have the school told you this? It's unusual for Reception children to be grouped at such an early stage for their learning, as teachers are still establishing their abilities and different children click at different times with things like phonics etc. Do they definitely mean she's in a support group for learning, or maybe it's more for emotional needs given her struggle to settle? Maybe she's supported by TAs for transitional parts of the day, which she's currently finding overwhelming (such as assembly, which you mentioned is a struggle).

This half term is usually the one where everything settles down into more of a routine. It's not all so new and daunting any more. I really hope you see some improvement soon, as she gets more use to it.

My son cried when I dropped him off at school until half way through year 2 😬

Then lockdown happened.

When he went back to year 3 he was much better, but we did still have some issues (he became very obsessed with death/dying during COVID, despite us having a fairly pleasant lockdown experience, limiting news and not knowing anyone who became very ill or died).

He's much happier now in year 7!

Some children just find it more difficult I think.

Happiness of our daughter is always priority, and the reason why we chose this school that they have this family approach, warm atmosphere despite of the fact it's big classes. Nursery manager used to work there and her opinion was really important to me (because she knew my daughter and seen her settling in nursery step by step which was a long journey), and she was saying good things about this school. I know what you mean, because i still can't see what's happening inside, and maybe it's just the size of the school and loads of kids she doesn't know and in her class it's a lot of kids who is already 5. Massive difference at this age.

I am going to talk to them about it today

Thank you so much for your advice, in terms of groups, on parental evening they told us that they put her in a small group for learning phonics as she needed to catch up on it (i forgot to mention that it was intense time as we moved houses, so i skipped her home task for a week or so due to packing and i didn't realise that it needed to be done certain way) But she now caught it i hope. So i am not 100% sure about this group, i thought it's because it's a big class and they divide them during learning. Should i ask them to explain me more about this group?

If you've moved house since she started that will be a massive reason for her being so unsettled. Starting school and moving house can both be very unsettling experiences for young children, so both together will be a double whammy for her emotions. She needs time to adjust.

I really wouldn't worry about the intervention group. Interventions by nature should be short lived. Nearly every child will receive an intervention in some area of the curriculum throughout their schooling. For the most, parents won't even know as it's simply a case of a few extra sessions to boost them. If interventions are successful (which most are) there's no need to alarm parents. They're a normal part of teaching.

From what they've explained to you she isn't in a 'low group', as you fear. She's just had a few extra small group sessions to give her a boost.

Thank you for explaining. Yeah, the way they said about this group wasn't really clear (like for children who ''struggle'' or need to catch up etc something like that). Should i ask to double check that it's not like 'low group'? I find the whole thing overwhelming because i am from different country where children don't start school till they are 6 or 7

Should I ask to double check that it's not like 'low group'?

Low group? What do you mean?

No I really wouldn't worry about pressing further. Interventions are short term support. Just check in on your next parents evening how it's going when she's more settled but there's every chance she won't be needing an intervention by then. If she is, she is. Please try not to stigmatise the idea of a 'low' group. Schools are there to support everyone. Being 'low' in an area now doesn't mean she'll be low in that subject forever. That's the aim of the intervention. To help support her while she needs it.

You say you're from a different country. Is she EAL (English as an additional language) by any chance? If English isn't her first language, that could be another explanation for her current struggles. Are there many children at the school who speak different languages? It can feel very isolating at first if they're one of the only ones but most children do adapt quickly. Play is a universal language, do I'm sure she'll start making new friends soon.

Thank you so much you are kind soul. In terms of English, it's her native language. My husband is English and it's our home language. It's me who struggles with the fact i am foreign and what's obvious for some parents is not that obvious for me 😂😅 I try to understand myself how to do home tasks like phonics etc correct way 😂

For phonics support for yourself- on YouTube there are lots of videos to support the pronunciation of each letter sound.
Most reception classes I think would be on phase 2 phonics. Try searching for 'Phase 2 Phonics Pure Sounds' for examples of how to say each sound correctly. Try also, 'Phase 2 CVC Word Blending' to support reading skills and 'phase 2 tricky words' for words which can't be read using phonic knowledge.
💐

Many kids get upset because they don't know the other children. Set up play dates with different kids in the park or group meet ups outside of school, so she can meet the other kids and make friends. We did this prior to school and many parents came and were keen to meet up. It made for a very easy start to school, with friends being made fast.

How was the meeting with school? There are many things which can help transition from leaving parent. I assume you did many of these with nursery. Maybe the school can call nursery and ask what helped. This could be bringing a comfort toy, or always reading a book in a quiet corner when she comes in. Whatever worked at nursery will be familiar for her.

I agree with a PP that if you moved house, that is a major life event which would have unsettled her at the same time as starting school. Also if you're anxious because you feel she's young and you're not 100% comfortable with the English system, then she will pick up on that too. As a first (and only?) child, it can be more challenging for the child because they feel the parent's emotions too. I notice some of our kids transition better when different people drop them off eg. Grandma, child minder etc.

Don't worry about the 'low' group either. She will pick that up also and may even have noticed it herself. My son was very sensitive to that even in Reception and I think my husband didn't help (he's not English, very much a top group culture). He was trying to ask questions about who else was in my son's group, what group is Alfie in, what are they learning etc. to figure out the grouping for phonics. My husband communicated his anxiety and possibly even disappointment without saying those words and I think my son as very sensitive also understood he was not in a 'clever' group. This may have been much better if there wasn't such a focus at home on what group he was in.

Hi, sorry for such a slow response. Basically that meeting went brilliant and the teacher reassured me that she is getting on well, playing with other kids and she caught up with the phonics, i basically didn't talk about which group she is in in front of daughter (so don't think it was a case of seeing our worries) and we don't worry about it now because she seems to be doing well now, in a reading booklet we receiving a good comments from teacher. Basically, teacher said that she had a thing about assembly (she was upset about assembly one time and didn't want to sit there with her buddy, which was a boy, so they have changed her buddy to a girl and since then she seems happier). Overall since my last post here things have improved, probably school found approach to her better now. Hopefully she will stay happy :) I also find it helpful that couple girls from her class go to gymnastics on Mondays, so it's a bit more bonding. Thank you very much for your advises.

I'm so glad it's all going well!

I think you are through the wobble. Sounds positive and she should enjoy Christmas.