First few weeks in reception class

[Roseman]

Hi all, I'm really struggling and finding parenting life hard at the moment. DS is 4 +7months and has had 3 weeks of school (Reception), he's a classic boy and loves to run around, play, climb, be loud etc but he is also very affectionate, fantastic at communicating and has always been kind and helpful. Since starting school it's as if they've sent home a different child. He cannot seem to concentrate or listen. He's angry and lashes out all the time, arguing with me and DH about ridiculous things and saying things he doesn't even understand. He's made a little friend who we had a playdate with today and the 2 of them spent the entire time fighting and bickering, whereas during and after school they're the best of friends?
School have a behaviour system where they start on a sunshine, if you do something that you shouldn't you sit on the thinking cloud, if you don't learn from your reflection time and repeat the same thing then you go further down to the storm cloud where you miss 5 minutes of break playtime. If you are exceptionally behaved then you go to the rainbow. This system on week 1 gave him awful anxiety as he's petrified of going on the storm cloud, I spoke to his teacher about it as he wasn't sleeping over the fear but was told it is what they do and kids have to learn to obey their teachers.
I appreciate that starting school is a huge change and very stimulating as well as lack of freedom so we've tried having 1:1 physical play i.e running and bike rides after school to burn off any pent up energy, we've tried just chilling out at home together but neither seem to bring him back down to a place of calm. I don't even ask him about school as if I do he just switches off and clearly doesn't want to think or talk about it.
By Thursday/Friday he's not coping at all and is getting in trouble at school for not sitting still or not being quiet then the entire weekend he is a tornado full of madness, anger, tears etc.
He was never like this with nursery and I don't know what to do, any advice would be greatly appreciated please.
Oh and he's also learning some real charming phrases from school, poor DH was told recently he was going to get punched in the face because he told DS he couldn't run in the road.

First of all, as a Reception teacher I can reassure you that this change in behaviour is sadly very normal but thankfully, usually, short lived. They are so exhausted, getting use to new rules and routines. Unfortunately for you, parents usually get the worst of them when they return home in the evenings. For most though, this demon phase really doesn't last much longer than October half term, once they settle in and get use to it. I really hope you notice a change for the better in his behaviour at home before long!

The sun/cloud system your son's school are using though is woefully outdated and has been frowned upon for the last 8 years at least, to my knowledge. Behaviour does not need to be documented in such a public way. Far from working to improve behaviour, it usually has the opposite effect with the same children constantly on the black cloud, seemingly not learning from the experience, while their misdemeanors are publically documented to the rest of the class. This type of 'shaming' is really something schools should be moving away from. They definitely need to learn some new behaviour strategies as the anxiety your son is experiencing is not unique to him. There's a lot of research out there on behaviour charts and all conclude the same:- they don't work and do nothing but cause anxiety in young children. We follow 1,2,3 Magic at my school, which is much more discreet between child and teacher. It put children in control of their own behaviour. I would consider taking this further, to the headteacher, as it's likely a whole school approach which needs changing. Go armed with online research to show them how serious you are about how inappropriate a behaviour chart is in 2024. I'm actually shocked a school are still using this to be honest as there is so much high-profile research out there.

As for your son being exposed to inappropriate language and phrases, this is sadly one of the downsides to them starting school and mixing with others out of your control. There's sadly little parents and teachers can do to stop children being exposed to bad language by their peers. All you can do is ensure he knows that it's wrong. Don't draw too much attention to it by getting cross, as he's likely just looking for a big reaction. Just a firm "no thank you, we do not use that kind of language in our home as it's not kind". School will do much the same if they hear it - "we do not use those words in school, it's not kind/polite etc". Hopefully your son will soon get the message that his outbursts aren't achieving the outraged reaction that he hoped, and it's just not worth saying such things to you 🤞🏻

Reception is just.... exhausting. One of the older little girls in my dd's class literally fell asleep in class a couple of times during YR. Have consistent bedtimes, dial the expectation right down, keep playdates to half an hour at the park after school or weekends only. It gets better as they mature into it but what you're describing is really normal so just go with the flow and don't make too much of a big deal of it. Y1 is harder academically but my dd was much less tired by then.

I'm afraid in most schools your child will be exposed to undesirable behaviour and language. All you can do is reitterate what is and isn't acceptable. They will face all characters at school and irl and have to learn how to manage it.

He's tired.

It's a huge change and utterly exhausting for most DC, even if they've been in full time nursery/preschool.

I'd not arrange any more playdates until he's more accustomed to it all (ditto any after school clubs)

And just be as calm and soothing as you can be in the evenings.

This will pass

Hes not compulsory school age until presumably april.
So if he needs time off you could do that. Though it may not help long term as hes them not building stamina
Like a pp says quiet weekends.

Do you pick him up armed with a snack? DS1 came out utterly knackered and itching for a fight after really struggling to behave all day. An immediate snack often fended off the worst. It did take a while for him to settle, I was really surprised because he loved the nursery and the reception classroom was literally across the hall. We walked home, and I think that gave a bit of decompression time too.

The teacher doesn't sound great to be honest. The reception teacher DS1 had was certainly firm about behaviour, but also worked with us on the best way forward. For instance, when he got told off lots of times for squeezing himself into places that he wasn't supposed to go I went into the classroom with him and explained all the dangerous consequences that the teacher could see that his actions might lead to (such as the toy kitchen being knocked over), then I explained to the teacher that the reason he was doing it was he liked small spaces when he was overwhelmed and so she made sure there was a little play tent set up in the shared area.

This was such a lovely post. Best of MN there.

@BoleynMemories13 well put 👍

Thank you all so much for your responses! I'm glad to hear it's common and will (hopefully) pass.
I will start with the greeting from school with a snack and head for an earlier bedtime, he was at nursery doing a 7pm bedtime but I will try and get him down for 6/6.30pm and see if that helps him while he is adjusting to new routines.

Thanks again 🙂