Mummy “they tell you to tell a teacher when you are being bullied but they have done nothing”

[Brightsideisbetter]

Hi
Our 8 year old son has had a toxic friendship which we realised was bullying (bribes, puts downs, even physical hitting etc).

This was going on for a year I only realised the extent in the summer term and started speaking to school. School have separated the kids into new classes for next year however my son has big worries as most incidents take place during playtime.

He is also very angry that the child does not appear to have been told off by the school. I did ask the school if they were speaking to said child or parent and got fogged off. Head teacher was leaving and paid me lip service it felt.

we went to a holiday club he normally loves and my son refused to go in when he saw said child there. he went small and really in to himself. It’s like now he has figured out this boy was bullying him he is super angry. I have tried to get him to work through these feelings but it’s very hard as he says “they say when you are bullied you should tell a teacher but I told a teacher and nothing has been done”

It’s so bad I am contemplating moving him to another school locally that has places. For wider context my son has autism so change will be super hard for him.

What would you do? I am so scared I will move schools and he will struggle to make other friends. It’s such a big move (local school has a place and seems great we looked round in July)

Or have you moved your child out of a bullying situation and was is successful?

big thanks for any feed in very confused and worried mum here.

I’d go back to the school and tell them that the bullying is continuing and that you want it dealt with - no if’s or but’s. Ask for a copy of their bullying policy and tell them that they need to evidence how they are followed it in order to keep your son safe. If they don’t/won’t deal with it then make a formal complaint to the local authority (or whoever it is in your part of the UK).

What does your son think - does he want to move schools? I really feel for him, being on the receiving end of bullying is awful.

Never been in this situation and DD only due to start reception this year so don't have the experience. I would however look in to any way there is to file a formal complaint? Send email so everything is documented as opposed to just conversations where you're formally asking for them to look in to this situation. Outline situations that happened, impact on your child. Then ask for this to be investigated. If nothing happens after this then you can escalate further to whatever governing body is looking after that school. I wouldn't move your child, they haven't done anything wrong - the other kid should be penalised for it.

Thanks
I totally agree with your points and am frustrated with myself I was not more assertive in the summer term. I did not invest the time to research into our rights due to simply not having the time, over summer I have had the time and came to exactly the same conclusion as you advice above.
also good point re my son’s opinions he was dead set on not moving schools but has now come round to the idea. I feel being out of school for so long has helped him disengage so it’s likely if we return and THEN decide to move schools it will be way harder to get him on board.

I am pragmatic- I guess schools can’t be expected to police the playing field with 300 kids so there is always going to be incidents but for me it’s this on top of what has already been….

Firstly Im sorry your son is feeling that way. All children deserve to feel safe at school and he clearly doesn’t.
However it is unlikely that the school will divulge details about consequences to you or him. Please don’t feel like them saying ‘it’s been dealt with’ is fobbing you off. They just can’t go into specifics.
We had a case back in the school I worked in that to the children it seemed like the bully ‘got away with it’ whereas in reality a huge amount was being done by the pastoral and safeguarding team to get to the bottom of why that child was behaving that way and supporting him to manage his emotions appropriately. Now he’s settled, happy and has friends rather than alienating others.
I’d suggest rather than going in and asking ‘what has been done?’ maybe try the approach of ‘what will you do to keep my son safe in the future?’. That way you can hold them accountable for it if they go back on their word or if they genuinely are being rubbish and letting the other child get away with it.

From your description @Brightsideisbetter its not actually clear that the bullying is continuing, more that your sons fear of the bullying is continuing.

You could help him understand that when school need to speak to bully’s they do it privately and neither he nor you would know about this.

I wouldn’t say moving school is needed at this stage, maybe unhelpful even.
You can monitor closely, but this is difficult without being a helicopter parent and basically inadvertently encouraging your child to be hyper vigilant.
You can find ways to boost your sons confidence, improve resilience, identify good things that are happening at school, support new friendships, support him joining new school clubs.

Most probably it will have blown over by the time they go back (from the other child’s pov).

Thanks that’s an helpful perspective re “what is being done” and makes total sense. I am concious a child bullying is probably a call for help and did say to the school I was raising it for my son but also I hope the other child can get support needed. I know several other parents have raised issues over the years re the same child do help is probably needed.

How will you keep my child safe is a good perspective. Since we raised it the school have said they will keep them apart but it has not been the case. My son was hit in face by the child but did not report it due to feeling there was no point. This is the very for me….

*worry not very!

I'm sorry to hear your son has been through this. By separating them next year, school have definitely taken some major action already. I appreciate your son's concerns about further incidents happening on the playground, but school can't further punish the other child for things that might happen. You won't necessarily know what has happened in terms of consequences for this other boy in the past, as it's not for you to know. That's between school and his parents.

You can definitely mention your son's fears so a close eye can be kept on them at lunchtimes and playtimes, but hopefully the separate classes will help both children to form new friendships so they don't gravitate together at playtimes.

If the school is under new leadership I think it would be very rash to move him now for fear of something which may not even happen. If further incidents do sadly happen, I would at least give the new headteacher a chance to see how they deal with it. I really hope that's the end of it though.

Parent of autistic son here. We have real issues with continuing anxiety over things that have happened, maybe only once, and have been dealt with by staff. We equally have real issues with being around things like stinging nettles, having been stung by those. I often find it very difficult to determine if there is an ongoing issue or not, and have to be very precise in my questioning to work out what has happened when and how often.

Also be aware that what your son is interpreting as meanness may not actually be that. Even hitting could, for example, be a game that has gotten a little out of hand, that he has interpreted as someone trying to hurt him in a mean way. My son gets this wrong all the time. He can be having a whale of a time, then he might, for argument’s sake, slip whilst trying to avoid running into someone, fall and then it’s like the world has ended as someone has intentionally tried to make him fall and hurt himself. He too would clam up if he saw someone that he feels has been mean and refuse to go near them. My son will also misinterpret what people say and take things the wrong way. He also says he is being bullied and I am quite confident he is not being. He also has issues with it appearing like staff have not dealt with the situation/punished the other person.

Even if this is what is going on, which it may well not be, as actual bullying of autistic kids is also common, this does not mean he or you should just accept the situation. He feels unsafe, and he shouldn’t feel unsafe at school. He therefore needs more support with social situations, which is maybe what you need to be focusing your efforts on obtaining: both additional supervision for him in the playground and also help with the theory of social interactions in general and maybe what has just happened at the previous break time. You, as a parent, will find it next to impossible to provide this as you are not there and are hearing about everything through his eyes. Only adults that are there can really see what is going on.

Thanks that’s is really insightful. It’s very hard to unpick, I am pretty sure the child has done a lot of the things he is accused of because I have seen evidence (e.g taking money into school because he was told he needed to pay him for being nice to him) and heard other actions said child has done to other kids. However I am also very conscious of his autism means he can get “get stuck in a moment”. So hard to navigate. I feel a bit broken by it all. He also struggles at school in general (dyslexia so finds English hard) and we have had school refusal. I am just so keen to try and make school as attractive as possible.